|Reviews for I See You|
| lookingwest chapter 1 . 10/16/2011
Flow- I think the two parts of this poem flow well together because each shares the same amount of tone. I also like that with that flow, I can really get a sense of a passing of time, even if brief.
Technique/Formatting- It feels like the switch from the regular to bold did visually help the transition, and for once, I do like that. I usually hate the use of bold all the way through or in any part of a narrative, but I think you pulled it off. I think it was an interesting idea not to use punctuation in the sense of commas or capital letters...I almost kind of want that to happen, because you are using periods. Then again, the "I see you" left on its own without a comma or pause, also carries well, so eh, nevermind, XD. Maybe just pay attention for instance, that the second line doesn't need to be capitalized since you use the ellipses and it's part of that first line sentence, that kind of thing. Though that doesn't always apply for poetry, when you introduce periods into the piece, that can hint that it might need to follow regular sentence structure-AND that being said, XD, maybe you did that as a deliberate choice, if so, ignore me-poetry can be finicky as far as what the author intends on a visual level, makes it difficult sometimes, ha!
Word choice- Here, I would have liked a bit more variation, there wasn't a word here that carried a particular amount of richness, but there were ones that were heavy and loaded, like "Dying", so I did like the use and placement of words to give them more weight. A problem I had was the end line, though. You take out the use of contractions...which, the speaker uses contractions earlier in the poem. So the voice-it felt fake to me, or forced. The "I can bear it no more" felt too formal for the speaker's tone. I felt there was an unnatural turn there, and wasn't a fan.
Enjoyment- I liked this over all, the "I see you" did have a bit of a "creeper" connotation for me though, at first I thought our speaker might be some sort of serial killer waiting to murder the girl in the car, but was surprised when it turned out to be a lover. There's just something about the idea of being watched, I think. But I liked the turn, and the use of the bold to convey the anguish that the speaker feels when watching the girl crying. Well done!
| AppleCrumble chapter 1 . 10/5/2011
Oh my gosh. This is just... no words. I love this, it's so sad but brilliantly written. I really don't know what else to say but... beautifully sad.