|Reviews for Confessions of a Crohnie|
| Inday chapter 1 . 1/15
Hello, Aurette! I hope there will be some way for you to read this. I can certainly relate to what you wrote. I'm not suffering from Crohn's disease, but I have a medical condition that I have lived with and which became apparent when I was a toddler. All my life I've lived with this condition, and I know how it feels to ask why I had to be born with this when other people I know are completely healthy and normal and seem to be doing things they've always wanted to do.
My condition, so far, has not prevented me from living my life normally or achieving things that other "normal" people have achieved. I know how it feels to be depressed, though, knowing that I have this and living every single day of my life knowing that people look at me and maybe feel pity for me or think how I'm not "normal." I've felt how this condition has held me back from doing things I wanted to do, because sometimes it affects me physically, or sometimes I just want to live without anybody asking me in front of other people what's wrong with me. It hurts sometimes that people discuss it openly to my face and in front of other people because it puts me on the spot, and I'd just wish they'd talk to me personally rather than discuss it openly in front of a big group. Maybe I still have trouble accepting that I have this condition and I'm still in denial. I don't know. What I just know is that sometimes it hurts to look at myself and know that I'm not like everybody else.
What I want to tell you is that you don't have to feel sorry for yourself or keep it from having a meaningful relationship with a guy. I've felt exactly how you felt - I didn't want to get close to guys I liked before because I didn't know if one day they will end up leaving me because of my condition. I didn't want to be rejected because even I had difficulty accepting what I had.
One day, though, I met a guy who was interested in me even before he knew my name. He was persistent and he kept trying to get to know me despite my initial lack of interest. Someone told me, "Why not? Just go for it. Give yourself a break." I did. I got over my hang-ups and decided to get to know him, too. I'm so glad I did because I've been married to him now for and we have kids. He's not perfect but he's an amazing husband and father. It's amazing, too, how he makes me feel beautiful and free and he sees me for what I am inside, not for what others see on the outside. That's why I tell myself to be strong even when sometimes I feel like giving up, like there would be nothing easier than to just give it all up. I tell myself to toughen up and do what must be done because even if this guy does so much for me and our family, he still needs me.
I know the physical sufferings from a chronic illness will surely affect you in ways that other people who live without it can barely imagine. I thank you for sharing this, for being brave enough to voice out what most people suffering from chronic illnesses and various medical conditions only bear in silence and carry alone.
I pray that in spite of what you're going through, you'd still have the courage to live your life to the fullest. I've realized that life is like a card game. It doesn't matter what cards you are dealt with, it's how you play them. That's what I believe in because it's how I've come to live my life. Somehow, through years of depression and low self-esteem, I've realized that I could live the life I want by the choices I make. This might sound trite or unsolicited, but it's the simple truth that has emerged in my life.
I've been touched not only this essay, but by your other works on this site, and I just wanted to wish you all the best and for you to one day, embrace life with joy, just as much as your fiction stories brought me joy.
| Fellow Crohnie chapter 1 . 6/17/2013
As an adult female with Crohn's, I'd just like to say amen, sister. I have so much trouble on a day-to-day basis just getting up and going to work, and I can't stand when people tell me how to deal with my disease or think I'm lazy because my chronic pain and depression keeps me in bed. As they say, life's a bitch and then you die. I do my best to get through every awful day, and try to make the most of my flare-up free days. I hope you're doing well-ish. I know that sometimes being okay is the best you can get. I wish you all the best! Thanks for sharing your life, it really helped me to know that I'm not totally alone with this (literal) crap. :)
| Nicole chapter 1 . 4/21/2013
Hey, I've read a lot of your stories in Fictionpress, and I've got to say, you're a great writer.
When I read this one, I felt like I got to know the author of some of favorite stories on this site a little more. I don't know how it feels like to have diarrhea constantly (though I know how constipation feels), and I don't think I ever will, but I know how it feels to be lonely. It sucks, a lot.
You know, I'm pretty sure God didn't give this disease to you to strengthen you. Okay, maybe it's part of the reason why you have it...Still, the reason why He put that upon you was probably to give wisdom of some sort. Maybe it's to let you understand something more, I don't know. I'm only certain that it wasn't to punish you or merely just to strengthen you.
