|Reviews for The Only Time|
| The Quotidian Life chapter 1 . 10/6/2012
Wow. This is really the story to read it you want the jawdrop experience. It's wrong in so many way, but the way you've written it makes the read so very seamless and perfect.
Personally, Im not a huge fan of bolding, I prefer italics, but that's just me.
I love your diction choice and metaphors. I really am lost for words on how to critque this. You've written it in such a way that is so captivating, yet it is very sophisticated.
| the-lovely-anomaly chapter 1 . 6/16/2012
After the embarrassing mistake I made reviewing "Vore," I felt like I owed you another. Plus, I read this story's summary and, well, it called to me. So here goes...
Again, you wow me with your use of words. Everything is described perfectly. Your characters are real people - complex and alive. You write sexual content without making it sound corny or pornographic (which is more than I can say for a lot of people, including well-known authors). And most of all, you manage to capture a vicious moment in a way that is believable and, I dare say, poignant. If I were wearing a hat, it would be off to you right now.
I'm not 100% sure about the bolded text. I have nothing against drawing attention to certain words, but I don't feel you needed to do that here. "Alive," for instance, doesn't need to be bolded for it to pierce your readers. Neither does "death" or "go." These words already contain power, so there's really no need to show them off.
But that's just an opinion. This story is great as is.
| this wild abyss chapter 1 . 2/6/2012
For myself, I wasn't a big fan of the bolded text. It comes across a bit tacky, and while I understand that you wanted to set those words apart from the rest of the text, I feel like italics work better without jarring the reader's eyes.
I liked this narrator's voice. It's strong and commanding and completely believable, and I think that made the subject matter palatable. (In a way.)
| DutchAver chapter 1 . 2/1/2012
This one wasn't as disgusting as your previous one-shot, but it wasn't exactly overly happy either - this is about an abusive relationship? He has sex with her and wounds her along the way? I briefly thought this was rape, but it seems to be even worse than that. Maybe she's his sex slave of some kind - either way, it's repulsive.
I also thought he'd kill her at the end, but he doesn't - I wonder why that girl is the only one to be able to satisfy the guy's appetite. That guy is, by the way, the most egoistic character I've ever read about.
But your writing still shines, and is as good as it was in Vore :) I'm impressed!
(Could you review the second chapter of I Never in return, please? Thanks in advance)
| Corinna Tate chapter 1 . 12/22/2011
I saw you on the forums and decided to check out your work. Then I had to check out your reviews to make sure I wasn't the only one who saw what I saw!
It's been a couple days, and I guess I needed that much time to let this offering steep. My first impulse is to review the story itself, but that would be a fail on my part. This is all about the writing.
I've been called sick and twisted due to my writing, but next to you, I'm an amateur. I say that with the highest of praise. In writing I've discovered it's not about what you would actually do, nor what you've actually seen. It's about letting your mind, and your imagination take you down those deep deep holes, and keeping your eyes wide open to see the sights.
Not only do you go there, but you've got the visceral skill and raw talent to put it down and share it. I'm envious. This is "show don't tell" at it's finest.
My first impression is that this reads like poetry. Screw grammar and punctuation, they just wouldn't make sense to this story. I'm afraid you almost went too far with the poetic imagery. One of your reviewers thought he killed himself at the end. It's perfectly clear on a second reading, but the first time left me wondering about the cliff myself.
There are so many images in here, it's almost sensory overload. But they're all so freaking good!
Your other reviewers have done a much better job than I have. I'm at a point where I want to psychoanalyze your character, and that's counterproductive.
Nice job. I'll try to work up the nerve to read some of your other offerings. But you've got something I shy away from: the kind of writing that sneaks into my brain and tries to worm it's way into my own stories. Tight wet tunnels, and Chinese finger traps are just too good!
| Nesasio chapter 1 . 12/18/2011
Return review! Thanks for giving Bay a look-see. :)
...at the end of the your tight, wet tunnel.
-Wasn't sure if the 'the your' was deliberate or a typo so I'll just point it out here.
Poor choice of words, because all I hear is: Don't stop.
- Well, this is awkward. 'Cause that's what I read too. D: I hope this doesn't make me a creeper.
...and I revel in our friction.
-Word choice. Normally I wouldn't point this out, since I like the relative rarity of the word 'revel', but since you already used it a couple paragraphs up it felt a little less interesting. Personal preference, of course.
Nice! So this was for the prompt I submitted for WCC, very cool. I'm not sure why I never reviewed it before. I know I read it. o.o Anyway!
I like how grounded and fairly matter-of-fact this is. I mean, sure, the events depicted aren't exactly a picnic, but the narrator stays realistic. He's not overly theatrical with what he's doing, he's simply relating stuff/thoughts as they happen, embracing what he thinks is a wonderful time. Other people's/your morals don't creep in so it stays consistent to the voice, which very few people could pull off. I've found it's often hard for some writers to maintain the proper disconnect to write such a (presumably) foreign point of view so I'm impressed. :) I'm glad you didn't hold anything back because that might have cheapened the effect. Your other reviews show you definitely shocked people and if that was your intent, then solidly achieved!
