|Reviews for Undead|
| mate.feed.kill.repeat chapter 1 . 11/2/2011
I like this, but I think it's underdeveloped. I don't know how long you've been writing but I can say with certainty that if you continue you will definitely get better. I love the ideas that you've got here and the lines that you're putting down, but I think there's so much more that you can do with it.
One thing that I think would help this piece out right away is sorting it into stanzas. Each line standing by itself, or just making one super-stanza, whichever way you want to look at it, doesn't do much for me. I like where you chose to break your lines but I think that stanza breaks would add a lot more to this piece.
Another thing that feels out of place to me is the ending. I'm not really impressed by the zombie/zombieism concepts. To me, it seems kind of juvenile.
Finally the lines "I think it's trying to make sense / Of what you did. / And why you did it" are somewhat lacking. I can't put my finger on it; it's not that these lines are out of place, but rather that they are too broad and unexplained. I believe that by offering some subtle clues as to who "you" or what "it" is might give these lines more life.
There are some things that a really great about this piece, too.
I really like your formatting (underlining, bolding, and italics). It gives character to words and phrases that otherwise might go unnoticed or unappreciated.
I think this piece kind of flows like a song. I love the line "Such pain... abstain!" I'm a huge Slipknot fan and I would love to hear Corey Taylor screaming those words. Have you ever thought of using your poetry as lyrics?
I really enjoy the concepts you've got going on here but, like I said, I think it could use a little work and some tweaking before it becomes fully developed. To be honest the only way to remedy this is to just keep writing. Keep spitting out these lines and playing with them.
| xmovedx chapter 1 . 10/15/2011
I love this.