Reviews for Bachelor Party
SweetChoco71 chapter 1 . 10/22/2011
Hey, I like this story, although it is very bad. Verrry bad. (As in naughty, gross, vulgar.) But either way, I like your writing style, the wording, the sentence structure-nearly everything. There are a few spelling errors that bugged me, but overall it's a good story that's bad. :)

chocolate rocks!
Pink Bead Girl chapter 1 . 10/14/2011
I am here because of your gambit with putting out the "The End" shill on your other story and while slightly exasperated with your games I thought, well I'm here now, may as well have a look.

So my eye fell on "Bachelor Party" ad hoc, and I began to read.

I see the beginnings of the style you polished up so well on "Living the dirty life". I see that bleak seems to be something of a stock in trade for you and I must say you do it quite well.

Your main character here is utterly unloveable yet strangely engaging. You throw out a little ray of hope that he is going to be different, that he is going to resist the tired wiles and tawdriness of sex for hire. For about two seconds. Then of course he sinks into the mire that he so despises, blood flow having gone elsewhere and his head is no longer in charge of the situation.

The ugliness of the scene is really quite beautifully portrayed, every vile, unlovely aspect of it. The raw visceral language really hits home this is a party that would never be frivolous, lighthearted or fun; it's just a grim, empty episode where flesh speaks louder than words.

You really capture the atmosphere vividly in all it's horrible aspects. The description of the prostitute's anatomy..."shaved, red and unappetizingly saggy..." really makes one shudder but that is where your talent shines, to me that scene has such a ring of truth to it. They aren't shiny, blonde goddesses and handsome chisel-chinned heroes, they are ordinary, empty people just getting through the god-awfulness of life best they can.

Having handed out the laurel-wreath now if you don't mind I will take you to task a little too. This is not to flame you, not at all, I just want you to know what I think in the spirit of wanting you to improve your writing.

Firstly, please don't tell me in your author's blurb you wrote anything because you were bored. It makes me think you don't care if anyone reads or not and I nearly didn't read this based on if you don't give a damn then neither do I.

Secondly, I really like your crispness, your bluntness if you will, of language. I am reading, loving the words you selected and then you go and get all lazy on me.

Lazy as in this story is a 1008 words long, varied and well placed except for for two things:

you used the word 'whore' 11 times. I know it is a good word here, raw and ugly but, but, but when it comprises 1% of all the words you used, time to get out the thesaurus.

Which brings me to the other blot on your copy book, you mention strong drink several times each time spelling it "alchohal". Aarrgghh! Made me grind my teeth. "Alcohol!" Please, it is not so hard. It yanked me out of the reality you were placing me so neatly into with the stupidity of not running your spell checker. A simple repeated spelling mistake just put the brakes on the flow of your words into my brain like you wouldn't believe.

Please, please just take a moment and fix the small stuff and it will allow the bigger stuff to shine as it ought. I really like your style and scope that you bring to fiction writing. Keep writing, your potential is good and I like what and how you write, it's different from the usual offering. Pay a little attention to detail and write some new stuff and I am sure that the pay off of reviews will follow. I hope I haven't offended you, offense was about as far from my intention as you could possibly get. I reviewed because you made me give a damn and I offered both praise and correction, as a review that means anything should.

May your muse continue to shine on you.

PBG