|Reviews for As the Sun Rises|
| Amiri chapter 1 . 5/13/2012
I just want to reiterate that this is probably my favorite non-gay story of yours so I hope you're still writing. (And, honestly, depending on the time of day, it might just be my favorite. Or maybe that story you took down to publish. Ugh, I suck at remembering names, sorry it makes me sound really insincere.)
| Persnickety Fox chapter 1 . 2/5/2012
Belated greetings from The Roadhouse!
I think that this story has great potential. I like that the writing is clear and easy to follow. The characters grab my attention. Also, I like that the story has an unsolved mystery.
I found one scene-the scene wherein Anandi brings up the subject of Safiya’s true nature-rather confusing. Maybe by explaining why, I can help you somehow.
Anandi says that Safiya, her protector, is extraordinarily strong, fast, and skilled. It is hinted that Safiya had saved her from being murdered and has continued to do so for several years. She even knew that Anandi would need such protection. For a girl to have these abilities, “what are you” is a valid question to ask. But Anandi is shot down for trying to figure out the answer to this question. Safiya patronizes her by saying, “[learning my] secrets won’t help you. You’ll only be confused and upset.”
Because the conversation changes, that line becomes Safiya’s only (verbalized) defense as to why Anandi should be kept in the dark.
Yes, confusion and emotional upset are negative responses. But people can be confused and upset when they lose theirs wallets. After that, they move on. So far, Anandi has survived in extremely stressful conditions. I think she has proven she can handle temporary bafflement and dismay. Furthermore, Safiya shows no indication that disclosing her identity will somehow hinder her ability to protect Anandi, meaning that she’ll still be around to help Anandi deal with said emotions.
That’s why I find this scene confusing; I don’t quite understand Safiya’s reasoning. Her defense is valid to some extent. But I think the negative emotional reactions she uses to justify her secrecy can be amped up a few notches. Reasons to keep her identity a secret might include fear of abandonment, disillusionment, rage, betrayal, things like that. Or maybe Safiya won’t be able to protect Anandi if the secret is revealed. All in all, I think further brainstorming her defense can help establish what’s really at stake for Safiya and Anandi when it comes to Safiya’s identity.
Like I said, I like the writing and elements of the story. I hope this review helps. Keep writing!
| Chiscribe chapter 1 . 11/28/2011
In the future, you should avoid what I like to call "plot dump", which is basically stopping the current action of your story to go into backstory about what happened before. It's jarring, and could have been spaced out more after the letter. Speaking of the letter, maybe italicizing it would help
As far as grammar and punctuation went I thought it was fine (though I'm hardly one to critique that!) and the relationship and interaction between Anandi and Safiya felt real along with quirky dialogue (if I was imagining this as anything, it would be a Japanese Anime)
In all you got a fun little story here with two likable yet different characters. Like I said though, pacing of the plot is key.
| lalala445 chapter 1 . 11/18/2011
Love it so far! Anandi is a great character! I liked how you intruduced it but I feel like the letter could have been shorter. Oh, and in italics...
I didn't see any things that needed editing.
I can't wait to see where you go with the story!
~lalala445 (from the RH)
| I-am-happy chapter 1 . 11/15/2011
O.O Wow, You're dialogue was pretty much flawless, wording was fantastic, flow was pretty good with only a few little bumps. This was excellent.
I would put the letter in italics though, it would be more formal. Other than that I can't find much to complain about. This is pretty much awesome!
| all the lonely people chapter 1 . 11/14/2011
i really love this so far. anandi is a great character, and you can tell that something (bold underline) REALLY (/bold underline) exciting will happen in future chapters! very well written, planned-out and very descriptive. i'm looking forward to chapter 2 :)
| Silver Sparke chapter 1 . 11/14/2011
This is an interesting idea and not very cliche, so I commend you on that. There was the perfect amount of mysteriousness.
I think there were a lot of details that didn't need to be there, which made the chapter extremely long. You should go back and edit so that only what needs to be there is there.
I think your beginning could have been a little more creative and original, and that the letter could have been shorter, takin out the unnecessary details about the code of conduct etc. It should have also been italicized or something to that effect.
You could have even started with the descriptions of her abnormally guarded life, about the strange letters and why one family had 9 security guards. That, to me, is much more interesting than the letter from school.
Awkward wording: grabbing at her shoulders. I'd fix that.
Overall, well done.
| Amiri chapter 1 . 11/5/2011
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah! This is so good! I'm really - when is the next chapter going to come out?
Also, I don't think you meant for the bottom half to be all italics so maybe look into that? :D