|Reviews for The Face of War|
| Narq chapter 1 . 9/9/2011
I like this story - it's simple, the words are easy to understand and the story itself talks of deep themes - It makes ppl appreciate humanity and i like how it was sombre and gripping at the same time.
| Dragon made me do it chapter 1 . 9/8/2011
I really enjoyed the opening. Your description of the bow and arrow being raised up the legs of the deer was quite evocative.
I like the scene you have chosen for this story, it is unfamiliar and yet is still able to teach us something about the nature of humanity, and about the nature of war.
I struggled, though, to get into the heads of the character's and sympathise with them, I feel like an outsider in this world, and as such it didn't mean as much when they died. It would help to develop a deeper understanding of the characters' motivations and relationships.
In some places, you have quite beautifully evocative language, for example:
'the endless singing of his comrades' bowstrings to send black arrows like a thousand buzzing insects'
This is really fantastic!
however, many of your sentences are too long which interrupts the flow of the story, for example:
'Even now that his eyesight has begun to fade and the cleanness of the smooth, quick shot of his bow is going, he prefers, these nights, to sleep out here in the open forest places beneath the stars, going back to the clean, simple time in those true golden years before a man far away decided he wanted his father's land.'
On occasion by the time I got to the end of a sentence, I had forgotten what the start of the sentence was about and lost the thread of the story. It is too much information to process in one chunk. it would really help if you could break these up :-)
Just a few other minor points on wording:
'eating on the fine clinking silver those uncaring clerks had paid' - usually we say 'eating off of the', and do you mean that the actual plates are made of silver, or just the cutlery? also, 'those uncaring clerks had paid' - do you mean 'that those uncaring clerks had paid for'?
'thirty still remain ever since the house was built' - change to something like 'thirty still remain from when the house was originally built' ('remain since' doesn't quite work)
'protests hard then but it cannot control the memory' - I'm not sure what you meant here, is that supposed to be 'protests hard but it cannot control the memory'? It is a bit unclear
'up the leg an into' - change 'an' to 'and'
overall, a good effort. Well done on your first entry into the WCC :-) I wish you the best of luck.