|Reviews for The McCallisters: Revenge: January 2009|
| haylee.jalyn chapter 1 . 5/10/2012
(Liked Libertas. Thought I'd read another.)
Really like this piece. The opening banter is wonderful. It was believable, smooth and set up character really well. Really, the whole pace of the story was wonderful. You stayed consistent the whole time, and I felt neither rushed nor bored.
Sometimes your change of perspectives can be quite jarring. I struggle with this a lot, so I understand. But try sticking to one character's POV for each section. You can insert a scene break for changes of perspective or smooth them somehow like that. But when you have as many characters running about in this story as you do, it would be easier for me as your reader to stick to one POV for a while before the [obvious] shifts happen.
"The hearty laughter was stifled as he rushed to the room" ... I'm not really sure who "he" is.
The conversation that begins with "Sarai is gifted in math..." ... the speaker gets lost in the dialogue. I need a couple tags here and there so I can keep better track of who's speaking.
"sign that read NurseClaudia" ... Space?
"voices of his family emerged into audibility. When he emerged into sight" ... change one of the "emerged"s.
"he sneaked RomeoandJuliet from" ... Spaces.
| Vivace.Assai chapter 1 . 3/10/2012
This story was so humorous. Once again, I enjoyed the "slice of life" style of your story. It is just like a regular day for this large family, though there are definitely many hi jinks and games of revenge.
It was kind of confusing how you introduced so many characters in this one story, but luckily, your list of characters on your profile helped me get through it all and sort all of the characters in my head.
Furthermore, I enjoyed the conversations in the story. The dialogue was fresh and reminded me of a conversation loving but also devious family members would have with each other. I like your story because everything is pretty real and raw. I don't know why you were concerned about your writing. It is brilliant. Though there is always room for improvement (since we are human beings and we are always on a quest to grow and become better in all our pursuits), your writing is done nicely.
Thanks so much for the great read! This family is definitely an interesting one, and I have a feeling that I will enjoy the other stories to come.
| S.R. Revel chapter 1 . 11/14/2011
Hi there! Thanks for reviewing my story. I thought I’d reciprocate and check out your work.
Before you read on, keep in mind, these are MY opinions, and this is YOUR writing. And as a member of FP for many years I believe we are all on here to grow as writers, and what better way to grow than have other people read and critique your work. I admit I am no expert, and I do not in any way feel my writing is superior to yours. Please do not interpret my tone as hostile or sarcastic. I am here for the same reasons you are...
I found the introduction did not pull me in like it should. My attention wasn’t grabbed and the conversation between Rearden and Liam was kind of droll. Plus I got annoyed at how many times Liam said Rearden name, when people actually talk to each other, watch them, see how many times they use the person’s name they’re talking to in a conversation. Not at all. I’m sorry this is a pet peeve of mine that many people do on here. You can tag dialog all you want. But when your characters tag another character in their dialog, it’s usually to grab their attention, since your character already clearly has his brother’s attention, I think you might want to go through and drop the name tagging.
There were parts of this I had to read over again because I couldn’t tell which brother was performing which action. And the fact that I don’t have any kind of description into their appearance, in your dialog, I couldn’t tell them apart, all four brothers had a similar voice.
I noticed your characters use “me” instead of “my” in some dialog, I don’t know if this is on purpose or not. If it is, oi-vey. If not, you need to reread your own work. I don’t know many ‘british’ accents that use ‘me’ over ‘my’
Overall, this chapter is well written. However the fact that your characters are tagging each other in dialog and sound all exactly the same when they talk, it seems to me that when you read this over you were still in author mode and not reader. I was confused thoroughly when I read this. There was little to no description about anything, so that may be what you’re lacking and the overall plot was a kind of a snore. I see the great potential locked in this story and I know you have the ability to tap into it. Now I may be just one of those readers who ‘just doesn’t get you’ which is fine, not everyone likes the chick who wrote Twilight either, so please, take my words as constructive criticism or not at all. Remember this is YOUR story and its ultimately YOUR choice on whether you agree with me or not.
| Findus chapter 1 . 11/13/2011
Hi from the RG.
I liked how you opened this, the usage of words very flamboyant, with the ‘crack of dawn, splitting the frigidity.”
Though I liked the style of your piece, your descriptions and the attention to detail, I have to confess I was a little confused meeting so many characters all at the same time. I honestly couldn’t keep track of who had the bunged up eye and who was chuckling over his breakfast tea. Maybe it could be an idea not to introduce so many all at once.
You had Calder, Rearden, Alastair, Eagan, Liam just in the first few phrases and then the mention of a girl who obviously is important to... well one or two of them. It makes me feel like I have jumped into the middle of a novel and skipped the first ten chapters.
Maybe if they are not absolutely vital to this specific story, cut them out, or consider introducing them one by one in a different way spreading them throughout this short chapter.
That being said, I really enjoyed your dialogue and found many original expression through out it. Particularly this one made me chortle into my coffee:
"You look like a choked smurf."
"It's violet! A choked smurf would
| Dr. Self Destruct chapter 1 . 11/13/2011
I noticed at the beginning of this story that you address the weather/surrounding foliage. Out of curiosity (and because I remember this being the same opening for another story of yours I read), I went back to check the other introductions you've used and found them to be very similar. I suggest switching it up a bit, maybe starting with a line of dialogue, a quote, a witty saying, or something that doesn't address the weather/surroundings. It's a good way of painting a picture, but it can also come across as cliche and overused.
I also enjoyed how in the dialogue you slip in some of the slang and colloquialisms of the people from this area/time. I think it helps build the setting through dialogue, as well as helps the dialogue not come across as so stiff - really adds some nice color to everything and gives it more depth. I think, on a whole, it made the dialogue a lot more interesting to read, and since this is a story heavy with dialogue (which isn't a bad thing, of course), it helped keep things more interesting.