|Reviews for Adrift|
| Finwe chapter 1 . 9/6/2011
I really like this poem! If I could offer a few suggestions, just to streamline the flow a bit? You're free to do with them as you like. )
You might change "ever" to "e'er", or perhaps to "a-lapping" (though I don't personally like that one as much...), simply because losing the syllable near the end seems to match your rhythm better; also, on the 9th line, you could take "and" off the beginning, and I think it'd sound better to take the "so" out of the last line. The second to last line sounds a little full, but I cannot think of any way to change it, and despite its wordiness, I rather like it. ) Now, this is just me. Everyone reads things differently. It's just that sometimes I think some of my lines sound awkward, and I hope people will point out ways I can improve. If they sound fine to you, by all means, leave them! (Revel in the freedom poetry provides! ;))
And, like I said, I like it a lot. You did a great job with the prompt, and I love the feeling it leaves, of being out in the middle of nowhere, with nothing but endless blue surrounding you. I particularly liked these lines:
"...with stars blurred in water
that they do not swim in,
and white caps ever-lapping
at their tide-pulling friend..."
I thought the choice of words and imagery was particularly unique.