Reviews for David's Story: Noble Theif
Embers Lynn chapter 7 . 8/25/2020
Just reading this again... Still love this story.
Embers Lynn chapter 5 . 6/30/2013
Loved it as always! You're an amazing writer and I can't wait to read more! :)
Embers Lynn chapter 4 . 1/19/2012
I love the forth chapter! Yes i am very happy that David is sticking to his old ways. It shows he won't be tamed easily, He's a fighter. Good job. Can't wait to read more!
Romantically chapter 3 . 11/16/2011
Ahhhhh this is so good! I really like the second AND third chapters. Your descriptions are really thorough and I can just see everything in my mind. I love the characters that you've created- hopefully David really does stop stealing and can help Belinda and Wolf.

PS- Comrade sounds adorable!
embers of pain chapter 3 . 11/14/2011
Great job, I really enjoyed reading that. I liked the last part with Belinda hugging him, and I love wolf:)
sherbertbunnie chapter 3 . 11/10/2011
Omg hells yeahh 333 :D haha its awsomeee!
CloudStrifesGirl chapter 3 . 11/7/2011
Okay, so I liked this chapter a lot. Really good. So far David, Tris, and Wolf are my faves!

When you say "David looked stuck dumb for a second", it should be "David was dumbstruck for a second."

In another part you say, "You're kidding right." David asked incredulously. When Tris gave him a blank look, he snorted. "Three silver pieces is way to much for me just being a servant, even a personal one." he added when he saw that the lord was about to say something." It should be "You're kidding, right?" David asked incredulously. Whe Tris gave him a blank look, he snorted. "Three silver pieces is way too much for me jut being a servant, even a personal one," he added when he saw that the lord was about to say something."

"They made their way down the halls once they reached the bottom floor Tris spoke again." should be "They made their way down the hall and once they reached the bottom floor, Tris spoke again."

And in a few places, you miss the important comma that comes before a person's name when a character is talking to another.

"I'm gong to paid three silver pieces a week and I get to see you every tenth day. I can take care of you guys. No more steeling." It should be "I'm going to be paid three silver pieces a week and I get to see you every tenth day. I can take care of you guys. No more stealing."

"When the girl say her friend she ran over and gave him a tight hug." It should be "When the girl saw her friend, she ran over and gave him a tight hug."

Other than those few things, awesome job! Looking forward to the next chapter!
Fadded chapter 2 . 11/4/2011
"The torches were always burning no matter what it time it was." -don't need that first it there.

"...got to check up on some new-bes." -Spelling error? were you trying to write newbies?

Oh no! Poor Comrade! Doggie abuse! I don't like Boss. .

"In the slums he was given he was given looks of sympathy or even pity, but in the Rich he was looked at with hatred and disgust." - erase the first given.

"He really never was going to leave." - Odd phrasing. Maybe rewrite like this: "He was never going to leave."

"Make sure you keep him in check, okay Lapis." -end with a question mark. Nice name, Mikolas. Already don't like him lol XD. He sounds like an asshole.

"He didn't know home long he stayed " -how not home.

"hurry so I can finish you up." lol XD sounds like she going to eat him.

"It was like a peacock with a clipped tail." - I love this! I have never heard this simile before and it is awesome XD.

And like I said, you've gotten so much better at the description and story flow. . keep up the improvements. I like this chapter's action and everything. .
Fadded chapter 1 . 11/4/2011
Hello Sweetie! Sorry about the delay. I've been busy. Well here are some comments for this chapter since you asked me to beta. I prefer it if you gave the chapter through e-mail so I can make my comments there and you can edit or do what you need to do before posting. Without further distraction, let's begin:

"Her a sneak-theif and gutter rat." - This is a fragment. Combine it or add more.

Spell check. You also missed some commas.

"Manor- which was strange considering his high position throughout Efratis." -Awkward phrasing. Mostly because of the first part.

"Right into the sword point of a very angry looking guard." Combine this sentence to the former. This is a fragment.

Fox fur- I like that nickname XD.

"Boss wouldn't toss him out, would she? Of course she would." -I like this sentence. Usually we see wouldn't at the end and I like the change.

"Except when angry, then she tended to lash out." -Might sound better: "Except when angry. That's when she tended to lash out." Could even use more descriptive language for that.

"...anything but remorseful "But your going..." -comma after remorseful and lowercase but.

"He's big, and has excellent instincts. It'll be like having me around, except he's furry and doesn't talk." - lol XD. Got a nice chuckle out of that.

I like the ending you had there. It set up foreshadowing rather nicely. You've gotten much better. This story seems to be quite the improvement. I like it. I will happily beta this story for you. Like I said earlier, you are still having a little problem with punctuation and some phrasing, but overall pretty good. keep up the good work sweetie.
Empers of pain chapter 2 . 10/27/2011
It was a really good chapter. hurry up, and update! there were a few grammar mistakes, but nothing to bad. over all a fantastic chapter. good job!
CloudStrifesGirl chapter 2 . 10/25/2011
Natalie again! Okay so review time!

I really like this chapter! It's jacked up how Boss betrayed them, dude!

Okay. Not really much that needs changing or anything except for a few things. You say "After about fifteen minutes the bells sounder six times." It should be "After about fifteen minutes, the bells sounded six times."

In another one, you say "I think it would be good if you let some one know where your hide-out is so hat we could check up on you." It should be "I think it would be good if you let someone know where your hideout is so that we could check up on you."

And you also say "Inside wa a metal tub filled with water" it's missing an 's' at the end of 'was.'

And then "She led them into a large hall, which she explained was the entertainment hall, for when Tristam was expecting guest." It should be "She led them into a large hall, which, she explained, was the entertainment hall, for when Tristam was expecting guests."

Again, a few minor punctuation erros. Other than that, fantastic job! Keep at it!
Natalie chapter 1 . 10/24/2011
Hey! This is Natalie. You asked me in an e-mail to review this for you so here it is!

Okay, so I really like this. It's really interestting. I like the way you write! It's really good.

I noticed a few mistakes, though. One of your sentences says, "Her a sneak-thief and gutter rat." It should probably say "She was a sneak-theif and gutter rat." Or something similar.

And in another part you say, "pit pocket" which should probably be "pick pocket."

In the part where you're talking about how Boss is, you say that after "you first couple weeks on the streets you just sort of excepted things as they were," should be changed to "After your first couple weeks on the streets, you just sort of accepted things as they were."

When Boss is talking to David, she says "thief's." It should be "thieves."

And then, you say, "David walked out of Bosses room." To be grammatically correct, it should be "David walked out of Boss' room."

And then throughtout the story there are a few punctuation errors, but they are minor and even without them the meaning of the sentences are still clear.
embers of pain chapter 1 . 10/18/2011
I love it. twas really a good begining, and you really need to update soon as you can. Keep up the good work! Can't wait to read what happens next