nice story but i dont like the she didnt tell mattie about it since its seth weakness even if she will not believe at least she will provide evidence

I was attacked by my cousin when I was 14. He was 19. He was sick and obsessed and I never lost sight of that or gave up fighting against him. Seth reminds me a lot of my own cousin. But to this day, 12 years later I am prepared for a fight if he ever shows his face again. He referred to the day of my attack as "our anniversary" and leading up to it he beat me just to put me in line. Having been through beatings and trauma at that age, I still don't understand why Camila just seemed to give up the fight so soon as if she had no ambition to thrive. I remember the shame and trying to hide it from my family, but I never ever just said, "ok, you can rape me." Even when my body physically lost, he never had my mind.

hey, I have a question: why did Camilla never go to school? Even before she told Mattie about Lukas, Mattie never talked about getting her enrolled in school after she was told her mom went to jail and I also noticed that they never went to Camilla's house to retrieve her things. Update soon please :)

Please end with Jethro and Camilla being together in the end! Seth is pure evil. If you ask me, he stripped something from Camilla he can never give back.

Your writing is good and loving the story so far:)
Well done.

I started this story a while ago and I just recently came back to it in order to refresh myself since I had told some people about it. I thought that I should leave a thoughtful review in order to give you my opinion and some good critique. Before I start of though I just want to say that my reviews tend to be by critical and may sound "mean" or something like that but everything I say I back up with evidence from your own writing and I personally believe that having someone who is honest and upfront with you is the best way to improve as a writer.

The first thing that I noticed once I got to the first chapter was the serious lack of any corrections and or edits. I am not a grammar cop or anything like that since my own writing tends to have mistakes as well but I do believe in decent writing and grammer. For me most of the time grammer and all that stuff should to left to an editor while the author focuses on the plot and writing itself. In this case however the grammer and writing was just out of the park with bad punctuation that I was so distracted by it all and just kept thinking about all of the ways that I would re-write things. An example of this is when you say in this very chapter:

"Camilla just tell me, did you enjoy our night together?," Seth asked, getting closer to her face.

There are a couple things wrong with this. First off the dialogue is perfectly fine it's just that towards the end you put a question mark which is in the right place but after that question mark you put a comma which does not belong there at all since the question mark already ends the sentence for you. I understand that you put a coma when there is a tag following the dialogue but in this case it's not necessary since there is already something (the question mark) that ends the sentence. What I really don't understand though is how on and off you are about correct punctuation. At times you follow the correct rules but other times you do something like this which leads me to think that it's just a typo but its done so often that I ruled that out. If they are just typos then you need to re-read your work before you post it because allof the mistakes are major distractions and the reader should be paying attention to the story rather than the mistakes.

Secondly your characters are very spontaneous and flitty. Camilla can never make a decision and stick to it. Seth is a psychopath that also seems to have a multiple personality disorder. Jethro seems to think that he's a man while everyone calls him a boy and then he decides to stop fighting for Camilla and postpone that for when he's older. I hate weak characters who have no voice and Camilla is just that, weak. She can barely stand up to the giant monster that Seth is and manages to get herself into situations where she will be hurt. When she does have a voice she can never make up her mind and stick to a decision which is very confusing for the reader since we can never know what to expect from her. What the reader really needs to get a feel of is her mind and her thoughts about Seth and Jethro instead of the constant back and forth action that is occurring.

I have no problem with her being with her cousin, although at first I was hesitant, but she needs to stand up for herself. She needs to be the one wearing the pants in their relationship and tell stop succumbing to his seduction. Yeah, we get it, he's hot but that is no excuse to not put your own happiness and the happiness of your child at risk. Another point is, she's always talking about being a mom and how she's had to mature but she herself is still a child. When I say that she's a child it has nothing to do with her age but her character, actions, and decisions. When she is certain of what she wants and the path that she wants to purseu then I'll stop feeling so anxious about the well being of their baby boy.

