|Reviews for Sulfur|
| THE BNZ chapter 3 . 8/12/2011
How long, approximately, in the story, has passed between this chapter and the previous one? Because, as far as I can remember, they were still in the desert in Chapter 2. But I probably missed something; I'm slow like that. Or it could be that I was misinterpreting things. I do that, unfortunately.
THIS IS EXCITING. I am genuinely excited by the prospects that this chapter brings, although I'm not exactly concerned (I mean, these people are hundreds if not thousands of miles away from Waset, so they can't really summon the royal guard to apprehend Khensa and those guys. Although they could probably beat them up, so.) And there were almost no grammatical errors whatsoever. Just the few things that could make the reading a bit smoother:
-"Ho-there!" sounds a bit weird with the hyphen in there. Just sayin'.
-"The snow's thick this time of year. The wolves, hungry." sounds a bit off, too. Maybe add a semicolon in between "year" and "the".
-"The smell here is bright and rich, cedar." I think that you should put a colon in place of the comma.
-"Its angry pleats follow us through the woods..." Angry pleats? Do squirrels pleat? I'm not really sure about that... I think they make some sort of chittering sound.
I've been reading a bunch of Lovecraft lately, so I've been picturing a misty little hamlet filled with fish-faced inbred villagers as I read this. It really adds to the mood. :D
I can't wait to find out what happens next! Thanks for updating!
| CESmith372 chapter 3 . 8/12/2011
I love that the story is getting slightly dramatic! Hooray! I did find one error perhaps. "I love water." Bomani says feels like it should have a comma. Very very minor obviously, but thats one error I for some reason just always notice when I read. I also have a question: does Khensa have glamor anymore? I know someone said in the last book that she didnt, but Bomani keeps mentioning it like its still around so I was confused. Maybe he just uses it as some fanciful justification for his attraction to her, hehe.
| Renaissance Phoenix chapter 3 . 8/12/2011
"...the sheath I wears..." at the beginning of the chapter. Just after that you have "...a green lattice work of..." Not sure if you meant a lattice (you don't really need the work) or if you wanted the work in there, in which case latticework is one word, not two. "...his eyes and beard, bushy and silver" doesn't need the comma in there. It's not really a typo, but "okay" seems mighty informal considering the rest of the language you use in your writing. You have an extra comma in "...the willows and brush, half submerged," again. "Shana's eyes are half closed. Her ears pricked to the songs..." is off. It would flow better if you merge it into once sentence by removing the period and making it into a comma, or if you make the second sentence into, "Her ears are pricked to the songs..." Upon Kissa's entry, you have a sentence that goes, "In it's a frame," which I think you meant to be, "In its frame."
The effect of the smell of cedar evoking Khensa's memories of Bata is very nice; they do say that smell is the sense tied most strongly to memory, after all. And the bit about, "I chew on my tongue as I chew on my thoughts" is a lovely simile. I feel so bad for poor Buni, and you are a terrible person for leaving us with a cliffhanger like that!
Eagerly awaiting next Friday,
| SweetlilSunshine chapter 3 . 8/12/2011
oh no! is bomani in trouble?
| Secrets and Lilies chapter 2 . 8/11/2011
I don't usually like first person perspectives on stories because most people can't do them very well. This is one of those exceptions that makes me wonder how on earth people get it wrong.
The way you write is very dreamy and seems to have been absolutely effortless - something I'm very jealous of!
Your characters are absolutely fantastic and well rounded, Bomani's obvious attraction to Khensa and how she hasn't seemed to notice is brilliantly done. I like how complex all the characters are with their own motivations and reasons for wanting to go on the next phase of this story.
I could gush for absolutely ages but I'm sure you've had all these told to you before. Its a rare treat to have something this good for free online, and when I get my kindle fixed (those things are incredibly flimsy) I'll almost certainly be buying a copy for it!
| ChocolateCookie chapter 2 . 8/11/2011
It's a bit strange reading through these again having already read them. I don't want to say anything spoilerish in case anyone reads the reviews, but it really makes a difference to read this through knowing what's going ot happen. I can sort of see the construction lines of your writing.
| SweetlilSunshine chapter 2 . 8/9/2011
I loved Farro, and now I'm sure I'll love this story too. Keep writing, because I promise you that I will be reading!
| Rae chapter 2 . 8/8/2011
This has been the best weekend ever, because I discovered your stories! It took me a day to read Farro, I was hooked on the first chapter and read it faithfully every moment I could!
I love how realistic your characters are and how the plot is so well planned, pieces coming together and mysteries solved to create a truly amazing story.
I was SO happy to see that Sulfur was already up! I look forward to following it start to finish!
| bluelibellule13 chapter 2 . 8/7/2011
I only found one mistake in this chapter:
"'Have you ever seen an elephant, Bomani?' I ask after we've passed were he'd seen the fennec."
"Were" should be "where". Only a small mistake, but I figured I should point it out in case you didn't notice it before publishing.
Can't wait for the next update! This story is amazing, and I can't wait for it to be completed!
| AJ Garcia chapter 2 . 8/6/2011
First off! The line "from having it experienced it firsthand too many times to count." has one too many it(s) in it. Might want to consider redoing that... BUT THAT WAS AWESOME! I like it when Bomani is happy:)) her mother was a prostitute? Holy twister on Monday batman! Now SHE has issues! Everyones got problems! I kind of want her to forgive her father... Since it only hurts you and the people around you to hold a grudge\ but maybe that's just my experience... I hope their traveling ends and the fighting begins soon! I like it when Bomani is all hero and all. so forgive me for being a little impatient. Your stories are just so compelling that I just bounce around in my seat waiting for you to update:D I can see your descriptions so perfectly in my mind! Can't wait for more!
| THE BNZ chapter 2 . 8/5/2011
Hooray for the new chapter! I've been waiting all day for this!
