|Reviews for The Witch's Banquet|
| oldwolf81 chapter 2 . 8/7/2012
| cerebral1 chapter 1 . 9/21/2011
Ok, FP is messing with my head. I reviewed this chapter already, but FP is saying I reviewed chapter 2! Whatever! So this review is for Act I Scene Two, okay? BTW, this is from the Roadhouse.
You have a real knack for setting an ominous and foreboding mood; I find myself reading and waiting for something to jump out at me :)
What you could work on is less exposition; I want some action to start, but there is a lot of narration. We've met the principles, now let's hear them talk at dinner, get an idea of their personalities, their vices, etc. We know Louis likes women; let's find out about the others.
I don't understand why Louis was filled with rage; mad at himself, or mad at the maid? You might want to clarify that later.
If you speed up the pace a bit, I think you'd have a really good story here. I like the eerie quality, and frankly, also the characters. Too bad Katy Belle is 13; even horror stories need a romance! :D
Looking foreward to more! (If you want to return reviews, mine is The Pirate's Bride; no horror; just romance, sex, and adventure.
| flight06 chapter 1 . 9/13/2011
Several problems in telling and some word choice issues. Good interaction between characters, and you do well with striking curiosity about why they are there, who "the sixth" is, etc.
Nothing is lacking in the scene, detail wise. Adequate background information and mystery.
Lots of telling about who people are and what their personalities are like. Too much detail at the beginning - made me a bit side-tracked. Saying "Katy Belle" a lot could be trimmed to Katy.
| cerebral1 chapter 2 . 8/31/2011
I saw your request at the roadhouse, so I thought I'd drop by and check out your story, since the title intrigued me, which is always a plus for an author. You have an interesting premise, and a great turn of phrase.I love the line "...even the chandelier...seemed to lean in..." So visually rich! Also, "shoes shined to the point of luminescence," and, "...his air was heavy in confidence..." Great showing, not telling!What I didn't like was the beginning was heavy with characters, names and descriptions; very slow going for a reader, as I found myself skimming over whole sections. I also want to know about the witch, and why they want to denounce her (which I might have skimmed over). Perhaps a flashback at the beginning, or a prologue, that shows us the witch's wickedness that makes these people wish to denounce her. That would have instant action, and be the needed hook. Or, you could begin with a flash forward to the ending, if it's a violent climax at the banquet, let's say, and then go back to this exposition and tell the story chronologically from that point on. Just thinking out loud, and I hope some of this makes sense. Good luck, and good work!