|Reviews for Life Through the eyes of a young werewolf|
| Miranda Catherine chapter 4 . 7/13/2012
Love the attention to detail. I would've reviewed the other chapters but I wanted to get through the whole story. Watch out for run on sentences, and also random moments of stuff that doesn't go with the momentary detail...if that makes any sense.
Proof read for grammatical glitches. I make those all the time, so don't worry haha. I think you have the makings of a really good writer. Glad I found you!
Are you going to continue? That would be great because I would love to read more.
| AnonAnonymousAnon chapter 1 . 11/25/2011
That was good. I kinda wished it was a bit longer, but still good. Are you going to continue with the story?
| Zeus on the Loose chapter 1 . 8/28/2011
OMGX3! Is this a true story?
Haha, just kidding. It's a good story. Are you going to continue?
| david the scottish werewolf chapter 1 . 8/18/2011
How was that
| WereMagi chapter 1 . 8/10/2011
Forgive me when I say that this chapter is poorly written. I am going to give some hints and observations on these chapters, something you can ignore or follow, your choose. I am giving you this as I need this from those that like my stories so I know what I am doing right and wrong.
Firstly, your beginning is good. But instead of the "(Two hours Later)" thing, you should be descriptive. This is a perfect opportunity to tell us information on our protagonist. You could describe his room, so we get an idea of who he is. His clothes, his furniture and the state it all is in. You could tell us what kind of house he is in. If he has to pick up heavy boxes, does he have trouble or is her fairly strong. By using a "(Two hours Later)" to fast forward time, your losing space, wasting it which could have made the reader understand the person whose eyes, mind, emotions, thoughts and opinions are open to.
After that, that's where you started to go from a slip up to free falling without a parachute.
Cell phones dont ring ring ring, they have ringtones. What did you pick for your ringtone and why? I chose mine because I liked the song, so when it rings, people who hear get an idea what I listen to.
after that, fairly good conversation, but you could of added more.
'I answered the call, and help the phone against my ear with my shoulder as I packed my folder clothes into the many hungry boxes.'
Thats an example of what you could of done with your story. Your just telling the reader what's happening, like your recounting what you did on the weekend to a friend. BE DESCRIPTIVE! It helps set the mood and tension, it can help on so many levels that I just dont want to explain right now as I dont want to rant for too long least I demoralise you.
Learn from this, as the next part of where David goes to pick up his girlfriend could also deal with detail.
And now, your last paragraph... I have ranted for too much so I feel like attacking it as individual pieces will be overkill so all I will have to say is elaborate and describe whats happening, is the night cold, whats the woods like, where the HELL ARE YOU and also, what is David thinking? Is he nervous? Is he enjoying her company, and is she still fuming or subdued, scared? The kill needs to be described, be metaphorical.
"When my jaws clamped around the wolf's neck, I felt a thrill run down my being. I was alive, I was the strongest, so I live. It felt so good, the elation. It was like being a child and you got to have a puppy, only more thrilling, like the puppy was a wolf pup. That killed.
Well, I hope this helps you!
PS: dont dedicate future chapters to me, I really didnt do much to earn it. When someone contributes enough to the story's being, then you can dedicate it. It lets the readers acknowledge that that person has greatly helped out enough for you to thank them and they too will go and thank the person.
So yeah, great potential, now to just draw it out.
| LilMaria chapter 1 . 8/5/2011
This was pretty good but one thing i would point put in my fail attempt at critique Is the bold "ringring" that you had with his cellphone. Instead of that you could just say that his cellphone rung and he picked it up.
Another thing is how you have centered everything including the dialouge. I wouldnt advise doing that because it confuses the reader as to who is saying what and wht is going on and everything seemed mixed up.
Your summary was really good given that we are limited to a 230 word amount or something like that. Since I am a complete fail when it comes to summaries, I commend you!:)
Like I said, good story and I am captivated so I cannot wait to read more. Keeep up the good work!:):)
Peace and Love