|Reviews for Fighter|
| You Don't Understand Me chapter 7 . 11/5/2011
YAYYYY! YOU'VE RETURNED! What a joyous day this is! XD
I love how persistent Amelia is, The way she wants to finish her work :) I still am unable to express how much I love this story, and I hope there's another update sooooon! XD
| StoryStan chapter 7 . 10/31/2011
Good chapter! The healthy student-teacher relationship between the two is quite charming- although be careful not to make it seem like more (unless you mean to, although I feel as though that would be rather uncomfortable).
Also, I'm wondering, maybe just because I haven't read the first few chapters in a while, do we know how old Alcaeus is? I fee like his character is lacking physical description, aside from the fact that other female students find him attractive.
Of course, Amelia would be the student who stays extra long for detention.
By the way, I am thrilled to see a new chapter up. Your writing is warm and comfortable, if that makes sense. I don't even know if that makes sense...
Anyways, keep up the good work!
| StoryStan chapter 1 . 9/11/2011
One thing I've forgotten to say is that I'm still trying to figure out the title. Hopefully the title makes a bit more sense in the near future. The only other (minor) complaint is that so far we've seen hints of a plot line, but it seems as though the plot is not quite advancing. Given, the story holds my interest very well, I'm just waiting for more of theme in the book. Again, there have only been 6 chapters, and I have faith that you will move the story along more. I feel bad about saying this, because the story is REALLY good, but a story can only have so much cute semi-romantic banter and such before things need to start HAPPENING.
Keep writing the story! It's great! The worst thing that could happen is that a story with so much promise gets left off at just a few chapters of semi-romantic banter. I want to read more about the challenges that Amelia faces. I want to know why it is so dangerous that she's a witch. I want to know why she's a Fighter.
Again this story is in no way shape or form bad. It's not even that far in yet, for goodness sake! You're a great writer. Your writing sparks and makes people laugh (at least it makes me laugh). See this story through. It deserves to be written.
| SJR chapter 6 . 9/1/2011
Lol a vampire that can read minds? It's like this is turning into a parody almost. It made me laugh so much :D I loved it.
I'm still really enjoying this story - I can't wait for the next update! The mystery is killing me ;)
| SJR chapter 5 . 9/1/2011
This was my favourite chapter so far! (of course I still have one more left to go) :P It was definitely worth the wait. Your grasp of dialogue has become increasingly better and better and this chapter flowed with such ease that it was almost like I was there. I especially liked the little details for example the mummy girl and the finger in the potion - they made me smile :D I noticed certain sections where you explain aspects of other characters personalities but still manage to remain in the POV of Tom and I wanted to congratulate you on the ease with which you did that.
I just had one little thing to point out: your first paragraph is so long that it was a bit of hard slog to read through it all. The content, as with the rest of this chapter, was exceptional it just needed to be chopped up into several smaller chapters. I think in normal format this would have been fine but on FP I struggled slightly.
Otherwise it, as I have come to expect, delivered completely. Well done on a thoroughly enjoyable chapter and I'm excited about reading the next chapter. Your characters have picked up so much depth I'm really starting to fall in love with them :D x
| StoryStan chapter 6 . 8/29/2011
Not going to lie, this is one of my favorite stories on here. I can't think of any constructive criticism, so I'll just say, keep up the great work!
| Maximus.White chapter 5 . 8/29/2011
Hopefully, This third time I'll actually be able to post my review(The previous two times, I tried doing it from my phone, and the thing won't let me finish... Not I'm armed with my trusty laptop and provided there won't be a blackout, I WILL make my critique!).
Before we begin, a word of warning:
I got myself pretty worked up writing this, and I wasn't able to control my language in parts. And I'm not going to revise the critique, since the cussing actually helps getting the point through.
On we go.
Let's start at the beginning, shall we?
Like, the first sentence of your Author's note.
Never, EVER, point out similarities to other stories. If the readers see a similarity and tackle you with it, you can say:
"that wasn't intentional. There aren't too many ways you can describe a huge magical castle, right?"
