|Reviews for Darbari: A Raga Of Passion|
| storybooklove7478 chapter 1 . 9/16/2012
Great suspense techniques! I would suggest to vary your syntax a bit more diversely.
| Mercyette chapter 2 . 8/8/2012
I think it's very interesting that you decided to set your story in India. I think it adds an extra unique flare to the story, espcially considering that so many of the stories on here are based in American and European countries. It's actually one of the reasons I read in the first place.
Your first chapter was a good "gripper" chapter. You definitely know how to grab the reader's attention and keep them hooked.
It would have been nice to see a little more detail added to the story, perhaps what each of the characters look like. You've described Deborah quite nicely but I find myself wondering more about the assailants that attacked her. Espcially if they will be mentioned further in the story.
So far, nice job. Keep it up!
| iamonlyink chapter 9 . 5/2/2012
it reads well. hope you update soon.
| AliceRoyalrose chapter 2 . 3/15/2012
I like the story, it's exciting, interesting and highly original I like the tension and the thrill you implemented, My only complain on this chapter is "Her father was leaning against the wall of her room. He walked to her." the sentence "he walked to her" is grammatically incorrect, when it should've been "he walked up to her" but that is story.
| cutelittlelawyer chapter 2 . 2/18/2012
Very nicely done! Deborah intrigues me. She seems like a very forward-thinking young woman. I'm interested to know more about the relationship between Deborah and her father, as well as the relationship between her and Parvathi.
hmmm... I'm also wondering if Ernest is going to make an appearance later on. That could be trouble. ;)
| cutelittlelawyer chapter 1 . 2/18/2012
oh...very good! I like how you started right in with the action. Your descriptions of scene & setting are great, and I had no trouble imagining where and when this was taking place. You've done a good job at drawing me in. Now I'm curious about the girl, and about why Ram and Raj were sneaking to the place.
haha I liked how the girl managed to get away from Ram!
I noticed one or two spelling errors, but other than that, it's very well-written. )
I'm looking forward to reading more of this.
| Lynn K. Hollander chapter 1 . 9/6/2011
Your skills are pretty good, the setting of the story is interesting. It's hard to get an idea of the characters in so short a sample.
Three comments on style: the ivory –made jewellery box. If this is a 'jewelry box made of ivory' the more usual phrase is 'the ivory jewelry box'.
Ram felt a pale hand on his left shoulder. 'felt' is in what language analysts term a 'sensory mode', specifically the 'tactile mode'. The basic tactile sense is what you can pick up in your hand, what is tangible. The bed felt hard, Ram picked up a rough rock, and so forth.
'pale' is in the visual mode. You see a pale horse, a pale hand, and so forth. It's usual to keep your sensory modes straight and separate. You cannot feel a pale hand. You feel a hand, pale or purple, either with your body or with your own hand; paleness you have to see. Ram felt a hard hand on his shoulder or soft or small or whatever.
It accentuated the finesse of her features. English is NOT completely logical. 'finesse' is not a synonym of 'finely-drawn'. 'Finely drawn' and 'delicate' are approximate synonyms. 'Finesse' and 'skill' mean about the same. It accentuated the delicacy of her features. She avoided his sword with finesse.
Down at the end you have a editing glitch. The last four lines are:
'You should have done that on the first place.' Someone growled
'Raj… is that you?' Ram called out.
'' Someone growled
'Raj… is that you?' Ram called out. and it needs to be cleaned up.