Reviews for Eloy
cody murphy chapter 2 . 10/12/2013
neat story! cant wait for the next chapter!
Lovaxx chapter 1 . 8/4/2011
Big bad Ty the Hentai Junky, alright man i had to check this beast out and i have to be honest it definitly peaked my interest. first off I'm not going to spend time correcting major grammer because i am horrible at that and i dont want to make a fool of myself, in fact there will probably be a few mistakes in this review XD alright first things first, Eloy is a pretty sick name for a male character, its very different and it has pretty neat way of sounding hard like metal and zen like in my opinion. second is a spelling error-Purl Harbor, i think you mean Pearl Harbor. second this opening was very informative, but in my opinion you dont need to inform everyone so indepthly on what an otaku is, it should be brief but still i enjoyed it. then comes the electromancer and other super powers. you have two paths you can chose when writing this story Ty, you can choose path one and make it just like any other super powered kid who has the ability to control electricity or you can choose path two and make him much more and make him unique. so i hope you do very well and head down path two :) good job over all and i will be reading chapter 2 later tonight my friend.

-Fingerjagues :)
Louis-sama chapter 2 . 8/2/2011
Sorry for this late review. Let's see... the story has gotten better than before, and your description seems to be understandable. But I can feel there's a problem about how this story was told from the point of view of your main character: it feels a bit like a self-insert. And you missed some commas throughout the story, which gave me a bit of headache. Still, this is not a bad story and I'll be waiting for an update.

Louis-sama (2011)
Heart of The Tainted chapter 1 . 8/1/2011
KEY

X.Y

XParagraph

YLine

(note that this is in 1/2 story width)

i.e.: 1.1 means paragraph one line one.

Grammar markups:

1.2 The last sentence should end in a question mark.

2.1 Pearl Harbor

3.1 You shouldn't capitalize Childs Play and it needs an apostrophe to show possession.

5.1 The first sentence needs a comma before "and" since it has the make-up of a compound sentence.

5.2 Forgot end punctuation.

6.1 "Occurrence's" doesn't need an apostrophe.

6.2 You need a comma before "but" since the sentence has the make-up of a compound sentence, and you forgot end punctuation.

7.1 High School Sophomore doesn't need to be capitalized.

7.2 You need a comma after "one" to create a complex sentence, and you need to combine the first two sentences to create a compound sentence by turning the period into a comma.

9.1 Than not "then." Replace "they" with "it" for subject consistency.

10.1 Put a comma after "veins."

10.3 Place a comma before "and" to correctly structure the compound sentence.

12.2 Secret not "secrete."

13.1 Knew not "would know" in order to preserve tense.

...ARG! Screw consistency, I wanna get into the suggestion and structure portion!

PS second to last paragraph. Tale and very.

Suggestions

-

These are just things to think about...probably could help with generating ideas for content.

I would suggest researching principles of electricity. It would greatly enrich your story. Especially the details about current and voltage. Electricity is a tricky thing. A person can survive a shock from a 25,000 volt stun gun, but 10 amps of electrical current, and there is no coming back. Also be very minded of grounding since, not much can happen if the target isn't grounded when Eloy tries to attack. IE birds on powerlines.

Now, about his martial arts, I just want to throw out there, kendo doesn't actually have a physical belt, you wouldn't be able to see it on the uniform anyways. With Eloy being a black belt, that doesn't mean he is the master of the universe. It's like he got his bachelor's degree. There are higher degrees of black belt, but there are rules to promotion usually. By my calculation, Eloy can only be a 3rd degree black belt...in anything I think. By that logic, that means someone gave him his black belt, so that means he is part of an organization with someone who can promote him.

Since Echo is an affiliate of the CIA, research the structure of the organization, and I better hear the word "Langley" at least ten times throughout your story. :P Also since it is a government organization, Eloy must have a handler who is specifically tasked to act as his interface to the organization. IE the guy who pays him and gives him the missions. Is Echo the American branch that controls the super humans in North America? Is there a world organization that has many branches supervising everything? Just things to think about.

Another thing, be careful about the otaku portion of things, it has a scent that reeks of self-insert. Self-inserts tend to lead to gary/mary sues. Just tone down the preachiness of it all. To be honest, the last part about the otaku stuff was a lil boring in comparison to everything else. His super humanity was a ton more interesting.

My main suggestion is to research everything. It helps to no end.

Comments

I like the way you structured this chapter. It was rather interesting for a manga-styled story. Hopefully, Chapter 2 can be just as interesting.
TK Anez chapter 2 . 8/1/2011
Another good chapter! I really like how Eloy is an otaku, but is also rich and has a super power. Such a relatable and realistic character! I can't wait to see how he deals with going back to school.
TK Anez chapter 1 . 8/1/2011
Such a haunting prologue! The intro drew me in, especially when you say "That stuff is child's play". It's very interesting how you've set it in 2011. Your voice is very strong, and I love how directly you address the reader. Looking forward to reading on :) Maybe you could check out my story, Ishiki. I'd love to get your opinion on it :)
Vio the Wandering Lover chapter 1 . 8/1/2011
Well, well. Very entertaining for a first chapter, regardless of how much it may sound like teaching lesson to some. I enjoyed hearing about Eloy, his take on Otaku's and etc.

Though I can't agree about the 'Taking Sid over Linkin Park' thing. I call myself an Otaku too, but never will I disgrace LP worse than they did to themselves in with that last album.

Near the end, there were a few mistakes, like having 'vary' instead of 'very' and 'tail' instead of 'tale' but they were almost miss-able. 'Oh, and Pearl Harbor. Please go change that, as someone might get offended.'

Other than that, only the real first chapter will tell if this is a hit or miss story. So far, I want to come back for more.
Louis-sama chapter 1 . 8/1/2011
Hi there.

What I can say is, not bad at all. The way you've given to the character seems to be quite plausible, considering the main character is an otaku. I smell a very good plot ahead even though you only had posted a prologue. But I think you have something wrong here. 'There' supposed to be 'their', but I hope it's just a typo.

Not bad, but not too good either. Instead of a proper story, this prologue is more like the monologue of the main character, but I think I'll wait for the next chapter. I'm kind, aren't I?

Overall, this is a very good attempt to make a story and I wish to see the update. While you're at it, why don't you read my story? I'll be glad if you do that. Haha... how shameless I am, advertising my own story after reviewing someone. Well, this is my style.

Louis-sama