|Reviews for Trampled|
| Peach the Hedgehog chapter 1 . 10/22/2011
Wow, don't be too hard on yourself. It's not the best story, sure, but for a first attempt, it could be a lot worse!
Before I go on, I want to add to not beg for a certain amount of reviews. For those who read and like your story, it just isn't fair to them. You can discontinue a story if you want, but don't do it just because three people haven't reviewed it yet.
Now, since you really want a critique, I'll start there! First of all, don't give us the look and feel of your characters before they show up. In other words, get rid of the mini-bios. It's not really necessary in the story itself. If you do want to have them, stick it in your profile so people can see it that way.
Also, don't make notes in the middle of the chapter, such as (Charm is Charisma's nickname BTW). It looks rather sloppy and takes away from the story somewhat. Instead, if you want to point out to the readers that Charm is a nickname, actually write it out a little. Such as, for example, "Her name is Charisma, but others preferred to call her Charm." That basically shows the reader that Charm is her given nickname. Or, if that was something she preferred, then it could be written like this "Though her name is Charisma, she preferred to be called Charm."
Another problem is your scenes are a little on the short side. This makes it hard to keep up with things. Sometimes a short scene is okay, but you want to pull in your readers as well.
This is especially true for detail! Now, before I go on, I do want to point out that for a first story, I can actually see some good description here at times! Like 'a sleek creature with a lean frame.' The thing is though, a little more detail would be very nice. As this story is an original work, we don't know of the world in your head. Give us more description of the world around us! Just be careful not to add too much detail though as too much is just as bad as having too little.
Now, these next two are more minor, in my eyes. First of all, I felt the mentioning of the minutes was a bit jarring the way it was written. Further more, at times it is better to write out the numbers so they look cleaner. Like 'One hour and thirty seven minutes' for example.
Next, and this happens to all of us so you don't need to feel bad, and that is there are some typos here and there. Such as, after you mentioned that she didn't like killing, you said 'But she had too.' Too doesn't work here, so you would have wanted to use to.
Now, as for the story itself, I can't say much about the premise right now, because it is only a first chapter. But I do want to comment on how unique it is. It isn't often that we get a story that features animals like this! Or at least those that can shape shift into animals.
Aside from the occasional typo, spelling was pretty good most of the time, and that is something I like to see!
I know you said you accept suggestions, and this is something I want to bring up before I go on. What I am about to say is only a suggestion. If you don't want to use it, then that is perfectly fine! After all, just because someone suggests something doesn't mean you have to follow it!
Anywho, as for my suggestion for this... in my opinion, I would like to see a race of these shape shifters. But only have it where each shifter can become one animal. After all, it is way too easy if the shifter can adapt to anything! And instead of these shifters being referred to as demons, how about at least having them as outcasts most of the time? Like, even though this is stereotypical, maybe there are many people out there who think bad things about shifters and that they can't be trusted?
One final thing. Considering the animal shape shifting, I think a curse is a little out of place, at least to an animal. How about having it where the curse makes an animal more human?
Now, once again, you don't have to use these suggestions! This is your story, not mine! So if these ideas don't sit well with you, then just don't use them. Simple as that.
Whew, sorry if this was longer than you expected! Now, again, don't be so hard on yourself. I'm sure that given enough time and practice, your stories will be very good! Good luck to you!