I was a little confused toward the end when the narration turns from poetic realism to a sort of fantasy in the narrator's head. The paragraph 'I'm standing on a familiar cliff...' is a nice extended metaphor, but stylistically it was a big difference from the physical description and the occasional colorful comparison that occurs before and after that one paragraph. I was so used to the grounded descriptions up to that point that I wasn't sure what to make of that at first because there's so little warning.
Other than that, though, this was really well done. Solid writing, great characterization, and easy to visualize. Belated congrats on winning!
| M.R. Hill chapter 1 . 12/3/2011
Greetings from the Roadhouse! Been meaning to check out one of your works for a while now so I think I'll start here.
- First, do love the way you use bold words, italicize, etc. to enhance the reading experience, mood, etc. Combined with the first person voice, it's just amazingly well done. You slip into capture the atmosphere so well.
- I have to say, this was easily fucked up in so many ways. I'll give you some major props as being willing to write such things. I have to say, you're one of the few people I can say truly write dark things and I take it serious. Reading this made me cringe the entire way through. I felt bad for them big time whole way through, my emotions tugged on all the way through. I'm attempting to give your works a try, though I'll admit this one wasn't all my style despite being magnificently written. Still, I'm one who fully believes in giving things a try most of the time so I'll be sticking around for your works. In any case, well done!
| Dan Gregory chapter 1 . 11/28/2011
My God, this story left me breathless. You were able to make me feel the pain of the victim - how it feels to be ravaged, to be violated without any restriction, without any pity, without any humanity... Wow. I cringe a lot when I read about how the main character cuts and fucks his victim really brutally - the depiction is so realistic it's astounding! His personality and his unbalanced thoughts were perfectly conveyed. He's mad, alright, but that's what makes him one heck of an interesting character. Forgive me for saying this, but despite this, I feel satisfied when he dies in the end - that was a perfect ending to the story.
| jinx1764 chapter 1 . 11/21/2011
Okaaaaaayyyy... how fucked up is this fic?
I'd say seriously fucked up. I can definitely feel the NIN influences in here even without the author's notes at the end and the beginning quote. Which I liked as an opening. Major NIN fan here. Have all his albums, even his clean and sober ones are still better than most other crap these days. Though not as hard driving as his earlier, drug days. Ah well, at least he's healthy, right?
Anyhow... The opening pulled me right in since it's obvious that this character's way of feeling alive is NOT morally or legally acceptable by the next line [devil on my shoulder] What the hell is he up to? Oh well the next sentence tell us doesn't it. No secrets here. That was good, direct. Sometimes less mystery is more. Give the explanation up front and delve into the sensory experience.
Speaking of ... loads of sensual, twisted details dragging us down and through his ritual rape/murder scenario.
Though I kind of cringed a bit with the cliched [Don't! Stop!] reference. One on hand I think you handled it nicely, as well as any cliche can be. But it made me think of all the old jokes containing it rather than focusing on your story. Maybe that's more my peeve then anything else, but I really make an effort to steer clear of any cliched saying, jokes, references unless there are in character dialogue. I really think it pulls a reader out of a story and into the story famous for the cliche. But that's me.
I really felt a sense of what a male murder/rapist might feel. I think you did a superb job with sensory details. Especially since there's virtually no dialogue between the characters and the victim is nameless/faceless.
Grammar - perfection as useless. I rarely find anything but an occasional typo or such in your work.
I enjoyed this twisted story. It was the perfect length and I liked how you brought his insanity back to normalcy by implying we all want to escape. Which is true but who of else rapes and murders? I guess he just wants to feel something like the rest of us. Awesome!
| all the lonely people chapter 1 . 11/13/2011
wow is really all i can say. i was hooked from the very beginning. it's dark, hot and mysterious. basically, all i have to say is very well done. it was easy to picture, it was very romantic in a way, and it was definitely worth reading.
| disrhythmic chapter 1 . 11/7/2011
Oh jeez. I -adore- the rhythm of this... the repetition ('You're asking for redemption, for release, for someone to purify your rotten soul...') is a very nice touch-plays into the whole... well, sexual aspect of this. :) Same for the strings of questions.
And, of course, I'm a sucker for the gore-and you write it spectacularly. Great description without being overdone. :)
The ending was nice, as well. Different. I never would have thought of the escapism angle. :)
Fantastic all 'round.
| S.R. Revel chapter 1 . 11/5/2011
Well well, while doing my first attempt at this, I have stumbled upon something titillating. Over share? I think we are past that now.
Opening- You had me at “tight wet tunnel”, is that weird? I love the bold text. I am ALIVE at reading this. You tickle the reader to read on... but wait...
Writing- I love how you used a metaphor about a dog rolling on a decomposing dead thing for a chick enjoying sex. Only you! And the alliteration, “revel”, “roll”, “relish”. It’s like you put the motions of the deeds in words, like a beat. Kind of poetic. Very lyrical.
You even rhymed, “power to devour”! This whole things flows like sex.
