|Reviews for Nil|
| mountainman91 chapter 1 . 4/26/2012
Adding this to favorites RIGHT NOW. Very well done. Erudite prose. I feel as though I know the character who narrates the thing. Just...yeah. Keep it up!
| jenxrawr chapter 5 . 2/13/2012
I like the first paragraph, it's a nice little insight into Daniel's mind. I would suggest a more delicate approach to handling his guilt and the appearance of another death.
First few paragraphs: please be mindful of r/o.
5th paragraph: It would be interesting so see how he attacks this questioning array of words, does he use a logical or emotional approach when searching this stuff on 'google'? Maybe go into a little detail on what he finds versus mulling over what he doesn't understand. Try to make strings appear and connections for the future to play off of, if you know what I mean.
I like the dialogue a lot more between Laura and Daniel in this chapter. Occasionally you could go off on some background information or chara development after either Laura or Daniel said something but overall the dialogue is a lot stronger. (: Props to you, dear.
Comment: "Me? Strong?" I shook my head. "Nah. I'm just as upset as you are, Laura. I'm scared too." I sighed heavily. "What happened... it's a scary thing. It's okay to be scared." I gave her my best encouraging smile. "But you can't live in the past all the time. It's okay to be sad, but you have to move forward eventually."
Try not to break it up so much. Maybe add snips of Laura saying something or take out the "i shook my head" ... "i gave her my best encouraging smile"... etc, it just gets a little tedious.
The dialogue between Cody and Daniel is near perfect, try to maybe give a little more detail. I mean Cody JUST got shot at he deserves a little more of a melodramatic story then approx 250 words.
| jenxrawr chapter 4 . 1/27/2012
The first chunk of the chapter starts with all one lines. You have details but not enough.
Immediately, the entire class leapt to it's feet, startled into sudden action by the scream.
The girl, Michelle Tennenbaum, was sitting rigid in her seat. Her [vivid blue eyes were wide like an electric shock ]and I could see the abject horror in them.[ Her delicate, long fingers that were known in this school for the skill they had with the piano were shaking] and pointed in one direction; the window.
~~Just adding little detail that gives every character their shining moment and defines them as a person enhances how we see Daniel. This is all through Daniel's eyes and when you add little bits here and there that give every scenery that pop of color or character that little quirk can only do wonders for you in the long run.
You kind of head in that direction with the little bit on Tim Vanyard but again, give your characters their shinning moment. Vanyard just died and Daniel's reminiscing on their past friendship. Unless the end of their friendship has something to do with the secret to this plot, then give in to a little history on what happened.
~~Or something like that. This is a really tragic event and you have to handle this situation with a tenderness that Daniel deserves.
Note: "Most of the people had no idea what was going on. It was easy to see; most of the students were grouped up with their friends, gossiping, laughing. It was also easy to tell which of us had seen it. Every so often, I'd catch of a glimpse of a pale white face, a pair of eyes filled with tears, an oddly blank expression."
~~I'm not really feeling this sentence. Try playing around with it.
Also, I really like Laura in this chapter. The way you write about her is just...I'm not sure how to describe it. But I just like it, so props to you man.
Cody: Is seeming to become a more important character as I continue reading. Consider going back to the first chapter where and consider a different approach to his introduction with the knowledge that he is a key character.
The plot thickens, hmmm. I'm so intrigued.
PS been a while since I've heard from yaah.
| jenxrawr chapter 3 . 1/23/2012
[1st glance] Just scrolling through I can already see that you have a lot of short sentences (one line paragraphs) and the longest paragraph you have is 3 lines.
[Knife thing character] You created and established a strong foundation for the character development of Laura and Daniel. Now you need to commit to them. Honestly, the exchange between the siblings during this bizarre occurrence is really out of character [OOC, if you will]. If Daniel is in denial then he's in denial, not 'oh this is strange, well guess it's nothing really. I mean it's just a knife infused in the counter... no biggie'. And as for Laura I think she's too feisty to just agree with Daniel writing this off. Maybe you can play around with the dynamics of their very different personalities and the affect they have on each other.
(Observation: It seems Daniel is more trying to convince himself that everything is normal. )
Pace, now you're moving a lot faster but still lacking on the detail. Consider the transition between Daniel pondering the knife ordeal and then the foreshadowing of this new character: Jonathan Kincaid.
