|Reviews for Outside the Wall|
| Griffinpixie chapter 1 . 11/6/2011
Whew, where to start. :) I've done so much reading lately I feel like my eyes are going cross-eyed.
I like the main characters name, it actually works better as a title for your story than Outside the Wall does.
You have many grammar and spelling errors that you will need to go back and edit. There are enough that it hinders the flow of your story.
I suggest re-arranging your first three chapters. Start with the chapter in the helicopter then move to the chapter introducing Scryer and then the chapter of the attack. Dumping the helicopter scene in the middle disjoints your story line. If you were writing this in word I would also suggest combining chapters one and three into one chapter. Some of your chapters are extremely short, only a few paragraphs long.
Let's see...you need to flesh out your world more. This is something I've been telling everyone though. It seems to me it's an alternate reality, not necessarily set in the future. Is it set on another earth like planet? Is there just one moon? One sun? Can you see the rings of some nearby planet in the sky every night? Scryer might not know exactly what's on the other side of the walls but he can see what's above him. Give a little history to the place. Tell the reader a bit about the world.
You also mention Salvation being a city yet you say there are only a couple hundred people out celebrating. A couple hundred people is barely big enough to constitute a town. A city usually dictates over a thousand people. If there's that many people, unless Scryer is making an extreme nuisance of himself he should easily be able to slip away in the chaos.
Scryer seems to be weak in a lot of ways. This is a good thing. This allows plenty of room for him to grow over the course of the story. Many times a new/young writer will make their main character too strong, too perfect. Flaws allows the character to grow.
That being said, he's never held a gun. He's never fired a gun. There is no way in a realistic sense that he's going to be a crack shot first time out of the bag. Give him some gun hunting experience at least. Basic gun handling knowledge.
Which brings me to weaponry. You are combining current day technology (and to some degree weaponry that's been around for decades) with technology that hasn't been invented yet (like the suits). Modern day techies are going to have all the recent gadgets for warfare and are not going to be carrying around bolt action rifles. You might want to consider jazzing up the weaponry (after all, it's an entirely made up world! Go crazy!) a bit to match the suits.
Which brings me to the suits. Cool, but not well explained. Why on earth would they only go to the jaw as protection and not all the way up like a deep sea diving wet suit would do? That seems like a serious design flaw to me. It also seems very much like Tron. You will want some kind of explanation as to HOW they protect a person, especially since it involves some sort of liquid they strap on to themselves in tank form.
You've got one really big plot line flaw in these first six chapters. Some of the time you make it look as if Scryer is special and that these rebels were actually looking for him specifically. Why would Amelia save JUST him otherwise? Why care at all? She goes to save him before he ever even holds a gun. The other half of the time you make it seem like they grab him because he's got some talent with guns (which ties back into what I just said about Amelia saving him before he shoots one) and it's just sort of happenstance.
I don't know which version is the accurate one you were going with but if he's special...you need to put more about that in there. How did they locate him? Why is he special? Why now? Why not a week earlier?
If he's not "special" and they just want him because he shows raw talent at warfare then you need to add a scene in where he demonstrates this BEFORE Amelia saves him. Perhaps he saves her on accident?
I like the idea of Amelia and Alex but they aren't developed very well as of yet. Amelia strikes me as a possible female Han Solo type. Which would be pretty cool. Alex I see more of a Private Hudson character from Aliens with a little more tact. Not the brightest bulb in the box but good for a laugh. You're going to want to work on fleshing these two out.
There is a lot more I could say but this is a good starting place and I really need to rest my eyes now. lol Hope it helps and I'm interested in seeing the difference between your current writing and what you have posted here.
| The Robin chapter 5 . 11/5/2011
I do quite love this.
| GingerNinja93 chapter 5 . 11/5/2011
Lovely story, can't wait to see where it goes. The background story is good and solid. The Characters so far have all been good for the sitution they're been in.
Scryer is an intersting character. Young, frustrated and now in a sitution completely unlike one he's been in before. It will be interesting to see how he reacts to new ones as they come up. Can't help but be looking forward to seeing Gaz more. The merc goods like ther perfert bad guy.
| Time Goes On chapter 4 . 11/4/2011
It's really good thus far, keep writing! I'm intruiged :).
| Mit Yesac chapter 3 . 11/4/2011
i like it please publish more chapters.
| Mit Yesac chapter 1 . 11/4/2011
The idea is'nt the most origanal but so far i like it! :D