|Reviews for Trouble|
| Whirlymerle chapter 1 . 8/28/2012
I think you did a great job portraying the emotions of the two characters. I really like the line: [A simple upward tug of those gorgeous soft lips and he was a goner.]
At the same time, there were some descriptions I wasn't too fond of, such as: [It set her face on fire.] This seemed more violent than beautiful, I thought.
| theKnobblyKneedWriter chapter 1 . 3/24/2012
Gawd, I loved it :)
| Findus chapter 1 . 11/14/2011
Ah, I really enjoyed this, Iva.
The girl, they way you describe her seems so wonderfully unpredictable and at the same time I can understand the male protagonist's attraction to her. i loved the way you described her smile in the opening paragraph and if this was a style experiment, I thought it worked perfectly. I liked the switching point of views and created great sparks between the two.
| YasuRan chapter 1 . 11/14/2011
One thing I enjoyed about this story was the interplay of two POVs: the hunter and the hunted, predator and prey. These two roles were constantly switched between our protagonists and it just upped the ante on the sexual tension swirling around as each staked out the other. It makes for a well-rounded narrative. I also always enjoy a feisty heroine :)
There are a few areas in which you could improve: though your language and vocabulary are of a good standard, your phrasing is quite cliched in some places, such as the beginning. 'Her eyes would sparkle like a thousand stars hid in their depths, her cheeks would flush in delight and her sheer humor would intoxicate even the Gods.' could have been put across in a more unique, memorable manner.
Your grammar's not bad but there were a couple of lines that had a comma or two missing so you might want to look into such details before publishing. Also, try not to crowd too much text in one paragraph (as with the ones near the end). It's a bit overwhelming, style-wise.
Overall, you've definitely got some potential. Keep writing and learning, read widely to see how you can improve, and most of all, enjoy what you're doing. I definitely got the sense of that last aspect while I was reading this, so good for you :). Your writing is a little rough in some areas but you show great potential to improve further.
| Who Is This Girl Anyway chapter 1 . 11/14/2011
I think this is an interesting twist- it's more typical to see men using women for sex than vice versa. If you've read the Keats poem La Belle Dame Sans Merci, then the girl reminded me of the woman in that. The twist on the usual gender roles was a nice touch as it made the piece stick out from the usual stories.
You've got some beautiful imagery here, which says a lot about the narrator. You convey that the attraction is very clearly sexual, but you write it tastefully. You write it this in a style that's tasteful and romantic, but you don't go overboard.
You've done a beautiful job of this. Well done.
| Deedee Elle chapter 1 . 11/8/2011
I like the pace of this, the fact that you don't rush through the descriptions but really go into a lot of depth. It gives it a very graceful air.
The short changes of viewpoints work well as it is easy to picture the characters moving through the party. I found the male character (the anonymity of them being nameless and ageless was a nice touch too) more sympathetic than the female as she seemed a lot more conscious of the affect she was having and came across as colder. I did wonder about halfway through whether the person she was thinking about was going to turn out to be someone different and there was going to be a sudden shit in tone to his broken heart. When she was asking him to kiss her at the end I felt that it was more important to her that he demonstrated those feelings than that she felt them if that makes sense- it seemed a lot about power.
The kiss itself is beautifully described, really vivid.
I liked this but while I sort of want to know who they are I think it works really well as a snapshot of life.
| chewychester chapter 1 . 10/29/2011
That smile, yes, that smile led many a strong soul down the path to utter defenslessness. ;)
| IfWeWereInLove chapter 1 . 10/19/2011
I love the beginning where he's just describing her smile (:
It's just so beautiful and endearing.
I like your idea a lot. It's fun, light and just really cute. I think that you've got an amazing nack for descriptions, I can picture everything around me in a way that's completely surreal.
But the only thing that's messing it up for me, is the inconsistent tense :/ And while you're changing tenses, there's no clear transition or break. Like a hypen. Sometimes people use italics for the thoughts of their characters, maybe you could try that?
There are a few grammar mistakes here and there that you can just go through and edit. The paragraphs are a bit think in certain places and in others there are random breaks, probably just some FP formatting mistakes. If you need help with that you can always PM.
I think it's very sweet and their relationship is intriguing. I hope you continue or maybe this a one shot?
Ahhh. Well I thought is was a good read (: