Reviews for Ink
The Autumn Queen chapter 8 . 7/15/2012
I like the beginning of this because it comes out really cute and sets up the rise before the fall effect quite nicely.

Yep, suicide /attempt/.

I don't particularly like the ending of this one because it's starting to fall back onto cliched patterns. Guy attacks (metaphorically speaking) girl's boyfriend. Girl stalks off. Boy drinks/goes nuts. The writing was good, but the theme itself has been rather overdone.

Well, I'm still hoping for new chapters. Hopefully, they won't be forthcoming for too much longer.

Ohana from the Review Marathon (link in profile)
The Autumn Queen chapter 7 . 7/15/2012
I like the plot-twist, because it's not the cliched abuse wail like Bear said, and the way she talked, I hadn't expected the suicide (or perhaps attempt) there either.

I also like the dialogue, because once again it shows a lot of emotion without being forced to rely predominantly on the speaker tags. I'll admit I'm kinda bad at doing that myself. :) But you've brought the emotion alive quite nicely.
The Autumn Queen chapter 6 . 7/15/2012
I like the analogy at the beginning because it serves to give an additional layer of depth into Jared's character as well as the anxiety he's feeling.

I also like how you described Bear's surrender of sorts because it comes out nicely realistic without having to use a ton of words in explaining it. It's not the cliched "okay, I'll tell you" - it has depth, and beautiful imagery too, without dragging it.
The Autumn Queen chapter 5 . 7/15/2012
I like the contrast of lighting again because it's becoming a really prominent feature of this work, nicely balancing scenes and, on a more subtle level, the relationship between Jared and Bear. It's a little touch that remains constant as everything else develops, and reminding us of the one-sidedness of Jared's current affections.

[She gives me a lopsided, halfhearted grin. "Significant other."] - I really like this sentence because it shows a bit of doubt in both of Bear's current relationships, or wistful thinking on Jared's part. It gives us another reminder of the unreliability of a narrator to give an objective view on a situation, but it also gives us hope that Jared's fantasy isn't completely impossible.
The Autumn Queen chapter 4 . 7/15/2012
I don't like the comma in the first sentence [We meet at the park the next day, at her request] because it winds up being a little jarring.

I like how you use dialogue in this chapter because it really brings out the strain and awkwardness surrounding this new and somewhat fickle relationship. Jared's wondering "why me" throughout being "wowed", and Bear (when did you mention her name btw?) hiding something behind the "perfect" persona.
The Autumn Queen chapter 3 . 7/15/2012
Right. Other end of the world. Novemberwinter. It's summer for us, so that always gets me confused for a few seconds. Not your fault though; weird timezones.

Ahem. Anyway...

[imagination—wishful thinking—something—when she speaks up again] - I don't like the addition of something here because it somewhat kills the adorably cute scene (from the perspective of a girl who thinks a guy falling heads over heals in the innocent way is cute).

I like the contrast of the first paragraph because it really sets a nice, comfortable scene. Sort of like the Christmas effect, everyone nice and comfortable in sweaters in front of a fireplace while it snows merrily outside of sorts. Gentle a soft ice-cream cone or something. Aww, now I wish it was summer so I could have ice-cream. :)
The Autumn Queen chapter 2 . 7/15/2012
I don't like the first sentence because it drags on a little too long. I would find it more attractive, ie. more interesting to read and as a better opening line, if it were shorter and more concise and therefore easier to follow.

I like the dialogue of this because it really shows both characters, Jared as an awkward boy who's falling heads over heels, and the nameless "she" who's calm and mysterious and somewhat eccentric...and sounds like trouble too, but the attractive sort of trouble for a guy...I suppose, not being a guy. :)
The Autumn Queen chapter 1 . 7/15/2012
[dank ] - do you mean dark? Dank sounds really odd in context.

I don't like the bit about the notebook because, really, it just happens too fast. You've described the spirals, then flip it open and show a picture which, to the narrator, is more important, however with the way you've written it, the reader can simply pass it by. I think you've got the wrong balance with describing that action.

I like the mystery surrounding this "her" because it makes her an attractive character, and not in a cliched way either. You've done a good job incorporating the creepiness, the precision...and the beauty all rolled into one.

Ohana from the Review Marathon (link in profile)
Tina95 chapter 8 . 9/11/2011
Hmmm... I think the drinking part at the end might push up the rating a little... Not big, maybe to K or something, just to be safe...

Oh, silly Jared. Never badmouth a girl's boyfriend if you want her to think good of you. But he's alive? I thought he had killed himself. I guess he never finished...

Great chapter! I can't wait to read the next one! And I'm sorry about the writer's block.
Arsideus chapter 8 . 9/11/2011
Oh man. Oh MAN. D: What have they gotten themselves into? I hope if your planning a confrontation between Jared and Bear's boyfriend that Jared beats the shit out of him!


That's precisely why I love this story; you make me care about the characters and I worry about Bear and feel sad for Jared and I REALLY WANNA KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT so update soon!


Natalie Field chapter 7 . 9/4/2011
I think this is very interesting. Do continue soon.

Jillyice chapter 7 . 9/3/2011
Wow... please just update this story as I really want to see how it ends. All the cliffhangers at the end of your chapters are great and just leave me hooked!

Keep it up, Jillyice
Arsideus chapter 7 . 9/3/2011
I'm sobbing right now, and that's a testement to your amazing skills of description and the intamacy of the characters. *reaches for a tissue* This story hits really close to home for me because I have a friend that's going through an abusive relationship and just sucks. You captured that never ending cycle of "They love me, I can change them, I'll give them another chance" spot on. *blows nose* It's a heartbreaking story, but I love it all the more so! :)

Tina95 chapter 7 . 8/31/2011
WHAT? That was the most unexpected thing I've read all day. But why would punching his teeth cause him to commit suicide? Was it that bad of an argument?

That's got to be worse than having an abusive boyfriend. I wonder how Jared's gonna deal with this one.
Who Is This Girl Anyway chapter 2 . 8/29/2011
Your narrator's emotions are shown clearly, and you make him relatable by giving him a self-conscious tone. You don't overdo the description, preventing the story from being too sugary and keeping his opinions from sounding overdone or whiny.

You show the girl as being likable without making her Sueish, which can be a difficult task when she's being seen through the view of someone who's in love with her and might therefore idolise her a little or gloss over her flaws. Her relaxed, confident nature is shown with very little dialogue and the reader gets a flavour of what she's like very quickly, especially since she's contrasted by the shyer, more reserved narrator, Jared.

I'm interested in seeing where this goes, and this chapter answered a question I had. Well done and keep going.


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