|Reviews for The mornings songs|
| Silent Blood Rose chapter 2 . 12/6/2011
sorry...didnt feel like logging it. keep it up. I love it
| adrian-lavan chapter 1 . 11/2/2011
The first sentence or two should really draw your reader in. I don't think this is particularly bad, but it could be better. I feel like the first couple sentences are really repetitive-you keep referring to the city gate. Instead, try to combine those sentences, like, "The last time I stood outside these city gates was when I had been banished five years ago." I think you could combine some of these thoughts to have a punchier, interesting hook.
" I had done the unthinkable, causing banishment that was supposed to be eternal. Now I was back after the ban had been lifted, or so Luceria had told me." I feel like you're telling us a lot of things, like this, that would be interesting to actually see. Why not show us the conversation with Luceria? And the reaction to that news would also tell us interesting things about the narrator's personality. The same goes for when she opens her mind and lets him see what she saw. Why not show us what happened there?
I think the biggest issue I have here is that for most of this you're telling us what happened when you could be showing us. I think that you've got a lot of interesting ideas here and you could do some interesting things with this, but only if you *show* us the interesting action pieces rather than telling us that they happened. I know that there's always a temptation to leave the reader hanging on some of the details to build suspense. But when you show us what happens, you build better and more lasting suspense as well as great interest. And there are always other details that you can keep hidden from the reader too. :)
| Silent Blood Rose chapter 1 . 11/2/2011
I love it so far. keep it up
| Michael Jackson freak chapter 1 . 11/2/2011
sounds like an interesting start to an interesting story. i am very interested to see what follows.