|Reviews for The Crystal Axe|
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 1 . 12/13/2011
I think you have an interesting concept here, however I do think you need to clean up some of this; at the moment, parts are just a little confusing to follow and read a bit oddly. I don't know if the line [Being the excited boy I was] works; it feels just a little off. Would a boy know he's an excited boy? Also, you may want to look into the idea of ages during that time period; not sure when it was, but in some time periods, 'children' were counted as adults a lot earlier. You may want to consider that when writing this; he may not act like a boy nowadays would, really. [Just wait Henry," William] should have a comma after 'wait'. Also, I would suggest sticking with 'Father', rather than switching between his name and 'my father/father', as it sounds odd for a young boy to refer to his father as 'William'. Some of the fight scene was a little confusing, but I think that's mainly down to presentation, as another reviewer pointed out. I also feel that at the end, in the last paragraph in the first person, you overuse 'Crystal Axe', and 'The Axe Made out of Crystal' seems too much llke you're trying to get away from that repetitiveness. Just call it 'the axe', maybe. I thinkthe switch to third person could work, however you do switch into first partway through. [everyone had a frenzy, ] sounds odd, too. Also, numbers (9, 10, etc.) should be written out as nine, ten, etc. Good luck with the rest!
| crusaders chapter 1 . 11/23/2011
I am writing this as I go along, so, you know, bare with me.
First of all, I love all historical fiction and thrillers. Those are the type that I think are the best. That being said, the fact that you kind of mixed the two is great.
You right away have created a scene where we can only assume that William and Henry have a good relationship, and we can see that from the way William reacted. You did well with that whether you were planning on having someone point that our or not.
What could someone do with an axe that is made of crystal? That is what I am wondering all through the time they were inside of the cave and outside and when they drop it and everything. By the end my head is full of wonder. What are they going to do with this thing?
I like that you switched the third person—I think that gives a real edge to it.
All and all this is really great and I love how you added that part where he thinks that it will “always stay under the royal family.” Real foreshadowing.
| Kobra Kid chapter 1 . 11/3/2011
You really are creative! I like the idea of this story of the Crystal Axe. I can imagine the weapon in my head right now. But, I do have a few suggestions to help you out! Don't take these to heart. I just want your story to shine even more.
First, I would take out most of the 'Henry's and 'father's you put into the dialogue in the first scene. After the small introduction of the father and son, the readers realize that there are no other characters with them. Also, it seems sort of unnatural for either of them to keep on repeating the other's name over and over again when its only the two of them and the falcon in the cave.
Secondly, I would add a little more description. I'm a huge freak over character, setting and just general vivid descriptions in stories, since I really want the readers to get a firm grasp on the landscape, protagonists and such. You already have a pretty good grasp on that, but just extend those thoughts a little and I think the descriptions will even be better!
Lastly, there are some unnecessary and unnatural words you use in the first paragraphs, such as "Occasionally frightened swarms of bats". I think it would sound better if you removed the 'occasionally'. What I do to help me out is read the chapter out loud after I'm finished it. That way, I know what sounds the best.
Besides those things, this was excellent! I'm so glad to be reading your writing once again, NVR! I missed it. You really do have quite an imagination with great characters and intriguing plot-lines. Just a few tweaks here and there, and it will be even greater!
- Kobra Kid
P.S. I updated RFTA a little while ago. I'd love to hear your thoughts about it! :) Thank you!
| Angel Ella chapter 1 . 9/9/2011
I am so glad that you posted another story! And so far this one is probably my favorite 3
As for your requests...
1. I like the setting. And how the language matches! Your vocabulary really adds to it! I loved the word choices!
2. To me, the battle definately sounds battle-like
3. You made the 1st to 3rd person work... It gave this chapter... character I guess. You don't usually see that, but it really did flow well this way.
4. I think that you are good for information :D
PLEASE POST MORE SOON! I am so excited to find out more...
| Carson Numetzky chapter 1 . 9/6/2011
First of all don't take anything too critically, the story is good but I will tell you what I think.
The setting is described very well both mysterious and detailed, well done. Just one thing, I am not sure that they would have used the word seismic in the 12th century.
The battle was kind of hard to follow at times but you could still get a sense of what is happening. And if the bird was a regular falcon then it may have been way to strong, but you are not sure if it is normal or not. So that could be part of your plan.
The Switch from 1st to 3rd was kinda of hard to follow and didn't really work in the situation.
Besides these small things the story was very well done and I will be reading more.
| Jakuho Raikoben chapter 1 . 9/5/2011
To me, the setting was excellent, everything was described as if I could picture it in my head.
It doesn't seem like a battle at first. It seemed like insticnt that the falcon wanted to get the axe.
The switch between 1st and 3rd person was odd but it worked out in the end.
In the end, I really enjoyed this story.
| M.R. Hill chapter 1 . 9/5/2011
Greetings there! I did promise to add back in here so here we go...
- The setting I felt was vividly described and while I'll come to a later point, I could picture it well enough.
- Your grammar and punctuation usage is off in plenty of places. It's not a big deal seeing as this is just beginning of things for you and you've yet to refine this, but you've plenty of places needing cleaning up. An example early on would be with "It was suppose to be to wrong place." If you'd like, contact me on through PM and we can arrange a set-up where I can assist you in cleaning some of it up in your story.
- I personally feel the switch feels a bit odd. If you wish to go with it, that's your call, but I personally believe it be better for you to stay consistent with the point of view style using. Limited third person is what I'd suggest you write in.
- The set-up so far doesn't seem bad at all or all going on there for prologue. I will admit I'm far more interested in the crime and mystery part of story, though I know how getting this out of way is essential.
- Dialogue could use some work. I can see what tone and style you're aiming for, but something about it just feels inorganic. The way it reflects character is not bad, but the way you present it could use some work. An early example that can use some change is "Look father," I cried to "Look father!" as well.
- Battle was not all that bad really. The approach and concepts your using are not bad at all, it's your presentation that really throws it off.
All and all, I think right now you have a nice set-up here so far, but it's main drawback is it seems like a rough draft compared to what it can become.
| Vernelley chapter 1 . 9/2/2011
Hey, been a while since I've heard from you.
1. You do have some nice imagery here, and I think it's fine as it is, however if you feel it's lacking you could always go back to add more.
2. Doesn't really come off as a battle to me; more like a counterattack or very aggressive self-defence. You could consider touching more on the psychological reactions to the attack, if you like, or else just reword some of the action according to the pace you're aiming for.
3. I think switching the narrative does work well in this case. It's made clear that the setting has changed and I think the switch from first to third person also helps to illustrate that.
4. This will probably be answered later on, but why is the falcon particularly protective of the axe, and what kind of value does the axe itself hold (as in why is it one of hte most prized items in the world)?
One other thing I would comment on is probably your dialogue. Punctuation could use a bit of work since it affects the tone and often consequently the meaning. It also helps it to sound more fluent and natural.
Overall, it's off to a good start.