Looking back on it, a lot of weird stuff had been going on in the last few days. But everything before the knife had a possible explanation. This, though… This was something legitimately strange, something that I had no explanation for. What did it mean? [Is that all that goes through his mind when thinking over all this really weird stuff. Is he in denial? Is he just ignoring it? By giving your reader detail into the thoughts, reasoning, and actions of your character not only are you setting the stage for character growth (or decline) but you are also allowing the reader to ponder with the character]
The next few days were relatively quiet. I went to school, I slogged through class, I played video games. I lived.
Three days after the incident with the knife, it began. I didn't know it at the time, but the arrival of Jonathan Kincaid marked the beginning of the end.
[Foreshadowing, but now a more apparent form of it. See if there's a way for you to take this three rather short sentences and spin them together into one paragraph.]
Why is it so surprising to have new students? Is this a small town? See, I didn't even know what kind of surroundings the characters existed in.
[Somewhere in Laura/Daniel dialogue about conspiracy theories]
"What[?] [You mean] your weird friend? Nah, I haven't talked to him in forever. But I'm serious! Why aren't you taking this seriously?"
You have a lot of ideas going on, a lot of good ideas but try to write with a little more care. Expand on ideas that you have instead of giving them one sentence explanations.
Example: When it came to getting the dirt on somebody, Cody was the best. [I remember] when one of the teachers had been threatening students [with what? how? specific students or a random group of them Cody included?] Cody had broken into the guy's house and found evidence that he was involved in some… less than legal activities [that being...or is it a mystery], and got him out of the school. He'd discovered dozens of things about students that they'd prefer not to be known. Finding secrets was like his hobby.
This is a really interesting trait of Cody's and all I get is a three sentence story on why Daniel has come to the conclusion?
[After thoughts] You're throwing a lot of questions at me and not very many answers. I understand the wanted mystery but be mindful of how much you hint and how much you actually reveal. I think the biggest thing this chapter needs is exposition.
[Cliff hanger] I'm not sure if I like the double cliff that you gave me. The two sentences just kind of hang there as opposed to settling into my mind making me wanting more.
| jenxrawr chapter 2 . 1/22/2012
3rd para: "It was a Monday, the week my game of laser tag with Laura."
Perhaps, the week I was about to have my game of laser tag with Laura, or actually judging on the next sentence maybe: the week I had had my game of laser tag with Laura.
3rd para: I'm a little confused by the first two sentences. Actually it is merely the first sentence that flummoxed me and the second sentence added to my confusion. Are you trying to say that the party was past?
3rd Para: Also, foreshadowing of Laura about to be a kick ass sci-fi creature killer? And who is 'they' ? The general public?
7th to 8th para: rather abrupt change. here is where more detail could be added. And if this unknown character is suppose to be important to the plot perhaps add a little more character detail, physical trait that maybe catches Danny's (seriously, what else does he want to be called? Daniel?) eye.
"At least, I hoped it was a breath mint, and not an anti-satellite imaging pill or something."
~~Gave me a good chuckle.
The conversation between Cody and Danny was completely amusing me. Really strong dialogue, but again the 'stuff' in between is a little choppy.
"I waited in the lobby for Laura, listening to the soft pitter-patter of rain outside. I liked the rain. It was comforting. A lot of people talk about how the rain just depresses them, but I always felt the opposite. Something about it was just soothing."
~Right here you could go into a little something about him and his relation with the rain. This is the perfect place to add a little more emotion behind Danny instead of just the dry humor and the sassy attitude.
"The worst thing she's ever done intentionally was to fill a bottle of root beer with Diet Coke on April Fools' Day once, and I'm pretty sure she felt bad about that for days after."
~~Laura sounds absolutely adorable. This really strong bond that exists between Laura and Danny is really quiet endearing, and by adding a few complexities such as character flaws adds to the dynamic of the pair.
Here: "I know, I know. What happened?"
Maybe adding how he hates making her feel bad, or something that adds more to the dialogue. Again you have a lot of dialogue but no action. Here is an example of an exert of your work with added detail in it that you, of course, do not have to use merely to just get you thinking.
Example: (Anything I added I put into brackets).
"I didn't say anything." [I said softly, the look on her face was so serious I could feel a knot in my stomach. Laura was usually so carefree and playful, whenever she acted like this I always felt a little uneasy.]