You know what they say, God will never gove you a challenge that He knows you can't handle. And, from what I can tell, you're handling it all pretty well. I mean, twenty-plus years? Yep, you're handling this disease pretty well. Maybe your not doing so well but you're still here, right?
I hope and pray that you keep doing what you love to do. Whether it's writing or something entirely different, I hope you'll still be able to do that certain thing for MORE than fifty years from now.
Keep living your life to the full!
| Marguerite Grimmett chapter 1 . 3/16/2013
This was rather moving... you have an illness. It seems as if you're almost resigned. It's sad... You're great writer. I wish you a happy life, no matter your chronic illness.
| JDFly chapter 1 . 1/24/2013
Thank you for writing this.
| ellu chapter 1 . 6/16/2012
Well this really made me sad. I just finished your story 100 Love Letter (wich was amazing btw, I just fell in love with Amy and Nikita) and then I stunmbled upon this. It kinda reminded me of my boyfriend and of how hard it was still is for me to see him suffering. He has two fatal illnesses that are not curable. I knew it before we came to have a relationship,so though I had a picture of how emotionally draining getting close to him and having to live with the fear of losing him was, I really didn't have much of a choice. I was atracted to him the instant we met.I had never ever felt drawn to a person as much as to him, both physically and character wise. He was/is amazing.
I don't know why I am telling this, guess cause I just want to show that sometimes people fall in love with someone who doesn't fit the 'normal' bf/gf description.
I remember struggling to hold back all that pain at seeing him fade, his illness getting worse and worse each day. He was and still is so tactfull about it, never telling me when the pain and the blood vomiting started, just went to the bathroom discreetly and came back with brushed teeth and a smile on his face. True he never lied when I asked him how he really was feeling but it took a lot of time till he felt comfortable to share the pain with me. I guess it happened when he practcally moved to my place and couldn't hide it even if he wanted. He still feels uncomfortable about it, always afraid to burden me with it and while it often was so tiring and hurt me so much to see someone I love with my whole heart dying and not being able to do anything about it much less show it to him, I still would never change anything bout my decision to be with him. I remeber one month where it was really bad, I didn't sleep for a whole week because of him. He was on the brink of insanity and later on told me that had that pain gone on for another few days he didn't think he would have been able to keep going. It scared the fuck out of me, especially since he normally is such a cheerful person. I remeber holding him in my armsall those nights trying desperatly to hold back my tears and sooth his suffering while he was half delirios with pain, not even recognizing me. It is strange really cause he was always so discreet about his illness, never hiding it (except from his parents they don't know till this day) but never burdening someone with it. And so every time I saw him like that, it was such a shock, a wake up call cause in the everyday life it was entirely too easy to forget about it.
The hardest part was and still is that helplessness I felt seeing and feeling him shudder and shake in my arms and unable to do anything except hold him and curse all the doctors for not being able to find a cure for his illness. At those moments the possibility of him dying every moment, never reaching his mid twenties even, was so real and frightening, that it took all my strenh to swallow the heartbreaking pain at the thought of losing him and instead comfort him and make him forget about the pain he was in. I will be honest, it wasn't always easy, when we were out on new years with our friends and his kidneys gave out again we left to go home and I had to take care of him all the while shoothing his fears of ruining my night. He even went so far as to not tell me what he was going through until I noticed and had to drag him off home. And yes while I never will tell him it was sometimes tiring and difficult but it never stopped me loving him or caring for him.
I mean while this letter may give off that impression, our love isn't about me sacrificing anything for him. I am a artist and he is my muse, he really is and also my lover and as time passes I come to treasure him more and more. We are growing together, changing, maturing and getting wiser. When I met him he was really much ahead of 'normal' people his age, getting diagnosed with an incurable fatal illness that gives you a life expectancy of maybe 5 more years at the age of 15 and then deciding to hide that fact from your parents, well I guess those kind of things will force anyone to grow up in a matter of months. I felt so drawn to his happiness and felt such awe at his strengh to love life and embrace it live every day really as if it were his last, since with him the possibility was/is really glaringly there... I guess I was just fascinated and when we talked we just kinda clicked. Looking back now I see how much our relationship has matured and how I could never even imagine my life without him. The sparks and attraction haven't vanished, it just has formed to this much deeper trust and bond and it keeps growing and growing.