Harry Potter's a ripoff of an older story, and the Inheritance cycle sounds like a ripoff of "The dragonriders of pern" that also has dragons linked with riders, and are able to communicate with the riders psychically.
I've a solid suspicion that Eragon was first conceived as a fanfic/continuation to an incredible story(Goddess above knows that FFnet is filled with sequels to Avatar, and percy jackson, and pretty much everything...)
The point I'm trying to make however, is that it doesn't matter. Innovations in Fantasy are pretty much impossible after Tolkien, and between Isaac Asimov and Frank Herbert, Science fiction's pretty covered too.
So what? You can't write any more stories?
You change a few details here and there, rename a few characters, carve the land into a new shape, and maybe rewrite the language.
It doesn't matter whether your story sounds like a ripoff of harry potter. if it's a good story, it's not a ripoff but an original work.
But yeah, when it's really too similar, it sort of discourages the reader, and when the author acknowledges that it's a ripoff, and blatantly writes it in bolded script on the equivalent of the freaking cover, it doesn't just discourage readers, it makes them groan, facepalm, and try and report said story to be moved to
Now that we've devoted 2500 characters to saying that ripping off isn't essentially bad, let's move on, shall we?
Let's focus on a particular character. specifically, let's look at George Payne, our favorite teenage werewolf, and obvious Amelia Thorn hater.
We've established that he IS a werewolf(He blatantly states so himself). Now, here's the thing:
Werewolves(Or Lycanthropes, basically any human that once a month, or under a certain condition, becomes something else, and the change isn't under his control) in EVERY fantasy story I've read, are considered dark creatures, or just too dangerous to be around humans.
And the thing is, it's true;
Would you risk being around someone that, at the flip of coin might become something dangerous(And yes, The Hulk and Flippy from HTF are both considered Lycanthropes, in a way)? Even if you knew that he could still tell who he was, and still hold even pretend control over his body? I sure as hell wouldn't, and I'm not the most sane person on the planet.
Now, back to George;
Would you risk sending your kids to a school with a werewolf attending? even if your kids are somehow monsters themselves?
See, the difference between werewolves and most other movie monsters(excluding vampires), is that werewolves can heal from injuries. that's what makes them so frightening. You can stab one in the fucking eye, and it will still come after you, as if it wasn't even a scratch. and the horrible thing is, that once he catches you, five minutes later, the werewolf won't even have a visible sign of his injury.
So now look at this from a different perspective(Say from the eyes of the mother of a random mummy girl?)
Would you agree your daughter attended a school that let's werewolves roam freely, werewolves that could use your daughter as a chew toy?
I sure as hell wouldn't.
It's what made Lupin's life in Hogwarts a living hell as a student. He feared what he might do to the rest of the student body.
While we're on the subject of the school, why the hell would monsters need to send their young to a school anyway?
Do zombies and mummies share a class on how to shuffle menacingly? Do werewolves learn how to wag their tails?
It's very confusing, and it sounds like the only reason you even came up with the concept, is to differentiate it from harry potter.
Moving on. How exactly are new monsters born(Especially zombies and mummies)?
See, zombies are basically reanimated corpses, so if you died in your teens, you'd still be a teenager a century from now(assuming you managed to last that long), only you know, without the raging hormones, due to them not having any blood(or heartbeat). it also stops any chance of procreation, at least not in the conventional sense. a zombie might bite someone and infect them with the zombie germ, and you could say that it's procreation, but that's just stupid...
And mummies, well, let's just say that mummies are made from emptying out a corpse, and well... I don't want to get to the details, so we'll just go with:
Making a mummy is a lot like making a stuffed animal.
again, denying every aspect of procreation(even the infection one, since mummies need to be made).
Moving on again, now that we've spent another 2.5k characters on a subject.
Unlikely Romances. Aah, now there's a nice subject(Or is it?).
An unlikely romance is, by definition, when a character is attracted to another character, despite not being of the same race, or even in the same stage of decomposition...
