Reviews for Beauty and the assasin
Revamp chapter 2 . 4/30/2013
I like the retelling assassin's point of view. He has such a sad past. I wonder how he'll deal with his conflicting feelings for the twins. I look forward to seeing your next installment.
Revamp chapter 1 . 4/30/2013
This was short and it has a few errors but nothing that couldn't be fixed by spell check. Also your dialouge was very bunched up, try seperating it so it doesn't look like such a massive paragraph.

I loved your characters and the flow of the story. You have a nice, developed cast and plot. Good job.
Anihyr Moonstar chapter 1 . 10/9/2012
I like that Ashley started to see beauty anew in her own house - familiar things - in ways she never had before after Steven's appearance. I think it's realistic, since it often takes being faced with a change or an outsider's perspective to see things in a new light.

I also like how you brought out the character of Ashley's father. Even in a short time, he comes off as a good man, but wary and protective of his family as it should be.

The typos in this are distracting. You don't switch to a new paragraph when you have a new speaker (which you should, always), and the prose itself feels a bit stiff. Especially at the beginning, there's so much time spent on describing base facts and appearances. I feel like I can't get into who the *are* because there's too much focus on more trivial details.

- Moonstar
Anxious Axolotl chapter 1 . 9/26/2012
The premise of this seems interesting, but I think you could write a much better opening than the one you have. Start off with something like [ I can remember the first time I meet him] and then work in the details after that. Although it can be good to get details out of the way so the reader can visualise the characters, they carry a lot more weight when a little bit about the character has been revealed. You also rehash several details of Ashley's appearance in the second last paragraph, so it's not really that necessary to have so many in the opening.

Don't forget to start a new line for every turn of dialogue, it'll really do wonders for your formatting! The dialogue itself was pretty good and I was chuckling at several lines.

Looking forward to reading more later.
Persevera chapter 1 . 9/26/2012
I don't like the vanity of Ashley. You might want to tone down some of her comments about how beautiful she is, unless you want people to dislike her.
I like the ending, with the girls taunting each other. It's cute that Steven asks their father, while it's still in progress, how long it can go on and he responds from experience with a time
Faithless Juliet chapter 1 . 9/26/2012
I don’t really care for how you opened this chapter. Revealing so much information about a character is both hard to do, and hard not to do. On the one hand you want to tell the reader how a character looks, but on the other hand when you list it like this it sounds contrite, especially from a first person POV. Does anyone really tell someone: “Yes, I have a smile that would make most men faint” it just doesn’t seem realistic to me. It also felt rushed, I would suggest slowing down, let the story build around you so that it reads smooth and natural.

I really liked how you worded Steven’s dialogue. I feel like it was a perfect example of showing rather than telling, because I got the sense that he was freezing by the way he worded things, as opposed to you telling me he was freezing. I also liked the overall mood of the chapter, it had a dreamy tone to it but I could also sense early on that danger was looming. Keep up the good work.

Much love,
Juliet.
Zxiong chapter 1 . 11/23/2011
I like how the family is happy, and how Steven falcon brightened up Ashely's life. it's a very cute story so far!