|Reviews for Infected|
| theDJK chapter 5 . 10/17/2011
And the plot thickens! Great once again, got a hold of my attention!
| theDJK chapter 4 . 9/7/2011
Ok, I like this chapter, it's moving the story along, and getting into the plot you've made up in your mind (which i think is awesome) but from my pov, it seems that you were trying to rush a lot of information out at once.
Like how Israel rolls his eyes in mild frustration that Honey hasn't told Val anything, but then so adamently began to give her detail, indepthed, information about stuff. He really didn't even know that if she was truly "infected" or not.
I just think that from this chapter, everyone is way to willing to be friends and except Val into the group or to say that she was brought in and informed way too fast. It made a particularly important and pivitol point very bland.
Other than that aspect I enjoyed what I read. :)
| theDJK chapter 3 . 9/1/2011
I don't know if you're reading these, or if you've been on recently or not. All I have to say is that these chapters are getting better and better!
I'm liking Honey. Don't know much about her, but from how you discribed her, I like her a lot.
The funny...really creppy funny thing about this chapter is that I was listening to Linkin Park's Hybrid Theory album...and as I was in the middle of the chapter (getting towards the end) track 5 started playing...Crawling lol.
Oh perfect ending to a perfect chapter!
| theDJK chapter 2 . 8/30/2011
Well, once again, it looks like lightning struck twice in the same exact place. I had to make a lsit as i was reading to make sure i didn't forget anything while I wrote the review.
Here it goes: So whatever she's been drugged with has given her the ability to "talk" to things. That, in my eyes, is original to a point (but nothing is truly original is this world now-a-days :D) I liked it, i can't wait to see it manifest more. Correct me if I'm wrong, but the whole pain equaling clarity for her was an amazing thought. Everything is flooding her senses because of her abilities now, but the quick moments of pain distract her senses long enough to gain some clarity. Genius!
Your explanation of the city was well thought out. I liked it. I kind of got a feel of the city like the city in Ultra Violet movie or Mirror's Edge video game (which I'm insane for lol) A clean, prestine city, but has it's underbelly. Perfect! Google the movie and the game to see what I'm talking about if you don't already know.
Finally, your further details on Val. Val is turning into a character that I'm really going to get into. Every little detail you were exploiting with her (the make up mostly) got to me. It helped, but not too much, to create my mind's image of her. Well done.
| theDJK chapter 1 . 8/30/2011
Ok first of all...this is some good shit! I'm extremely picky about the fiction I read. If i'm in not drawn in by the first few paragraphs, then i don't put my time into it. You, on the other hand, caught me and didn't let go.
With that said, on to the reveiw: I like how dark you portrayed the setting, but it wasn't too dark, like emo or anything. It was the perfect amount of discription to let the imagination to allow a creation of the setting.
I like the way you wrote how Val talks. I've instantly drawn this picture in my head of who she is. I'm werid, but how a person talks hepls me with that.
Last, but not least, the story over all, I can see doing big things. A world where if you're deemed useless, you are Infected? Nice way to draw a person in. I'm going to stop and check out the next chapter. You just got a fan!
| disrhythmic chapter 1 . 8/14/2011
I love the narrator's voice. It's really distinctive and engaging and draws the reader in right away. :) I also like the sort of NeoNazi premise - it's different, at least to me, and I like the fact that it's plausible (and, really, not too big of a step forward from current society... but I digress). Oh, I like the sarcastic bent of the ending - nice touch. :)
| berley chapter 1 . 8/13/2011
Sorry this review is late. I’ve been really busy.
“I turn on the faucet and scrub, scrub, scrub the letters until I'm red and raw.”
I quite enjoyed that line.
“This means that undesirability and death.”
I would suggest removing ‘that’.
“I'll just die of this disease that I've been intentionally infected with quietly”
I would suggest rephrasing this sentence. I like where you’re going with it, but I’m not a fan of ‘intentionally infected with quietly.’ The two words with ‘ly’ at the end so close together just doesn’t sound right.
“We had then made out for a little”
I’d rephrase this too. Take out the ’then’ and change the wording a bit. It sounds a bit awkward.
“filling me up with pixie dust and sands of slumber and everything else that sleep is made of.”
“And that's where I had blacked out.”
I’d rephrase that to “and that’s when I blacked out.” just a suggestion.
