|Reviews for Perspectives of Madness|
| Just Entity chapter 1 . 10/25/2011
Good story. Enjoyed reading it. Few comments though. 1) what are the names supposed to be ? 2) it kind of threw me off track when you added the part about the zombie. Didnt really make sense to me. 3) please add more chapters explaining the zombie part
| ChrisXD chapter 1 . 10/12/2011
I love this story, I really hope u update soon! I think u did very well at 3rd person!
| Sheaver chapter 1 . 10/8/2011
:D this is nice, ive been searching for nice stories for awhile... ive finally found something...!
| Strop chapter 1 . 10/5/2011
The story is interesting - I want to know more. What was that creature? Now the review:
Third person omniscient can be rather difficult to write, seeing as there is such a thing as telling TOO much, but you seem to be doing a good job of it. Maybe elaborate a little bit more on their though processes - for instance, why does Azuree like pain? Elaborate on why characters do the things they do. This makes them seem more alive and also gives the reader a more interesting experience.
This may be just my personal opinion, but when Azuree sees her monster I think it would work better if you also included some of her own thoughts, not just Tyruza's. As I said, elaborate. I go back to what I said about telling too much. There is also such a thing as telling too little. Things like this can make or break a story.
Grammar, spelling is all good. That's it for the review. Do let me know if it helps!
| Lubstur chapter 1 . 10/3/2011
The POV that a writer chooses doesn't really matter. However, the usual trend lately is writing in third person. The structure of the story is fine. The problem with your 3rd POV is the way your describing the sequence of events. DESCRIBING, the SEQUENCE of EVENTS.
Yes, simply put. It's a common mistake, called (Lubstur's Term: Simple narration). What do I mean?
Yours: Azuree takes the knife and slips it carefully under her blue jacket with the words Abercrombie & Fitch across the front.
Very intriguing. We are first being introduced with a character (Unusual name) and what's more we see her hiding a KNIFE inside her jacket, wait... why do we need to know the brand of a jacket?
ERGH! This is where the unusual third person comes to fault. I know that this is your unique way of writing, your own style. But it doesn't mean you can't improve on it. Whether it might mean she's fashionable, or a certain stereotype, the main point is, "It's not TOO important".
PURPOSE OF 3rd POV: The emphasis of the third POV is to be able to NARRATE while making SPONTANEOUS ACTIONS that describe SEQUENCE OF EVENTS and CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT. It truly is a versatile tool, there are infinite ways to direct a story, scenery, character, and plot. BUT, the most common mistake for many writers is that they choose to make their narration obvious for the reader. The more skilled a writer is, the less aware their audience is about the POV. They won't really know unless they think about it. It might be because the DETAILS are made beautifully, or the plot is immediately interesting. But whatever it is, the POV is the last thing a reader should be aware of!
The biggest sign of an unconcealed narration usually begins with the introduction.
1. The sky was dark, Daniel was tired from the stress at work.
2. Sarah took a deep breathe. As she crossed the dark hallway, she heard a sound...
These are very simple and poorly made sentences, and are very common with many people's writings.
Q. WHY IS IT POOR?
A. Simple, it's too overused, unoriginal, mundane, too boring... the most important factor of a story besides plot is how well a writer sculpts their introduction. Immediately these poor sentences use unheard and "out of the blue" names. If you're going to mention a new name, make sure you place quick details about that person. "Daniel was tired from the stress at work", you can revise it as "The poor man slumped across his desk, he gazed into the clock and sat quietly. "Danny... I know a way to cheer you up!" the slender arms and warm breath slowly caressed the overtaxed man.
There are millions of ways to make a superior introduction, and there are billions of writers who cultivate their own special style (My favorite being Voltaire, or Kafka from Metamorphosis, GOD THEY'RE GENIUSES!)
Q. So what are some ways I can better form an INTRO to help my 3rd POV?
A. Easy, I'll list a few for you
1. You can use your character, and make the narration through his CONSCIOUS. Almost never begin with a character's quote (Unless you are an old hand with literature), it makes the story too cheesy and less believable.
2. You can create a conflict with the change of scenery, i.e. Something is not right, there's a fire, flood, nature wreaks havoc, ugly hail, blitz storm, etc.
You may notice that these introductions are intense and not very normal, if you really like you can attempt to make a normal setting, but there must be some sort of sink liner to reel in the audience. These are just a few ways to utilize 3rd POV
Now before I answer I want you to guess, where did the problem go wrong?
A: The answer is, the first word Azuree. A key aspect to successful literature is the introduction of their work. Either if it's 1st or 3rd, sometimes even 2nd POV, a writer must interest the readers with an appropriate narration and introduction. Remember that!
SO, going back to your introduction.
YOURS: Azuree takes the knife and slips it carefully under her blue jacket with the words Abercrombie & Fitch across the front. Grabbing her backpack, she jumps on her skateboard and begins heading toward Muerta High.
In this case, I'm going to use 2 of the skills I mentioned above to help manipulate 3rd POV. 1. Character's narration, 2. Scene mood.
*NOTE, I can't use italics in this post, so I'll be using ' ' between my words 'lets do it!'
MINE (CANNOT USE): Gently the knife sleeps between her jacket, the girl named Azuree coughs as she quickly skates. Down the slopes and up the hill, 'I'm late...' she thought, 'I hate this stupi-' "WATCH IT!" a driver quickly steers away as Azuree crosses the street. Grinning she laughs, "You too!"
Okay obviously mine is a bit different, and the character is designed differently. But I hope your getting the picture.
The character descriptions were pretty good, I was interested with the interaction between the 2 friends. Obviously a classic irony, the popular vs unpopular, talented vs untalented, etc.
The only problem was the constant switch of words. Throughout the 3rd POV story, I kept reading Azuree, Tyzura, Azuree this, Tyzura that, Azuree stands, Tyzura sits. A good way to filter out this problem is through a dialogue panel.
Dialogue panels are great ways to make an interaction between more than one person. If you want to know more, PM me. I've wrote too much ~.~
Lubstur 101, you get yer "Happy Ending" rofl
PS You look like a good friend of mine, which is why I was interested to help D. Good luck and happy typing girl!
| Angel Investor chapter 1 . 10/3/2011
I don't understand why you're so unsure about using 3rd person POV. It's working just fine as far as I can tell. What you should be more concerned about is getting rid of those comma splices. There weren't many, but it's good to learn to avoid them.
I like the unique names of Azuree and Tyzura, and how they're friends despite the big contrast between their personalities.
The ending of the chapter was a little abrupt and weird, but I guess that's how you intended it. Keep going. I can't wait to see what Azuree's going to do with that knife. O.O