"Y-yeah, but I just wanted to make sure you knew that before I said it!" [Laura mumbled, as she looked down at her hands pointedly ignoring my searching gaze.]
"Whatever you say." [I said with a shrug.]
[There was a slight pause, then she continued,] "Well… I went to open my locker, but instead of grabbing the handle, my hand went right through!"
"You punched through your locker?" [I asked, giving her a skeptical glance.]
[She shook her head vigorously, her hair that she normally wore down was swirled into a bun that bobbed as she moved. She glanced up at me our eyes meeting for the first time since she had started the conversation and instantly she looked away,] "No! My hand went right through, like there wasn't even a door there or anything!"
"Okay. So what happened after that, Kitty [Pryde]?" [I asked with a short laugh. Score one for]
~~ My first comment is did you intentionally spell Kitty's last name wrong? (Yah, I know my x-men).
Second, please notice how I added a 'she said' and 'he said'. Rarely do I see in your writing (or at least from what I've read of the first/second chapter) those two simple words. From that basic structure you can really do a lot with a simple dialogue such as add in actions and emotions and facial expressions.
Interesting end to an even more interesting chapter. Might I add that the pace is beautiful, a pristine blend slow and fast.
| jenxrawr chapter 1 . 1/22/2012
4th sentence: "Sometimes, I wish I was at school instead of home. ", the correct word is 'were' not 'was'.
7th paragraph, last sentence "He's not even Scottish or anything." It makes more sense to just say 'He's not even Scottish.' But this is just my own opinion not really a grammatical error.
Somewhere in the middle of your story you go from Danny (or whatever name he actually prefers) trying to help this crazy young girl only a few years older than me (making her what? I don't even know how old he is) to suddenly him being in the middle of US History class. The transition was sudden and left me really confused as to what had just happened. Maybe make it evident that between the 'and try to finish my homework before midnight' and 'my phone vibrated' there is a time shift.
What I find most interesting about you is your way of writing. The two short stories you have posted titled "Destiny" and "Fallen" are stunning. You write with such eloquence and with such a superb vocabulary that has a hint of dry humor.
But writing a novel/novella is a huge step away from writing short stories and poems.
First, dialogue/characters. In the conversation between Cody and Danny when Danny says that he was there when the crazy lady got picked up by the police, why doesn't Cody react? If Cody were as interested in this woman and her mysterious past as he appears to be shouldn't he want to hear about this woman from someone who was actually there?The same thought applies to Danny and the crazy woman.
Second, structure. At the beginning it was good, you had single lines mixed in with a few paragraphs making it easy for my to read. But by the end especially the last chunk of writing it is all single lines. Try to add more to just what the person is saying. You have a lot of dialogue, which is fine, but you need to balance it with action. A story isn't just people talking it involves action.
Third, description. You have a really interesting character here and I thoroughly enjoyed his soliloquy type rant at the beginning as well as the other characters you introduced within this chapter. But where is the description? What does he look like? What are his surroundings? Where is the visual support that adds to what is going on in this world you have created for me because right now everything is in black and white, and Danny is a faceless, ageless blob. When writing think about all the sense a person has and try to create a picture with your words.
And my final and fourth, pace. It is a little slow moving for me but honestly as long as you are aware of the pace you are moving at then that's all I really have to say. When changing paces, which is not against any rules, do be mindful of the delicateness with which you must use to have a polished finish.
Good luck with your future writing, Forzare and I do hope take into consideration my honest thoughts of your writing. If you have any questions or would like to contact me for any reason please feel free to PM me.
| P.A.S chapter 3 . 1/21/2012
I'm liking this story a lot. Reminds me of how Stephen King writes. Anxious to keep on reading!
| BHS chapter 8 . 9/18/2011
I truly love what you've done with this. Everything just WORKS, from the slice-of-life stuff to the humor to the supernatural horror... you've found a balance that is simply perfect. I look forward to reading more!
| Far Wanderer chapter 8 . 9/18/2011
This is the best story that I've found on FP lately, well worth reading. It's good got good character development and an exciting storyline that promises to stay that way. I would like to say, though, that I found Dan's wry humor brilliant in the first chapters. I hope that you can find a way to work it back in, even when he's dealing with big problems.