|Reviews for birthday girl|
| the way you look at me chapter 1 . 9/16/2011
There are a couple of typos here, but nothing that detracts from the piece. I found this laced with relate-able imagery - nice job.
| in theory chapter 1 . 8/30/2011
I would prefer that this begin with a capital letter. My own adherence to grammar aside, I think it would work best here, introducing this odd piece of prosetry with a stronger finality (unsure if that word applies to a beginning. hmm)
Fly-fly-flying annoyed me, I cannot think of a single moment I've ever thought of that expression to describe a moment that happened to me. It comes across as a speech impediment. Also, this sentence needs a period or a semicolon to enable to following to make sense. As it is, it creates multiple fragments.
an I've got a secret way - this metaphor really needs quotation marks. "I've got a secret" is used here as a kind of direct thought; left unpunctuated it could become confusing.
"She asks for vodka with her breasts" is a great metaphor, and winks-worth is fun too. Coca-Cola as a trademark is hyphenated (and capitalised), which would indeed mirror nicely the winks-worth at the beginning of this line anyway.
Following sentence needs capitalisation, to distinguish it. My brain rammed into it. I really don't understand the fascination with abandoning capitals. Nothing wrong with it, but it overcomplicates things far more than it "informalises" things.
She tells all ... disco lights. This whole section is packed with very familiar imagery. I don't think clichés are automatically evil, but too many too close together, and they have a cascading effect.
Thanks for your review,