Reviews for Kiwaku
Miles-tails-prowler chapter 19 . 2/22/2013
Awesome story, can you write another using these characters? I loved it!
Miles-tails-prowler chapter 11 . 2/21/2013
I wanna be an Arctic fox!
Miles-tails-prowler chapter 7 . 2/21/2013
Ah, the Arctic fox is his spirit fox... Funny coincidence considering my story "Kitsune". I can't believe I didn't clue in on that earlier!
Miles-tails-prowler chapter 3 . 2/21/2013
Trying to figure out what the deal is with the Arctic fox... You've got me riveted to the screen!
Kay Iscah chapter 1 . 1/5/2013
(You did request a critical review...)

The first paragraph is so vague, I wish it wasn't there. "I felt a light breeze tickle my skin as I walked to my black mustang" actually strikes me as a stronger opening.

It would be one thing, if you were cutting directly back to this disasterous last encounter, but it seems there are going to be multiple chapters before we get back to this car crash... so why not just let the reader get to it when Max does? Then it can be exciting and unexpected when it happens.


I'm not sold that first person is the best perspective for this story. First person tends to work best when the narrator is either really observant or has an interesting internal life. Max's thoughts are kind of boring and obvious. Stereotypical teen male to the extreme. Maybe if you trimmed back the thought bubbles a little and allow Max's actions to speak for his state of mind.

For instance:

["Yeah," I sigh, my good mood evaporating as soon as Kali came up in the conversation. I mean sure Kali is pretty, hell she's hot, with her long golden blonde hair and crystal blue eyes. But for me, Rylee is the only girl who has actually captured my heart.]

Honestly it's fairly clear from his actions that this is what's going on in his head, so it's a little redundant to spell it out like this.

[I wasn't in a very good mood anyways but now I was completely depressed.] cut sentences like this and let his clenched fists and impulse to walk out explain his mood.

[The only real thing I have going for me is the fact that I might actually get a girlfriend, maybe not the one I want but a girlfriend none the less.] just makes him sound like a world class jerk and more than a little oblivious.

[It didn't help that her shirt was cut so low that I could see the curves of her boobs. What guy would say no to a busty girl?] I have no sympathy for or interest in this guy...this is not good for a 1st person story.


There are some seeming logic contradictions like Rylee says "so I hear that you are going on a date with Kali." and then writes him a note demanding "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT YOU'RE DATING KALI?"

Yeah, teen girls are irrational sometimes, but my guy thought would be "because you already knew!" as evidenced by having commented on it in the car...


Also how on earth does Max get away with toppling over and running out of the classroom, without the teacher getting on to him or the other students saying something about this unusual behavior?

[hazel eyes, sometimes bordering on black.] Hazel is a long way on the color scale from black...

Hazel is "light brown and slightly green or golden in color"


[I took care of all of my personal hygiene; I brushed my teeth, put on Axe deodorant, washed out my mouth with mouth wash, and sprayed an extra dose of Axe spray in an X.]

There are different schools of thought on brand name use. Mine is use sparingly, better avoided unless important to effect. To me it reads like an advertisement in the middle of a story...and if Axe isn't actually paying you for the placement, it doesn't seem to gain you anything.

If you like the brand name effect, you should also brand the tooth paste and mouth wash.

The imagery in this chapter is both cliched and repetitive.

[I closed my eyes, feeling a light breeze brush my cheeks.] again?

"Boob" is used 4 times, and "boobs" 5

Cliche count:

[My strides quickened as my anticipation]

[swishing her curvy hips back and forth]

[wearing a lot cut...button up shirt] I think you meant "low"

[My heart was pounding like a bass drum]

[shoulder length brown hair lightly bouncing]

[her emerald green eyes piercing]

[Her smile was like the sun, it's so beautiful yet her beauty blinds me.] And Juliet is the sun...

["so I hear that you are going on a date with]

[she's hot]

[golden blonde hair and crystal blue eyes.]

[captured my heart.]

[captivated by ... her ... eyes.]

[draping her arm across my shoulders]

[nibbling on my earlobe.]

[My heart was still racing]

[Two can play that game.]

[I gripped my pencil so hard snapped in half,]

[The hair on the back of my neck tingled]

[boobs ...popping out]

[her huge chest.]

[and purred,]

[sparkling blue eyes]

[lush lips.]

[She giggled flipping her blonde hair back]

[Love isn't everything right?]

[I'm sick and tired]

[someone tapped me on my shoulder]

[to feel her wrath]

Erm...that's only halfway through the chapter, but you get the idea


comma splices and missing commas all over, and a few tense shifts...less bothersome than the cliches.


You could probably cut everything from his arrival home until he picks her up for the movie theatre. None of what happens in that section seems to move the plot forward or tell us more about the characters.


I think there are ways to present pretty much the same scenario but make Max a bit more likeable, but it would be in the nuances of the telling.


