love

Really enjoying this story so far, and glad to see a new chapter. The story picks up the stakes, and you've introduced a new character fairly well in a short scene. Good job, and looking forward to more.

I'm a fan of this series so far. The writer certainly knows the setting, the characters are original, and the setup is well written. The main gripe I have is the long update time, although that's about it.

You do not know how happy I am to find a story on this site that is A) worth reading again after a while of searching and B) inspired by ancient Mesopotamia, as per your summary.

Kala’s a solid character and I enjoy her straightforward nature. There is the sense she has had a storied life and I’m curious to learn more about that, her heritage in particular. I’m also liking the little bits you reveal about this setting as you go, the cities and towns, the peoples and their religious beliefs, the trader’s lifestyle, etc.

The Urbara incident was fun to read and I’m guessing the necklace is probably to blame in some way for it. Likewise, Kala’s encounter in Minzur with the anti-god.

I agree with AdviceFromAShoe about your style; quite economical, but still very engrossing. The only real hiccups for me are the occasional references Kala makes about her own appearance, one in regards to some earrings she wears and two about the color of her eyes. These are common foibles with amateur writers and I’ve seen much, much worse on FictionPress, so don’t feel too bad. Besides, they could easily be tinkered with a bit to feel more organic and serve a purpose in the narrative. My suspicion is they may have something to do with Kala being a Ganzere, but we’ll see.

Please keep writing! Genuinely well-written fiction is like a needle in a haystack around here.

And so the plot thickens. This little necklace seems to be carrying some bad ju-ju with it.

I've been enjoying your consistent, yet not overbearing, religious references. A solid faith system always makes a fantasy realm feel more dense and historic.

Again, lovely writing. There was the occasional line where maybe a word or two could have been cut, but they were few and far between and didn't detract from my understanding of the action. At the end, though, where it says "Once this was done with satisfaction", perhaps you meant "to satisfaction". But all up, this story is coming along at a nice brisk pace, and is so easy to read that I might continue doing so, if that's okay.

You've got a very nice style of writing - clean, not overly embellished, yet still containing plenty of descriptive wonderment that sets up the world clearly and efficiently.

I'm liking Kala so far. It's always good to have a female-in-a-male-world who simply shrugs off the whole female-in-a-male-world aspect of her character. Too often you find feminists bogged down by their inner turmoil at trying to break free of gender constraints, so top marks for that. Obviously there's something special about her, being the only one to see the importance of the necklace, so I'm interested to see where you take that...unless I've just swung and missed there, which happens more often than not.

One line did require a double reading from me:

"when the white sails of well-travelled ships are visible just up ahead, bobbing up and down against the orange and pink sky and promising unimaginable haul within their wooden hulls."

Perhaps removing one of the 'ups' and replacing the 'and' before "promising unimaginable haul" with a semi-colon or, if you're feeling particularly brave, just a comma itself. That was about the only thing I could see. Very nicely done. On to chapter dos.

This seems like a very interesting story. Good introduction and very few grammatical errors. I can't wait to read more.

-Raven-