And yes, it does need to come up, since Thomas(Our beloved zombie) is striving to make Amelia his zombie bride.
For more info on that, check out the first section in my profile.
Right now(Up to chapter 5) Amelia scores 34 on the Mary sue litmus test(again, can be found in my profile), though I don't know enough about you, or about the story itself to be a good judge of that. 34 is based off of all the available information we have thus far, which means that you might score something a little bit higher(A lower score is preferable).
And while 34 is still not a Mary sue, it's only 1 point below the upper range for borderline sue, which is a few points too many...
So yeah... It's quite far from being perfect(needs a ton of work), but you can do it. Talent comes from practice, and according to some chinese philosopher, you need to do repeat something ten thousand times to be able to do it well.
so consider each chapter as another step towards your published novel, and since you have a few good years to practice(I first started writing when I was 17), so you have plenty of time.
One, final, tiny and very irking thing:
You make Amelia talk like a very old person...
"I should think that we're almost there."
People haven't talked that way since the victorian era, at least, and yet Amelia is talking that way.
Yeah, we get that she's intelligent, but that doesn't mean she can't speak the same way one of the unwashed masses does, can't she?
I'm able to use slang just fine, though I usually keep it out of my works. I much prefer a cleaner language, though I don't use official sounding victorian era lingo...
It's a very good job none the less, especially since I've seen much older people not even able to spell their own names...
So yeah, it's a very good start for a story, and i hope you'll try and implement some of the tips i wrote(maybe explain the whole monster high school thing though, because my explanation sort of sounds kind of logical... and it's depressing)
| You Don't Understand Me chapter 6 . 8/27/2011
Best. Chapter. EVERRRRRRRR! Ohmigosh, I could not stop reading! I like the new character Aaron, even if he is an annoying little flirt. I could have sworn his last name changed though, from Clarke to Vladimir. I could be wrong, and probably am :) Gee golly gee, this story is the right one for me! Write, write, write! *puts on AngelKirstie is awesome shirt*
| StoryStan chapter 5 . 8/16/2011
Again, great! One comment that I might make is that you used some words a lot in that chapter, namely "playfully". This usually isn't much of a problem, but with the word "Playfully" practically every other sentence, it detracts just a tiny bit from how great your writing is. Overall, though, this story is amazing! I'm looking forward to more!
| You Don't Understand Me chapter 5 . 8/16/2011
Oooo, quite exciting! I just died when I read chapter 5, it was so darn cute! X) And I don't hate these chapters, I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THEM! Keep up the good work! I'm excited to learn what's next!
(Thomas's finger in the potion made my day. Really. XD)
| You Don't Understand Me chapter 3 . 8/14/2011
Ah, so the plot thickens! :D Exciting! Many questions remain to be answered... I hope they are answered soon. Beautiful work, keep it up! :D
| SJR chapter 3 . 8/14/2011
Oh it does get darker! Every chapter just gets better and better. I liked Phineas and Maria very much. This chapter was good at setting the scene and making your characters a lot more 3D. Well Done! :D
| StoryStan chapter 3 . 8/14/2011
I've read the first three chapters, and so far so good! You use adjectives and adverbs well to make the reading more interesting to the reader. I'm very interested to see how the rest of Amelia's tale moves on.
Good luck, and keep it up!
| SJR chapter 2 . 8/13/2011
I liked the bit with the hand - I thought it was funny :D
| SJR chapter 1 . 8/13/2011
Lol, certainly saw the Harry Potter references! XD I like the concept of Zombies going to school though.
There was just one paragraph that was a bit jarring to me:
'The boy with the ginger hair looked at her. He thought she was strange. He didn't understand why Thomas was gazing at her with a wistful smile on his face...'
The rest of the chapter seems to be written from the point of view of Amelia, so suddenly having George's opinions in there seems kind of odd.
Otherwise, I enjoyed it. It seems nice and lighthearted at the moment but I'm sure things will all kick off very soon.