I really do want to be helpful and give constructive criticism, but you don't seem to need any. I can point out a couple errors, but otherwise the chapter is good and exciting.
So, for the errors:
-"I've been lost in the desert before, it had ended badly" sounds a bit... you know, off. I'd suggest using a semicolon in place of the comma and getting rid of the 'had'.
-"Callouses" is misspelled; it should be 'calluses'.
-"...marking the end of our two day dry spell..."; the words 'two' and 'day' should have a hyphen between them.
-"You never were a great climber were you?"; there should be a comma between 'were' and 'you'.
-"... a great unicorn upon its head..."; it would sound less awkward and odd if you changed it to something like, "a great single horn upon its head..." or something.
See, there is, like, NOTHING wrong with this chapter for me to offer constructive criticism on. It makes me feel guilty so I nitpick. Sorry. :(
But this chapter is even BETTER. I like how everyone is getting surly with each other, and it was hilarious (to me at least) how much Bomani enjoyed regaling those guys with tales of his incredibly manly pursuits. He's such a derp. :D
And I totally didn't expect that Khensa's surrogate mother would be a prostitute! I really did not. But I do love how she calls her "Mama", because she's otherwise so tough, but that adds a bit of childishness to her harsh exterior.
So, I'm even more excited for the next chapter! Please carry on, although I wish you'd update more often than just Fridays. It's not likely, but still. Maybe you'll up the ante in the final chapters or something? I can only hope.
| bulletproof.cupid chapter 2 . 8/5/2011
AHAHA! It's Friday! Friday! Gotta get down on Friday! :p (such a nasty, mindless song by a twit nonetheless!) Glad it made you laugh!
So Bomani, yet again you steal away my heart! He's opening up and I love it - I do! It's come naturally - and very true to life - where Khensa (as well as the rest of the crew) is surprised to see him open up like he is. Sure, he privately simmers in anger (and I love that Khensa knows him enough to acknowledge his anger is short-lived and benign) but he's showing more and more of himself as the 'days' go by. Lovely! His body seems like a story, instead of ink, he has white lines curved into delicate maps of his past. It's beautiful. I personally love it when you can tell so much just by looking at someone - it's awesome :)
Khensa, on the other hand, is beginning to learn bits and pieces about her mother. Ick, growing up trained to be a geisha (as I like to call it!)... not so good! I wonder if Bomani saw he that way in the starting? But as we can tell, she is a woman who makes good tea... and eeeee (my heart squealed) when Bomani asked what that told about Khensa! Yes Bomani, yes, Khensa would make you a brilliant wife - with talent and guts and intelligence to stand up to you while fighting for you! Le sigh, how my heart squeals for the moment when they fall in love! :D Anyway, intesting mother tidbit aside, I can see how distraught it makes Khensa :(
Ending off, I would just like to say your descriptions within this chapter blew me away. Examples:
"The air explodes with the smell of oranges and cloves, and the cinnamon bark unfurls like a morning glory at sunrise." - Good Lord, such imagery and sheer brilliance. When I read lines like this, it makes me want to rejoice for good literature! It makes me want to scream, "Screw you Stephanie Meyers/Twilight... there's still hope in this world!" It's just beautiful and I imagine a tangerine sunrise with dew-dipped flowers :)
"That emerald smudge in the distance – the foothills." - This sentence particularly, it's simple and very apt, but by adding 'emerald' to the line, you've transformed it. Lovely work!
Alrighty then! Good work with the chapter. Didn't notice any obvious mistakes *high-five* Gotta wait for another 7 days before we get another mighty chapter. Take care and good luck x
| d12e8k6 chapter 2 . 8/5/2011
I really enjoy these books! They're so awesome!
| Inbobniac chapter 1 . 7/31/2011
Sorry this took me a while; I just got back from Colorado today, where internet isn't really encouraged in camp.
Anyhow, I was so excited when I saw that you finally started Sulfer! I cut my friend off in mid-sentence to squeal. It took me a few minutes to recall who everyone is (I'm still struggling on Ghari.) Mbiki is Khensa's father, correct? I'm debating if I should just go back and read Farro. It's still summer and I still have no life. Which, by the way, you could totally fill up with updates... *COUGHHINTCOUGH* Not like I have four stories that all require updates or anything...
I'm still giggly over Bomani. And some part of me played with the idea of him shouting "GARRR YOU KILLED MY MOM" and shoving Khensa over the edge. Then realizing she's their best bet to get passed the mountains and having to tell everyone he pushed her over the edge of a cliff. THEN he'd realize he LIKE likes her. IFFF you know what I mean.
Which you do.
Because I've mentioned so before.
BAHAHAHHA SULFER IS HERE!
| AJ Garcia chapter 1 . 7/30/2011
YAY! Praise the Lord, you updated! I'm so so so happy right now! Every Friday huh? Well, I will be waiting for it! I'm excited to be reading another of your amazing stories. I'm planning on buying the books a d spreading word about them because they are simply AMAZING! they are the coolest things since chocolate chip cookies!
This is a nice way ti start up the story:) but I am sad to say that I need to go back and review... I can't seem to remember much XP not good not good! You are doing wonderful. I know you won't disappoint;) good luck!