|Reviews for Box|
| Ioga chapter 1 . 12/11/2011
Haw, amusing take on the quote-prompt. I didn't really even expect the abbreviation to be worked out later on - just opening an unknown box because it spells "safe" sounds like a rather unsmart thing to do.
I had some trouble parsing the statement "the box was so large that the opening at its top was taller than her hands could possibly reach". Maybe taller should be "higher up"? I.e. that it's not _long_ in vertical direction, but located high?
The mental image of a rabid Rottweiler being ferocious somehow struck me as conflicting. May be because the only Rottweiler I've known personally had all the ferocity of a cow on Valium. He enjoyed the big dog effect, look intimidating enough to not have to bother to act it, I guess. For me the scary feral dog is more like a Doberman, but I figure they're not feral either if properly trained. But I can see how a feral chihuahua wouldn't be optimal for this either. ;)
I'm fascinated by the concept of Pandora showing up and asking you to specify how you feel you've done something with your life, or risk immediate termination. Just suitably creepy! I'm really boggled at Sylvia not being able to come up with anything but TV watching though. I'm under the impression that even people who might look boring on the outside internally believe they're achieving at least something. But uhh, considering the Meeting Room, you're starting to shake the foundations of my projection. Brr.
"If only somebody had explained to her at the start that her life was supposed to have some kind of purpose, she might have made a stab at it." This is my very favourite line of this story. So very cruel! I get this image of a person who has been built to lie down like a rag doll until someone else pushes the "start" button. This is maybe the saddest picture drawn since the time I saw a grey plush kitty exactly like my own getting slowly buried in falling snow in a TV commercial that was trying to warn people against taking summer-holiday-cats. (That could be described as somewhat traumatizing too.)
Thanks for this!
(PS. Lessons learned today: Fictionpress censors didgeridoo imitations from reviews for being too long words, and probably therefore too much url-looking. Pfft.)
| A Fire Rose chapter 1 . 11/13/2011
Hi! Firstly, "Box" is an extremely plain title that does not grab interest. Secondly, "'Good afternoon Sylvia Childe. The name's Pandora, Pandora Jones, not the Pandora you're probably thinking of, but I too have a box, and well, as with the real Pandora's box, you'd have to be kinda stupid to open it,' a voice oozed out from the black cloud" is a really, really long run-on sentence You also misspelled "fetus." Aside from this, I found the story a bit disturbing - reminds me greatly of Hitler and those who resemble him by forcing a human being to justify their own existence with the threat to terminate them if they're deemed "not good enough" by some authority. Spooky. I did like illustrations such as the rabid rotweiller, etc.
| Silver Sparke chapter 1 . 11/9/2011
Nice take on the prompt!
The beginning was a nice hook and made me want to read more. I like the way you described her prying her eyes open. It's easy to connect to ;)
I love this line: "Feeling unabashed glee, she stabbed the line with all the ferocity of a rabid Rottweiler." It made me laugh so hard, and I don't even know why. The tone of it, along with the rest, is so...peculiar that it's funny.
The ending seemed a bit rushed, though, probably due to the word limit, but it was overall entertaining and well written! Good work and good luck in the WCC!
| Whirlymerle chapter 1 . 11/8/2011
Hi from the RG!
Wow! I love the creative direction you took this piece with, given the prompt. The exposition, as well as the writing, is pretty whimsical. And throughout the piece, I highly enjoyed the absurdity of the situation.
['I watched a lot of TV, that helped keep actors in gainful employment, I ate a lot of food, that kept the farmers busy, and I produced a lot of carbon dioxide, that gave the greenies something to protest about] This line really hit home for me. I really enjoyed the social satire you've inserted here. Not only are Sylvia's words funny, the irony here really gives readers something to think about and take away from, I think. We are kinda a pathetic race of people, in this day and age.
I'd recommend that you spell out "45," because I think writing conventions dictate that you spell out numbers less than 100.
Good luck in WCC!
| Dr. Self Destruct chapter 1 . 11/6/2011
Despite the seriousness of the content (how this story determines Sylvia's fate), I do like how you put a somewhat humorous tone in this (at least, that's what I thought, anyway haha). I really like how Pandora asks her to explain what contribution she has given to the world, because it makes me think Pandora is almost like St Peter determining if she'll make it into heaven or not.
And then there's always the subject of what makes a person worthy to live... and it brings up that sensation of fulfillment people generally search for during their lives (or at least anyone worth living searches for it). I found her answer to what she's contributed to the world quite humorous, and honestly, I can't find myself feeling bad for her when she was destroyed. Maybe I'm just a mean person... who knows? But I've always been a firm believer in people making something of themselves one way or another, whether it be a large contribution to the world, or even just being something special for at least one person.
I was actually thinking about something similar to this on my ride home from work today. There's this song called 'Dogma' by a band named KMFDM that kinda goes into something like this, though their interpretation is a lot more harsh and doesn't pull punches. I think you'd find it interesting, because I thought of it while I was reading this.
['How... how do you know my name?' Sylvia uttered with trepidation tripping off her tangled tongue.]
I really enjoyed the alliteration in this sentence. I also find it ironic how you use this alliteration in a statement talking about tongue tying, because the sentence itself is pretty hard to say, hehe.
Gonna be a bit nit-picky here. I noticed some filler words near the beginning of this one-shot, but after the first few paragraphs I didn't really notice any. Only two sentences really stuck out to me, gonna put them here:
[After succeeding [at this task], she was [nevertheless] none the wiser as to her location.]
[This let [just] enough light fall upon her two retinas for her to notice a torch at her feet.]
Style: Just suggesting to take out the bracketed words to tighten them up a bit. Those were really the only two things I noticed. :D
Really loved the description of Pandora coming out of the box like some black cloud. Made me think of Lost and that smoke monster, though I never really watched the show. It's a scary image, very vivid, and I enjoyed how you had it circling around the box like some kind of banshee - very spooky! Pandora's dialogue was also a joy to read.
I'll be sure to not open any boxes in the near future until I'm sure there's no evil monster hiding inside it...
Good luck in the WCC! :D
| Stephanie M. Moore chapter 1 . 11/5/2011
I thought this piece was clever. You don't offer a lot of explanation on the background of this situation, like for example what sort of world institutes this strange sort of purging. I think the vagueness works, though.
It's really clean, and you don't waste time with unnecessary words.
Pandora is quite appropriate, too. haha.
"'I watched a lot of TV, that helped keep actors in gainful employment, I ate a lot of food, that kept the farmers busy, and I produced a lot of carbon dioxide, that gave the greenies something to protest about.'"
That's too bad that the voice didn't like her answer. I thought it was pretty witty, considering her situation.
Interesting take on the prompt. More of a literal interpretation, I guess, with the acronym and everything, but I think it worked for this story.
Nice work. We definitely have a pretty strong field for this month's WCC. Best of luck, Dragon!
| cerebral1 chapter 1 . 11/5/2011
Love the ending!
Ate a lot to keep the farmers working-ha ha! I'm guilty of that, too. Ain't gonna open any large boxes, either!
Enjoyed the tone of this story; I knew Sylvia wasn't going to get out of this well.
Teaches you one thing:READ!