Reviews for I'm In Love With My Stepbrother's Best Friend
SS Felton chapter 2 . 8/21/2012
Okay, this chapter was better. I liked the opening with Demi and Mason in the hospital cafeteria. Demetri's still... well, it's your story. I like Mason. Cool.
SS Felton chapter 1 . 8/21/2012
Hi again, I read this chapter and again, I think that you go too fast in details. You have improved though and that is what is important. However, while you go too fast with details, there aren't -enough- details (if that makes any sense). I guess what I mean is that events happen too fast and are glossed over.

For example, when Demi knocked over Demetri, all you wrote was "...hit something as I reversed...It was Demetri and he was in a lot of pain." Then he was grasping his leg, then they were at the hospital, then Demi was carrying him in and screaming for help. Too many things going on in the space of a few lines. If you would take my advice, perhaps when she had hit Demetri, you could have described her shock at the trouble she was going to be in if she killed anybody. Then she would have seen Demetri - and you could describe blood on his leg or something - that maybe the tire rolled over his leg. Then she's have sped to the hospital - struggled to get his body out of the car and into the hospital... etc.

Also, Justin's body - one minute Demi was over his body, the next she's hit Demitri and told him that Justin was at the hospital. There was no transition. Maybe she should have panicked over the body and been comforted for two seconds by a paramedic? And the characters come and go too fast for any solid kind of grasp on their characterization. What are they thinking? feeling?

And Demetri is a douche! - Good work there. You made him someone the reader would hate right off the bat. I hope that's what you were going for because I like stories with 'villains'.

And as I'm giving you so much criticism, I just want to tell you that I've got a degree in Lit, and I've been in a writing class taught by the most demanding dragon lady ever. But i appreciated her because she was so critical that her students always became the best writers. Also, some fan fiction sites I've submitted to in the past rejected my work until it was up to their (high) standards. Thankfully, I learnt from them and am posting quite happily. So please don't think I'm kind of an idiot to criticize you. I wouldn't be the writer I am today without criticism so I appreciate every bit of it, and hope you do to.

Happy writing!
Penguin Shadows chapter 57 . 4/19/2012
AHH! I loved both stories! MORE PLEASE! :)
Avril555 chapter 57 . 12/23/2011
WHAT? YOU END IT HERE?
The script chapter 57 . 12/10/2011
Omg. This is such a cool story .normally I don't rewiew but I love dis story cn u plse cntnu writing
The script chapter 57 . 12/10/2011
Omg. This is such a cool story .normally I don't rewiew but I love dis story cn u plse cntnu writing