“you'd bite your fucking tongue as quick as you'd shut your whore legs if you saw them” – I love how you can say this one minute but through it all, its not degrading or is an awkward moment, it just melts into the rest of it like a dirt sexy grill cheese sandwich. :P
“You're a Chinese Finger-trap”—what every girl loves to hear.
“Of course, it isn't until you see the first gleam of my knife that you stop moving.” Oh no! It’s a twist, yes!
Now we get into you even more twisted creative side. It’s amazing how you went from Marvin Gaye to Ted Bundy. It was a excellent transition from turning the reader on to off. Unless knives are their thing, whatev floats ya boat!
You paint the scene colourfully. Knife drawn, entirely helpless, usual cliché girl calling man pervert, but you know she likes it. LOL.
“I trace down your gut, tasting, licking, exploring, and drinking.” – perfect example of you being lyrical. Guurrrrrl you got groove, mmhmm.
I found a bunch of other rhymes I’m going to keep to myself. Just for me! Your timing I swear is effortless. Its like this entire story had a beat, to the fucking and the stabbing.
Ending- “And, in the end, isn't escaping reality what we all wish we could do?”—perfect end line, like its a bow, ‘Ya I fucked her and killed her, thank you. You’ve been a great audience.’ In the beginning it was two people just getting it on, then it was like the scene got black and you could see it is now a threesome, because some devil of this shoulder has a finger in this guys ass and is licking his ear. Perfect closure.
I just want to comment how I can see that you pour every part of you into your work. With Kristoph I’m getting the humorous twisted side of you. With this I definitely got your raw sexuality and darkside. And it is brave of you on so many levels for just letting it all out there. You are a truly brave writer, something you should be proud of.
Might I say, don’t change a thing and start harassing some bigwigs, the literary world needs you to rock the boat.
| xRayne wolfx chapter 1 . 10/28/2011
Let me just say this, you got a twisted mind, I love it. This was awesome to read :) We need more graphic stories similar to your work. I really loved the fact this was in first person.. Brillant job, I'm now a growing fan of yours. Keep up the good work.
| Kael chapter 1 . 10/20/2011
While this story in particular is my favorite, I do remember reading somewhere (perhaps an A/N on another story?) that you were just trying out writing in First Person. I would like to say that I think you excel more at the First Person POV, then the others. It is quite a gift you have, slipping into the character and drawing in the reader, until we are the character, feeling and needing what they need. Wondering, when it’s all over, why we have an emptiness inside. Quite brilliant, really.
I’m looking forward to more writing, and to updates. And while I don’t get to review often(and for that I’d like to blame FP for not loading, and time constraints), I am reading!
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu chapter 1 . 10/14/2011
Heya there. Dude I think this one will be my only review for the night because i really need to crash and sleep now. x.x Anyway, it seems that you're pretty much the type who tend to write stuff that no conventional writer will do. i.e. Stories that delve into the insanity of the human mind beyond redemption (or maybe not if I am to include The Angel Kristoph into the fray.). I think I might have said this before, but when it comes to that one thing called self-righteousness, perhaps we all are truly insane. At least I'll have to say that the truly sane few are the ones who know the difference between condemning an act and condemning a fellow human being based on that very act without admitting that we all could and would have gone on the same road under the other party's situation.
Okay enough of the pointless rhetoric. I admit that this is a big ass digression due to the deep impression your unique take on writing can left on me. Anyway, I'll have to say that unlike the other two I've reviewed previously i.e. Vore and The Angel Kristoph, this is actually one work which is outright batshit crazy in nature because for the former two, the victims are no angels themselves having led the kind of lives that the protagonists would have ended up in terms of eternal condemnation. On this end, I'm not too sure on the possible subtle ends because given the very stoned out nature of the narration, it might be a case of consensual sex intended to be a murder as the end or just a straight out rape-cum-murder.
And on the stoned out nature mentioned here, I won't say that this is an outright case of spiritual corruption like what I've seen in TAK and much more subtly, Vore. In fact I would more likely identify this with a possible scenario of mental dysfunction of a delusional nature caused by a major trauma. This is pretty much evident on the devil whispering within the narrator's POV in conjunction with the entire transition sequence especially starting from midway or so being totally chaotic. It's like either we're seeing a case of the person in question under the influence of drugs (since nobody can think coherently under a intoxicated state, any professed stance that the individual was pretty clear of such effects would be laughable at the best, outright stupid at worst.) or he's truly outright crazy.
In fact the very end of this one shot would be the very best evidence of the possible two way swing between either a straight out drug trip or outright insanity. Simply put, it's that one thing called reality. When we use the term escaping reality, there's only two ways to do it. Either it's drug abuse or somehow or another, forcing one's own sense of denial beyond the acceptable end. Read: Total denial and not that of selective nature if you get what I mean.
-From the RH
P.S: Nearly forgot to add this. Is the victim in question a Chinese? I can't be very sure since that motherfucker was quite obviously tripped out hundred percent during the entire process at the very least. Feels pretty much surreal given that I'm actually a local Chinese guy having a crush on a local Chinese gal in my workplace. -.-'