Reviews for The Kingdom of Rust
khoi12 chapter 3 . 7/30/2012
You are one of the best writers on this site! I love your story and how the action just flows so well! You've got amazing imagery skills. I can pretty much see the entire story play out from your vivid description of everything. Your setting is fascinating too and I love how you were careful not to reveal too much information about Maika or the Cataclysm, but keeping readers coming back, wanting to know more. Keep writing! :D
Dr. Self Destruct chapter 1 . 10/9/2011
Before I begin reading, I notice there are some large paragraphs in this story. I'll be honest, they do appear somewhat daunting, so I will sort through and see if there's a possibility to chop them down a bit while I read. :)

I like the setting of this story; I've always enjoyed the thought of post-apocalyptic worlds, because it's interesting to see how people react in these types of (normally) lawless environments, and it always adds a sense of surreal to the real-world.

I did notice there was a lot of telling in this chapter, rather than showing, and the beginning paragraph was very heavy with describing the outlying area. This is never a bad thing, but sometimes it can be hard to get a reader to follow along when these kind of things are introduced in the very beginning. Perhaps opening the chapter up with Maika cracking into the vessel would be a bit more attention grabbing, but that's merely a suggestion. Personally, I'm a sucker for action, so this may be completely personal preference. But on the matter of showing vs telling, I noticed a part where you mention Maika has long ago overcome being sickened by dead bodies and is used to it by now. Perhaps instead of telling us that, focus more on how composed she remains when looting the bodies, and how apathetic she acts toward the demise of her fellow man. Stuff like that, so the reader can pick up on little things and determine 'oh okay, Maika seems like quite the hard-ass and knows her way around this crazy world' instead of telling us. It always makes readers feel special when they put together those small puzzles. :)

Like I said before, I really enjoy the overall setting of this story, and I think this could branch out to become a great story. I'm excited to see what the other humans in this world are up to, and if Maika happens to have anyone still close to her that's alive.

Here are some random suggestions:

[something below the area still kept it hot, though the Cataclysm that had left it as it was had long passed.]

Style: I thought this sentence came out a bit wordy near the end, and somewhat confusing (though it could be from my lack of sleep). If I may make a suggestion:

"something below the area still kept it hot, though the Cataclysm had long ago passed."

[Though life in the city itself was already perilous, out here it was even worse.]

Edit: This sentence onward could be the start of a new paragraph.

[When she had arrived she'd been disappointed to find that there was only...]

Edit: This could also be the start of a new paragraph.

[when she'd gone and emptied each of the 12 water collectors ]

Edit: Unless the number has something to do with the style or formatting of the story, normally it's best to write out any number below 100.

[Maika nimbly hopped down to the floor and took off in the direction of downed aircraft;]

Edit: This could be another paragraph.

[She prodded at the flaming wreckage with the tip of her spear... ]

Edit: This could be a new paragraph.

[It was some time before Maika finally found what she was looking for; ]

Edit: This could be a new paragraph.

[She grabbed half a dozen ration packs and placed them into the various remaining empty pockets of her bag;]

Edit: This could be a new paragraph.