The Dialogue is extremely simplistic, but that I can buy given the age and relative normalcy of the characters. But if you're going to write very simple dialogue, the prose needs to be a bit more engaging, particularly Max's thought bubbles. If you switched to third person, Max's thoughts could become more of a mystery. But if you stay in first...he needs a lot more depth and a stronger motivation than "boobs".
AJ 96 chapter 1 . 11/15/2012
This chapter is really interesting! :) I liked the fact that it was from a guy's POV and the heartbreak he's going through is actually believable! The cold thing has my interest piqued! The only thing I wanted was a bit more dialogue, but besides that, it was good :)
AquariusGirl230191 chapter 1 . 4/14/2012

I love the opening paragraph. Instantly sucked me into the story.

You've got a pretty strong opening here, and next time I am on I'll be sure to read through the rest of the chapters to find out what happens! :D

Only constructive thing; dialogue should ideally be on a new line otherwise it reads a little confusing; for example, you seem to do dialogue like this:

"Hello" Mark said. "Hi" Anna replied.

(I know that's not from your story, just a example)

Where as,

"Hello" Mark said.

"Hi." Anna replied.

Just makes it easier to read :)

That's all constructive wise though :) Good stuff! Enjoyed it.
Guest chapter 18 . 3/26/2012
Very redundant at times, and the grammar/sentence structure needs lots of work.
Luckcharm chapter 17 . 3/25/2012
Once again, your description was beautiful! *applauds* _

The only flaw that I can point out is how naive (I guess that's one way of putting it) the mother is :/ I mean, it's kind of hard to believe that your son can turn into a fox (and all the other stuff I can't be bothered listing), and then fully encourage him to challenge Calib O_O Personally, I think there should have been a phase where no one believed his (except Rylee, etc) story. Just to make things a bit more realistic :)

But honestly, other than that, it was flawless! :D

Update soon~!
Luckcharm chapter 15 . 3/17/2012
EEEHHH? I'M SO SORRY D: The stupid review button died out on me _ Also, I was fangirling about a new anime and what not :P

I really loved how you described the silence (near the end of the chapter) Especially since I was in a really silent room at the time :P

And regarding the PM, I think you have to make the story move a little faster. :/ Don't know if it's just me, but it seems like three chapters could be just one. Like the last three/two, seemed like I could read that in one go (if I wasn't sleepy).

Technically, your writing is spot on, I guess it's just your chapter groupings that need a little working on :P It's like writing MASSIVE ass paragraphs. In one chapter, it's (mainly) one idea c: Especially since this story is told from POVs, instead of 3rd Person!

Update soon~!
Luckcharm chapter 14 . 3/13/2012
D: I wish this chapter was longer~ I wanted to put off my homework for more longer xD

Wow, honestly the whole stalker thing creeped me out... O_O

Now, I'm going to review chp 15 :)
Luckcharm chapter 13 . 2/29/2012
God, I hate Calib so freaking much right now it's hard to type properly! I hate to rewrite that (and this) sentences probably five times until my cold hands could to anything! (It's absolutely freezing over here even though it's summer O_O)

And you are going to explain Calib's chanting, right? Or maybe I just missed it somehow xD

Also, I found Rylee's part really creepy... Or was it intended to? xD The part about the 'smell of decaying flesh' made the air seem more stale that it really is xD

Update soon~!
Luckcharm chapter 12 . 2/24/2012
xDDD I don't know why but I found it hilarious when his mum just went from "GET OUT OF MY HOUSE, YOU BEAST" to "MY POOR BABY~!" Maybe it's just because I'm drowsy :P

Also, still sorry to see so little reviews :/ BTW, sorry for not reviewing lately _" I was just wondering to see if anyone else was generous to review your story :/ But don't worry! I'll going to be reviewing 100% from now on~

Don't let the lack of reviews make you lose interest in your own story though! _b

Update soon~!
Luckcharm chapter 10 . 2/6/2012
Sorry, I can't be stuffed to log in right now xD

Anyways... just wow... O_O That was... Just let me think for a bit... I just need to take this chapter in... I know I always say your chapters are intense, BUT THEY ARE! It's scary how emotionally you can write sometimes...

Wooops.. I let this review sit on my coms desktop overnight xD I would review some more, but stupid highschool is starting soon _ I'm still sleepy.

Update soon~!
Luckcharm chapter 9 . 1/27/2012
WOOOOAAAAHHH the 1700s? Now this story is just getting better and better! :D As well as technically "older and older" xD And my jokes are getting worse and worse... It's because of a teacher I had for two years who repeatedly made puns... guess his lame jokes rubbed off on me a bit :P

This chapter was intense... I actually was feeling the ups and downs of this! I probably would have more if it wasn't the morning though _

Just to let you know, good to see more dialogue in this chapter! _b

Update soon~!
23 | Page 1 2 Next »