Reviews for Bullet Queen
Rabukurafuto chapter 12 . 11/19/2013
That was very emotional compared to most of the earlier chapters. You picked a good moment to put it in after so much uninterrupted action. Those were quite a few revelations to drop on us. I think it was worth while. Unfortunately, there are moments I want to point out for correction, but I can't copy it for you. I can tell you that it lies in the moment when Sujin is saying that their father is well though.

I read earlier on an English blog I like called Chronicles of Harriet an article called Black Pulp: Fight Fiction With Funk! This was the best guide to writing fight scenes I have seen so far. It might be helpful to take a look. I know I will be reading it again.
Rabukurafuto chapter 11 . 11/12/2013
The fighting turned out quite well here. They have been consistently good throughout the story. I don't understand that bit with Alexis being attacked by a blob though. It isn't clear to me what was happening there.
Rabukurafuto chapter 10 . 11/7/2013
It feels quite short cutting this chapter in half. I suppose you ended it at the best area possible though and the next chapter will focus more of the other fighters. Some parts feel new though; did you add some conversation to lengthen the chapter?
Rabukurafuto chapter 9 . 10/21/2013
I very much liked this chapter. I had been wondering about Sujin, and this sheds some light on her. In fact, I had been wondering more about the Moon Guard in general, so I'm grateful for being allowed this closer look at them. I like Margareta a lot, being such a creepy little girl. It looks like the next chapter will be quite fun.
cmaej chapter 1 . 6/30/2013
I didn't read this chapter, but I will review for completion sake.

After reading all of the other chapters, I find your story compelling and easy to understand without this chapter. I prefer to learn along the way. I did notice you have a list of stuff relating to each character. I have a document similiar to this for my story, but I never posted it. I honestly think it belongs near the end of a volumn/arc, once a reader begins to care about the characters and desires to learn more about them.

You have a talent for explaining new concepts through dialogue and action rather than narration. You can use it to educate your readers about the definitions that way. Better yet, a one shot that educates, tells a good story, and promote this story can help.
cmaej chapter 8 . 6/30/2013
I have a feeling that Dardanelle and Lenora were once couples. I also believe her "disappearance" or "death" was her switching sides.

Compared to all the action in the previous chapters, the pacing on this chapter is a bit slow. I understand you need to elaborate on the concept of mana to continue the plot, but maybe there's a better way to deliver the message. Perhaps drops hints about it after each battle scene? The mystery could keep the readers interested instead of laying everything out all at once. Just a suggestion.
cmaej chapter 7 . 6/29/2013
This fight scene was really good. It wasn't one-sided and both parties got their share of a beating. It also seems that Violet can use a little brain when her brawn (or bullets) is not enough. I thought Alexis will be more talk than walk because of his youth, but he appears to be a decent fighter. I still don't understand Conroy's abilities. Is he able to morph his hands into metal objects?
cmaej chapter 6 . 6/29/2013
I did enjoy Mr. Simmons' perspective; I think getting that from any type of antagonist is a good idea. There's nothing worse than a flat villian. Your technique also gave me an opportunity to learn a little about the "evil plan" without the corny monologuing. I personally think that who are the bad guys and who are the good guys is all relative. It does seem like Mr. Simmons has gotten himself involved in something he knows little about.
Y. S. Wong chapter 3 . 6/29/2013
"blinking neon African tribal masks" Tasteful.

Yeah, Violet is hilarious. Loved that scene with her and Desmond trying to get into the lounge.

...And then she goes batshit crazy.

I think the tricky thing about trying to eliminate telling from your story is that you run the risk of not telling enough. I got rather confused once you started bringing in all these new elements and people with no explanation. Usually I also prefer to do that if possible and tell later if at all, but in this case I do think it would have helped readers to give them a bit of an inkling of what was going on without them having to resort to reading an encyclopedia. After all, if they have to read encyclopedic entries to understand what's going on anyway, wouldn't it be easier to just supply a little bit of info in the story itself?

Other than that, the action this chapter was great. Also really liked Jean as a character. His history with Violet was definitely one where you got the balance between telling and not telling right.
Clear World chapter 8 . 6/28/2013
One issue I had while reading... omg, all these characters. I have no idea who they are. Granted, as this are their first time appearing, I wouldn't know who they are, but it sucks when they all appear at once. It makes it hard to figure out who's personality is whom when they are all in exact same dialogue. But once again, this is their introduction...

Also, I must correct myself on my last post. I meant to say, my highlights while reading your story is Violent's interaction with other associates not named Desmond.

Should also note, Desmond doesn't interest me. He's character trait doesn't jump out to me. He's too causal for me to like with like no defining feature or habit that I can use to help notice him in the crowd of characters already being introduced.

Eh, this chapter was build up. Good build up but now I must wait -.-
Clear World chapter 7 . 6/28/2013
I feel like I should just accept not expecting a dynamic character(s) and just enjoy the hell out of this story for what it is: an high octane action pack story that remains to be well written and flows smoothly. And I also think I finally understand the more structure story form of this. It reminds me similar to 'Darker than Black', as the main characters tends to be not the focal points of the story arc... or maybe that's just me.

The beginning of 'Soldier Ragtime' is actually what I wished for in your 'New Orleans' Arc will things are maybe explained in a more straight forward way so I know what the heck is happening and why it's happening. I actually had a sense of what the situation was now and wasn't just completely lost when some sudden turn of event just happened.

The action remains good like always, and characters reach the basic needs for me to seem like characters. To me, the highlights are the interactions with Violet and her enemy, just because I like seeing how the enemy reacts to her.

Well, I look forward to see how this arc ends. :3
Clear World chapter 4 . 6/28/2013
For what it was, it was a fun far pace ride that held tons of action. Made reading these long pages fly by.

But I did not have much emotional investment because the stakes came out of nowhere for me.

overall, this was still a strong start to the story with some introductions if charterers that I hope return and are given more time to develop. Violent still disappoints me and the guy still didn't interest me, yet.
kingofe3 chapter 2 . 6/27/2013
I missed this chapter, sorry. Just wanted to say Violent is badass and Desmond is the chillest guy I've ever seen.
kingofe3 chapter 8 . 6/27/2013
It's quite nice to see some new light on the story, an explanation chapter is always great. Looks like Izumi does hold some importance.
Clear World chapter 3 . 6/27/2013
Just a personal dislike, the length of your piece. Omg, it's so long. Beyond that, you write your story well where things are always happening and everything seems to move a natural pace without the feeling of dragging.

I personal don't like Violet or Desmond at the moment. There aren't nothing wrong with those characters, but their overall characterization aren't in my liking. They aren't bad characters and each brings out a distinct personality that makes it easily noticeable. This makes it a strong foundation that I hope in my further read they become more dynamic characters.

I really loved your first story, "Gunsmoke" as it really brought forward the characters and reveal glimpse into the world so I know what to expect.

For your New Orleans Blues arc so far, I'm actually distant from it. It's not a bad read, but there were like so many characters just appearing that I have almost no idea what the stakes are. Granted, it took me a few re-reads to understand the other characters. And this chapter actually makes me hate Violent's personality even more.

Overall, a good reading as it keep me interested throughout this extremely long read. Simply amazing but I hope the concluding arc beings some character depth to your two mains.
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