This is definitely an interesting first chapter. I liked how dark it was, though I think you could have gone a little further with your descriptions and actions to make it even darker, dingier and more dirty. This story definitely had potential, and I’m really looking forward to seeing where you go with this, and what kind of ‘infection’ this girl has, and why the government decided to do all this. Good job so far!
| Katerzzz chapter 1 . 8/8/2011
Hello from the Roadhouse :)
I'll get straight into it...man that was some creepy stuff, this government makes the Nazi's seem like angels, at least the gas chambers were relatively quick...jeez...were you going for a untermensch state here?
I like the fact that the main characters life is somewhat a mystery to us...we don't know much about her..I think future chapters hold the key to her true identity in this very interesting world :)
I really enjoyed it.
~Katerzzz (You can call me Katzzz)
~If you repay reviews, then you can repay with anything you fancy except where I specifically state no reviews! :)
| Deedee Elle chapter 1 . 8/7/2011
Hi from Review Game. I like the repetition of 'scrub' as it really emphasises the desperation the character must be feeling (and also a little 'out damned spot').
You've misspelled 'know' as 'no' in your third paragraph.
I like the way you go back to the previous night to explain the infection. You create a very good image of the dinginess of her surroundings. Your character comes across as very real, I liked her comments to the attacker about his name and his choice of her, it makes her sound very gutsy. She has a very realistic way of talking.
The overall premise is interesting, I like the idea of undesirables being taken out of society in this way and I look forward to seeing where you go with it.
| wisedec4u chapter 1 . 8/7/2011
This is certainly a disturbing and interesting concept you are going with. I found myself drawn in immediately by the main characters pessimistic attitude and the downtrodden life she'd fallen into. I thought your descriptions were well done and added to the grittiness off the story. However, I am very curiousas to why she was singled out. What is it about her that makes her less worthy to live then any other burn-out? I would also like a little more background (not too much) about how she came to this condition.
| SomeRandomScribbles chapter 1 . 8/7/2011
I like the way you introduce the background to this story, both of your character and of the government scheme so vital to the plot. It's subtle and gradual, and gives us what we need to know without overloading us with information.
Your writing is good, but sometimes I found it a little chatty (e.g. "been there, done that"), which took away from the impact a little. Also, you need to double check your grammar at times, and I felt you overused ellipses a little (...).
I loved the atmosphere you created in this opening. There's a dark, grungey, aggressive feeling to it all - you use language really effectively to do this, picking bold words like "raw" and "filth".
Good luck with the rest!
| Ezekiel Finch chapter 1 . 8/6/2011
Hi there from the RG!
I really like this concept. The idea of population control clearly has WW2, Holocaust, anti-government influences and you are drawing upon that to create this story. Although this concept has been done a million times over, I think what will make this story different is why our main character is chosen, how does this system choose people, and is there a way out? How you choose to interpret these questions will make this story or break it. I think what will make this story different is how the main character reacts to this. In most, the main will find a way to escape and use the antidote. Yet here you have your main character live her life despite the condition. This sets your story apart but there is still a lot of work to be done.
I do notice a few typos that you can easily fix.
"pretty damn professional, Mr. Searchfield, choosing only me out of a whole party full of useless burnouts and then feeling me up before you-"
This doesn't have to matter, remember, Val?
[The comma after remember should be removed because it creates a rhythm that feels awkward. It causes the rhythm to be "This doesn't have to matter" PAUSE "remember" PAUSE "Val?" If you change it then the sentence sounds less awkward.]
My life is a hole, anyway: going nowhere, caged in by dirt and filth. I never had a future, so why should this bother me?
[The comma after hole is unnecessary. It makes it the sentence feel like "My life is a hole" PAUSE "anyway:" PAUSE "going nowhere, caged..."]
| Mistval chapter 1 . 8/6/2011
Creepy story. So the government gets rid of undesirables by unsurreptitiously infecting them with some deadly disease. Quite distopic. The strangeness of this situation serves as a good hook to pull readers in.
I would have liked if the main character elaborated a bit on why her "life is a hole". I haven't really gotten a good handle on her personality or her previous situation in life. A couple more sentences on that would be nice.
A couple of technical things:
At the start you say. "This is like ... That's not what this is". It can't be both true and false, can it?
"No one can no about this" that seems to be missing a word or two.