Reviews for When It All Falls Apart
freshink2 chapter 3 . 9/29/2013
So far I am very interested in finding out how your two main characters will grow and interact, especially since Elizabeth is turning out to be quite the feisty fighter! The only advice I have for you today is solely based on grammar and structure. I know you may not have a lot of time to review the chapters you post, but I have found a lot of repetition where you will repeat a sentence over again or reuse words over and over again in three consecutive sentences. For instance:

"Dominic heard whimpering in the background and knew Lucas was just having fun with one of the few humans they kept locked up in the dungeons. He could hear panting and whimpering in the background."

You repeated "whimpering in the background" twice and this is the most mild example I've seen. As a reader it doesn't enhance my understanding of the story when the same phrase is simply repeated. I'd love to be more attached to your characters and plot line if mistakes like those could be cleared up. I am sorry if I seem a tad harsh, but that is sincerely not my intention. I really hope by saying this that it will help you progress in your writing and I do look forward to your next chapter whenever you have free time to work on it.
Aquarian Love chapter 1 . 4/7/2013
.This is a good start to another good story. Ill enjoy seeing how this materializes as the chapters unfold.
Alaeryel chapter 2 . 4/3/2013
I LOOOOOOOOOOOOVED IT AGAIN! Sarah I am still in UTTER AWE of your stories and your writing! I also like the name changes altho my mind keeps going back and saying 'wait that isn't his name' -LOL! I am really anticipating the reading of this newly rewritten version of the story! YOU ROCK IT GIRL!
Alaeryel chapter 1 . 4/3/2013
OMG Sarah-I AM DEFFINITELY looking forward to reading the NEW and IMPROVED story here! As with the original your writing in IMPECABLE AND BRILLIANT! I will be ANXIOUSLY watching for more as usual AND I hope you get over the writer's block soon also-it does suck! AMAZING JOB!
Aquarian Love chapter 2 . 4/3/2013
Nice story again. It has the characters molding into the story and descriptiveness necessary for a good story line. It has a catchy ending to encourage further reading.
RJcity chapter 1 . 6/26/2012
This sounds really good! Keep going! XD Can't wait for the next update