I guess I just wanted to show you that love, as cheasy as that may sound, can hit everyone and even relationships which may seem doomed from even before they really have become one can work out and be beautiful and happy. Mine has for sure much more the happy moments than sad. I hope this doesn't burden you, or drain you emotionally that was never my intention, I guess I just really felt sad that you feel so depressed and such apathy...My relationship isn't any different from others, expect that well we became much more closer in a very short span than others, since strangely the knowledge of his illness didn't scare me off but rather forced me to let go and enjoy every moment we could. Since he is such an expert at making people forget about his 'condition' (you'd never guess by looking at him) it really isn't that hard to just enjoy things. And well, he has out lived all the life span expectations the doctors had for him. But the crux of the matter is, it doesn't matter really cause he could be hit by a car tomorrow, or I could be hit by one, or he could live for another 30 years and all. We shouldn't worry about things we can't change nor can we know what the future holds for us. You can find love in the strangest places I certainly found it unexpected :)
I wish you a lot of strengh as well as support from your loved ones and hope you find that happiness and light
| redcristal chapter 1 . 1/26/2012
Our mortal man is frail and weak, but God supplies and He strengthens.
You won't be able to get through any of this by yourself, but hopefully you'll be able to believe and have faith that the Lord will carry you through.
Whatever the situation is, no matter how much one is suffering, I've found that calling on the Lord's name really does supply.
It might not be some obvious enlightened feeling, but if anything, the realest (is that a word?) thing in this entire universe is God.
When you have no one to rely on, feel like no one understands, feel like this precious life you were given is not worth living for, remember that you alone are precious in the Lord's eyes.
Though I do not know you, I hope and pray that you will be able to get through this with the Lord as your strength and rock to lean on.
God bless you, and hopefully this blurb of mine didn't offend you
| Sara chapter 1 . 9/22/2011
I'm sorry to hear you feel this way right now, but i'm sure over time it'll get better. even the worst things get better with time. I'm just a silly college kid who enjoys your stories and finds them as a decent escape from life but after reading this, well, i'm sorry if i nagged you, irritated you or anything because i hadn't even read this yet. I hope writing this has at least made you feel better and maybe you can push yourself to do something in the near future like hanging out with friends. anyway, enough of my rambling, i hope you can get back to your old self soon.
| rapturedinfinity chapter 1 . 9/19/2011
Auto-immune disorders should be shot, in my opinion. As someone with two of them (Arthritis since I was 8, and Ehlers Danlos Syndrome my entire life... I take enough drugs each day that I swear I rattle sometimes!), I know exactly where you are coming from with the "you should try X" comments, and people who either don't believe the disease exists/can be in someone that young/is as bad as it is, and the bullies. It's not even that kids can be cruel, but that adults can be cruel to kids who are different. The people who say that if I was fit I could run/jog without pain. No... if I had a normal skeleto-muscular system I could probably run/jog without pain.
Unfortunately, most healthy people won't ever understand. A lot don't even want to. Some don't have the resources. Then there are the special few who do. They have the time, wont and resources to learn about what is happening with you.
I know it's not the same as Crohn's, but I'll tell you the same thing I told a young friend of mine who also suffers from it. My aunt has had Multiple Sclerosis for the last 22 years. She has had love, children and a very strong, stable marriage for all these years. Her memory is going, she can't walk anymore and modern medicine no longer has strong enough drugs to dull the pain she is in very much. She uses electric therapy.
But the doctors told us when she was first diagnosed that we could expect maybe a couple of good years and after that not very many. We could maybe expect her to live to 40. If she was lucky. She turned 50 earlier this year and she is still at home. Still semi-mobile (if you could count 3-4 steps as mobile) and still mentally okay in many ways (you just need to act as her walking thesaurus a lot).
Us girls with these things, we're not normal and we're not healthy. that doesn't mean we don't deserve to still have everything that the normal and healthy girls do.
| Affair chapter 1 . 9/19/2011
... That's a really unique perspective, I've always kind of wondered about the mindset of someone who has to deal with all those repetitive statements, I'd get awfully moody.
Well if life just sucks as it does a lot of the time, I'm in no position to demand an update.
