|Reviews for Disease|
| YasuRan chapter 1 . 8/20/2011
Woo, this is one hell of a read. It's punchy, dark, and atmospheric. You really had us buried in the twisted psyche of your protagonist, his hate, his desires and his amusement over his massacre. Scary but appropriate nonetheless. I also like the mix of prose and poetry. It reminds me of what I used to write in high-school, though I'd say yours is a lot more polished than mine ever was XD
I think the winning part for me had to be the passage beginning with 'Watching your classmates die is like a comedy movie...' Morbid as it is, it's so appropriate for the character and hardhitting.
| megger chapter 1 . 8/14/2011
There were a few run-on sentences here and there, but nothing too unpalatable.
At first, I thought that the main was a girl. It wasn't until I got to the Little Miss Whore part that I figured out this is a guy speaking. It was nice because I don't think I've read the guy version of a break-up.
It was interesting to see his spiral into madness, I guess you could say. I could see where he was coming from (the break-up) but considering the seriousness of the situation, you made a really unsympathetic character. While I could relate to his post-break up pain, I still hated what he did.
I didn't really expect this to turn out the way it did, but you did showcase some really powerful imagery and the feelings of the boy.
-The Review Game
| Katalina Tomas chapter 1 . 8/13/2011
Wow... just wow. The imagery painted the scene perfectly, which made the story twice as horrifying. It's like... twisted love. I've always loved your descriptions - you know that. I don't really have anything more to say. Your grammar is perfect, and so is everything else.
| Sercus Kaynine chapter 1 . 8/10/2011
I absolutely adored the imagery and structure to this. It starts out pleasant and creative, with the lovely bird description. Then you abruptly pull us down with the transition, and the piece continues to get more and more chaotic until the end. I love how you repeated things more at the end and asked more questions to the reader, making it seem almost conversational.
Good job and good luck in WCC!
| LiberryBooked chapter 1 . 8/9/2011
I really like the flow of this piece. It made me shudder. I think you did a great job of getting inside your character's head, but at the same time I would have liked to understand him a bit better and the logic behind what he was doing. Even then I still enjoyed it.
Good luck for WCC!
| rgarner31 chapter 1 . 8/4/2011
WOW. This is gross, disgusting, and horrifying, yet irresistible. I hate him for what hes been driven to do, yet i understand that he was *driven* to it, by one thing or another. His ignoring the pleas for life, for him to spare them paints a vivid picture of his character better than any words could ever do. Great job of showing and not telling.
Good luck in the contest!
| Dragon made me do it chapter 1 . 8/2/2011
Well crafted and an interesting take on the prompt. quite chilling!
I liked the device you used of splitting sentences across multiple lines with a comma, to give your writing a poetic flavour. This works particularly well to open and close the story.
Well done and good luck.
| Dr. Self Destruct chapter 1 . 8/2/2011
Hello! :D I'm going to review this while I read, or else I tend to forget things I wanna say.
I really enjoy how you open up with this one-shot. The image of a broken angel is one I will always love - not sure why, haha. I think it's an interesting way to describe someone you love, considering being a broken angel isn't something a person should strive to be. It brings to mind imperfection, but also beauty, so it shows me the speaker accepts this person he's talking about (I'm assuming a lover) faults and all, and because of their faults, the speaker thinks s/he is even more beautiful. Perfection due to their imperfections, if you will, and there's no love stronger than a love that can look past all our pitfalls and weaknesses.
Damn. This is a really controversial piece, eh? I like how you bring the reader into the head of the one doing the school shooting, because we all see it from the other end much too often. You do a great job in making the narrator sound insane - some of the stuff he's saying, especially about the disease and his fellow classmates, is just so raw and powerful it gave me shivers. I really like that in a piece of fiction - not very often can it make me grimace or cringe, but I found myself holding my breath and waiting for him to turn the gun on himself.
[I am dead, twitching and melting into sociopath soup;]
Loved this line! It says so much in so few words.
I also enjoyed how you went from past tense in the beginning to present tense. Kinda makes me think he was thinking about all these things while sitting in the car loading his gun, ya know? Very cool.
But yeah, great job. This is so evil and twisted... and I loved every word.
Now, I'm going to be a bit nit-picky here (but that's just because I want you to win the WCC. :D). You can take my suggestions or leave them, they're just little random things I noticed while reading:
[We had been way too young, immature high school students who [had] thought [that] they'd stumbled across the threshold of a rare thing called love.]
Style: I would suggest taking out the two words I bracketed (had and that). The sentence can stand on its own without them, and I personally think it flows a bit better - kinda keeps a fast pace so the reader can keep flowing through the rest of the narrative.
[Now you've torn me down like you tore down everything you believed in.]
Style: I don't normally make a big deal about prepositions at the end of sentences, but this sentence can be reworded very easily to not have the preposition at the end:
"Now you've torn me down like you torn down everything in which you believed."
Hmm... not really sure if I like my suggestion, now that I look at it. Ah, well, not that big of a deal.
[Hope had been born in my hole of a mind, but you tore it down and [it and] left it gray and decaying.]
Edit: I think they're a few extra words in here you didn't mean to put (they're in the brackets).
[they can't flee, I've made sure of that, I've locked the doors from the outside.]
Style: I think if you make the two commas before the 'I've' periods, it'll disrupt the two sentences and make them a bit more dramatic.
| Hikari897 chapter 1 . 8/2/2011
You're stories always amaze me, and scare me. This was really good, and I know that you've entered this for the contest, and I'm voting for you.(I've entered too, but voting for myself seems foolish) Note-You have to put in an author's note saying that this was for a contest, it was in the rules. This is a really good story, you'll probably win!
| too.much.of.water chapter 1 . 8/2/2011
I've got to stop reading your stuff, it's too good. And disturbing. Stuff I particularly liked includes sociopath soup, the whole cascade-into-darkness concept and that line; watching your classmates die is like a comedy movie. I really loved this and you've got a really good chance of winning this competition straight up with work like this. Good job :)