|Reviews for Blossoms|
| L. C. Brissette chapter 4 . 12/11/2012
Hello Alex! You had asked me to read your story, so here I am.
I think the premise is very nice for starters; however, one element in a story that is much more important than place is time, and culture according to that time. I am confused as to when this is taking place because of the pop culture references and Western slang; however, I also know that Egypt has not had a pharaoh for a long time. I think thy this story should be more serious, with less sarcasm and more "old English". Pharaohs do not get flustered very easily, and when they do it's not a good sign either; they don't normally marry outside the family, but that's why I think it's a nice story ;) (but, perhaps instead of having it told as an anecdote by Ramses and Jade, you could tell it in real time and focus more on the controversy it would cause in both countries?)
Furthermore, I do not like the numbers thus far; when pricing objects, I think a good place to stop is the American National Debt, sweetheart :) we can tell the doors are expensive, perhaps instead of giving them a price you could tell us what they are made of? Some exotic materials, perhaps?
The half-a-pharaoh joke is also somewhat old. I think it was cute when the triplets were teasing him, but not as an official title. Not to mention there haven't been that many pharaohs in the history of the world, so I think toning it down to a simple X or XI will suffice. If you do decide to tell the story in real time if you rewrite this, maybe it could be a jeer concocted by the public after the discovery of his love for the Empress. (Or maybe they just don't like him.)
These amounts and comedies do not have to be exaggerated; they are just like spices, just enough is tasteful, whereas too much is overwhelming and somewhat ruins the dish. Besides these things, I think the tale is quite nice!
- L. C.
| thesarius chapter 8 . 5/6/2012
Overall, a very original story; in particular, the futuristic way each of the points of view are described, such as the allusion to Star Wars and the For Dummies books. It works for you in that it makes the story different and interesting, but it also works against the story by making it hard for the reader to get transported into Ramses and Jade's world. I believe this a reason why some may find it a bit confusing. You can easily counteract it by just going into more depth in each chapter, such as how the characters are feeling in addition to reacting to the situations. In other words, further humanize the main characters.
Anyways, a very interesting read. Thanks again for reading and reviewing my story.
| thesarius chapter 4 . 5/6/2012
A very light-hearted story and an interesting concept of setting Egypt against China. I wonder what would've happened. One thing that really strikes me is how forgiving Ramses is of Mei. Forget the betrayal, even just painting his chariot rainbow for a good laugh. Anyways, keep going with it!
| romancelove20 chapter 8 . 3/11/2012
Another great funny chapter. Now i'm wondering what Rameses hads in mind
| romancelove20 chapter 6 . 2/15/2012
wow and the war begins lol that whole 99 bottles of beer on the wall was funny.
| romancelove20 chapter 5 . 2/15/2012
wow thats funny she works for both of them lol nice to hear from her perspective so far she's my fav character
| romancelove20 chapter 4 . 2/15/2012
That whole painting the rainbow was funny.
| romancelove20 chapter 3 . 2/15/2012
So he's starting a battle with her country? And she's a demi god, which is cool.
| romancelove20 chapter 2 . 2/15/2012
I like young ramses too. I'm looking forward to how he plans to overtake china and get his money.
| romancelove20 chapter 1 . 2/15/2012
I like how this story starts with the pharaoh and his children. I found his interaction with his kids amusing. A great first chapter :)
| gingerroot15 chapter 1 . 2/5/2012
Luuuuuuuv it. _
| Kalista Jia chapter 1 . 1/15/2012
The story is adorable! I am fond of the princesses.
The interaction between Jade and Ramses is very cute as well. The only thing I find strange is the name Jade. I know it's a beautiful character and meaning in Chinese but perhaps it would be better to spell it in Chinese romanization rather than it's direct translation. You can say the beautiful empress of China is called XX that signified Jade in its language.
Other than that, I like their name. I think they are quite unique (well... Ramses being Ramses) lol
PS.I'm sorry it took me that long to review when you have so nicely asked me so. I've been very busy.
So yes, keep up the good world. It's quite rare to find story happening in Egypt! I like that concept.
| Dreamgirl32 chapter 1 . 1/7/2012
Alright, you've got a good opener here but it leaves the reader in a bit of a awkward place. See they're intreged but at the same time, it's confusing WHEN this story is goin to take place. You'd think that it's in the past and is just a father telling a story. But you usually don't give a description of what a character looks like unless they're going to play an important role at some point in the story. Also, by starting in the future, you've taken away that element of 'What's going to happen next' because you already know, right off the back. And without that, you'll lose the attention of a lot of readers.
I really don't mean to sound critical but I'm just trying to give you some advice that can could come in handy in the future. The whole element of ancient Egypt is just such a rich area to work winth it would seem like a waste to see a story of done to it's fullest.
You have a good plot here and I do want to read more.
By the way. Did you watch the 'House of Anubis' season 2 opener?
| Aphroditethatsme chapter 7 . 12/19/2011
And go Dummies!
| Jackie the Giant chapter 7 . 12/18/2011
Except for the fire-breathing part, Aphis reminds me of one of my cats. :)
Also... Yay for pirahnas! XD