I don't know much about Crohn's disease admittedly, but if it isn't quite life threatening I think it's fair to give yourself a chance at love. Um... Hopefully have a positive day and I do hope I haven't offended you.
| Anonymous Friend chapter 1 . 9/15/2011
I'd like to say in advance that I'm not a writer so please forgive any spelling or grammatical errors. :)
I read your story and it made me want to talk to you. Not because I pity you or because I want to give you some unsagely advice, but more because to some extent I am you.
I'm going through a similar situation. Healthwise I'm not so good, and it sucks. It feels like the world is somehow a different place. Friends don't understand. They think your being dramatic or that you should just "get over it" (which is more frustrating than words can say). People who you thought you could count on are suddenly no longer there. Everytime you tell people that you're sick they look at you with those eyes, like they've forgotten who you are and see the disease instead (or is that all in my head?).
It sucks because you become defined by your illness which is not who you are. Things you used to enjoy are no longer enjoyable because all you're thinking about is being sick. You try to think of other things, happy things, and always end up back at the beginning. You can't help yourself (or at least I can't).
Sure other people have gone through it but it's not the same because (simply put) they're not you.
Friends and family act like you're purposefully being sad, like you don't want to be happy (which is the stupidest thing ever because what dumbass doesn't want to be happy!).
Despite all the odds this happened to you. You can't control it or change it. It's not something to be mastered or conquered. It's just there. Worse than the physical pain is the emotional.
How do you stop yourself from thinking? You can't.
I don't have the answers and I can't tell you what to do to make your life better, or even to make it go back to the way it was. Quite frankly I don't think it ever will go back to the way it was before (it just won't be as bad as it is now :) ). You just have to take it day by day and find something that works for you. Just don't lose faith.
In all honesty I don't know why i wrote this message. I guess, I'm just hoping that by knowing that someone else out there understands a little of what you're going through, then that might make you feel a little bit better.
I guess I also am looking for someone who understands, and from what I got out of your story it looked like maybe you were looking for someone too(I'm talking about a kindred spirit, not someone with who to have a relationship...just wanted to clarify).
Good luck with your life and if nothing else know that one person our there hope's you feel better. :)
| ldsprk chapter 1 . 9/11/2011
It sucks to hear you're going through this. My dad suffers from this and I remember watching him suffer because nothing the doctor gave him helped. He's just an strong person and to see him fall because of it killed me. Seeing him crumble because of something that made him so miserable. I don't understand how you feel with it but I do remember seeing how much my dad suffered from it and can only imagine how much someone at your age feels about it. I just hope that you are able to find a way to have more good days that you can remember than bad ones.
| silencedogood chapter 1 . 8/30/2011
I wish I could say something that many other people have not already said that would make you feel better. But I can't. I'm always in awe and full of admiration of people who can continue on day after day with something bleak hovering over them. And you've just proven to me again that phrase "ya makasi", what it truly means. Your stories are one of the reasons your 'fans' on FP review and relate to you, and perhaps its only through your words that we can ever know you. Your words echo what we cannot say and you've given us hope for life and love and laughter. We want to give hope to you too. So this time, we say it with plain words and silent hugs. As have many other people said already, best wishes and 'hang in there'. Our thoughts are with you. (:
Your silent fan.
| Insomiak chapter 1 . 8/22/2011
I don't know - this might just be one of those comments that irritates you... but I had a thing for a guy in high school who had crohn's. I read pages and pages about the disease, just to know what I'd be getting myself into if he liked me too.
So I wouldn't worry about 'dumping that pile of bones on some unsuspecting guy.' It didn't bother me in the least.
| gulistanlik chapter 1 . 8/19/2011
This was really insightful so thank you for posting this up. I don't know what to say, especially in light of what you've just touched on. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad, no way. Just wanted to let you know that while I know next to nothing about you, probably don't even live anywhere near your continent, I'm thinking about you and hoping like crazy that some day the situation will look up. I'm guessing you're not at culinary school at the moment? I hope that and life eventually works out for you somehow.
I have to ask though, out of curiosity, do you feel that writing helps you even the slightest bit, in terms of morale?
Take care, and hope to hear from you again some time, whether it be through a fic, message or some other form of communication.