I have also noticed that every argument begins and ends with sex and that's no way to solve a problem. She uses sex to try and "test" Seth then when he gets pissed at her he rapes her. This whole story is revolving around sex and of this is supposed to be realistic and possibly a romance then she needs to solve her problems with out the aid of sex. In fact what could really get me to believe the "love" that they share is if they were to go a week without having sex, or any other form of intimacy besides kissing. During that week we could learn more about their characters and develop them further.

When I was telling my friends about this story I was talking about how stupid Camilla was and past the point were she was wining about Seth I just found her and her predicament a little funny because of the lack of seriousness that is applied. Overall I would give this a 3/5 for plot, 2/5 for format and grammer, and 4/5 for peaking my interest and always keeping things interesting even if the characters are annoying. I do hope that you keep on writing and take my critique. Don't take any of this to heart and I hope to see the next chapter up soon. Purple

I am completely blown away by this story... Seth is hot and together they make a sexy couple. Out of all the stories on this site this is by far the best one! Please update this soon!

Team Jacob all the way! And I'm so frustrated with Camilla! Make up your mind girl! This is like reading Twilight again except it has a lot more sex, rape and minors having sex. Anyhow, Camilla should end up with the boy from the stable, whose name I can't remember, but Camilla should still let Seth parent their son and Seth should find someone his own age to f*ck with...Sorry. Major freak out here. Anyways thank you so much for updating and update again soon plz!

This is an awesome chapter, and getting interesting as it goes on. Please update soon :D

Please dont make her like him. Hes her rapist, put her with jethro... Please? I really hate seth.

Aww thanks for the review reply ;)
At least he is trying to change! And Camilla is willing to accept him again.
I can't believe I have forgotten but what did you mean by, 'I want to know if your still going through with that story you wanted. :)'?
Thanks for updating!

great chapter, more please.

Great chapter!

Camilla you are dumb. Just straight out dumb. He hit you, he raped, he says sorry, but if he was sorry, he would stop. I dont understand why your with this guy. If you think it's love, then your not dumb, your unintelligent. Almost anybody would come to realization and say " Oh shoot, if i stay with him, My son, may become a rapist, like his father." So, if you do not want your son to become a rapist, or a stalker, I really think you should leave his "amazing" father figure. N this single mother thing, girl, you have to think about your child safety before your love life. my mother is a single mother, for 13 years, she has been raising, my older brother, myself and my younger brother. If she can do it, psh i'm sure you can too. grow some balls and stand up for you and your child and leave seth. All he cares about is sex. Notice, when he came to see you, or "safe" you, he didnt see if you had anything to eat. He didnt see if you were ok. No no, he wanted the sex, so think about this, and make better choices in life.

I kind of like this story, I just think that your characters are kinda annoying. I really don't mind the insest thing, I mean I am currently reading a manga I love that is a brother and sister so the insest doesn't bother me. The age kinda does though, I mean first off, Camilla is really young. I think you had said she was 14 at some point? And her aunt is good with her 18 yr. old son screwing a 14 yr. old? And Jethro is really young too, I think you said 13 yr. old. That kinda bothers me, I don't know why. Also Camilla, is all like, "Seth you are so nice, I love our baby, I am happy, Please stay with me at night" And then she flips out when they have sex...I mean I understand he raped her, I get that, but, I mean she is totally leading him on then flips out on him. UH HELLUR Do not flip out out your psyhco cousin who has raped you. I mean really. What did she think would happen? And also...it's not the babies fault. Seth is a freaking psyhcopath, I mean he just walks her up to his friends and is all "Hey this is my cousin/girlfriend" and expects them to be good with it? Uh yeah, how about Ner. NOW, what I like about the story. I like the fact that I have never saw another story like this on here. So congrads Also, I kinda really like the age diffrenence too, well except Jethro's, it plays more in to that forbidden love thing you have going on. I also really like your character's names. I also like how you discibed Seth, usually when you think of bad guys, you think of Tatt'd up, pierced up, tall, black haired guys (Well except in my case, that accually sound pretty hot lol), but Seth is blonde hair and, you know, not evil looking. And Jethro seems so inoccent :3. I can't really think of anything eles to write, so I'm going to say, you are doing really well, and I do like your story, don't let my negitive comments get you down. Keep writting!

where is the rest? I can't wait to read more! PLease go on!