|Reviews for Straight and Too Narrow|
| My Parakeet Has Issues chapter 2 . 8/21/2012
This last part progressed a little quickly for me. From the first half it was building up nicely, but then it just suddenly jumped to Phil making the decision to injure Luke's leg. I think I would have liked to see more of a transition of Phil's thoughts, when and how he went to simply being jealous and disliking the guy to actually thinking about and deciding to actually 'cause him bodily harm. I think this would make the mood of the story less jumpy from the first chapter to the second.
In the first half of this chapter, up until Luke actually falls off of the log, I feel like Phil mentioned "his plan" a bit too much. It seemed like every other sentence he would say "it was all part of my plan." I mean, you literally only said that sentence once, which seemed kind of cliche to me, but Phil referred to his plan a bit too much. It got too repetitive. I think this also made the lack of transition (in Phil's thoughts about Luke) more obvious.
After Luke died, the story got very rushed and disorganized to me. I got kind of confused because it went from him pointing a gun at his parents, to being at the funeral and his parents didn't know yet...Also, concerning the sentence about the gun, I feel like that is kind of extraneous. The gun, I mean. There's no other reference as to why he has it, or where he got it. There's no other indicator in the previous parts of the story that Phil even owns or would know where to get a gun. I feel like it was just added for affect and isn't really needed.
I don't really believe the emotion that Phil feels upon realizing that he killed Luke. Yes, he seems shocked and horrified at himself, but the words used don't really make me feel that, or emphasize with Phil. I think if there was more imagery in this story, including more than what things look like, would get the reader even more involved in the events unfolding. For example, when Phil realizes that Luke is dead, it would be great if you included what he FELT: Did he clam up, did he start trembling, did he feel sick in his stomach? This would really connect the reader to the story. If you described the running a bit more, it would also give the story some depth. Running is (obviously) very physical. Describe the feeling of the muscles working, the sweat dripping down Phil's face as he tries to catch up to Luke. Stuff like that. D
I do like that you included Phil's reasoning as to why he went to the police and why he is admitting that he killed a person when he could have easily passed it off as an accident. I was afraid you were just going to end the story when Phil revealed how Luke died. But you didn't, and I'm glad that there was more closure.
You ended this story with "I wanna call Antara." This line has the potential to be very powerful, if you added more about Phil's feelings for his girlfriend. He does mention that they reached the point of saying "I love you" but there's nothing that suggests that Antara is all the special.
Overall, nice story! I enjoyed reading it. The flow and voice of it got me hooked from the beginning. I feel that there could be more details about Phil's actual emotions, his thought process, and how he feels physically to really make the reader feel involved in the events that they're reading. Although it got a bit rushed and jumbled towards the end, it still came to a nice closing.
My Parakeet Has Issues
| My Parakeet Has Issues chapter 1 . 8/21/2012
This definitely kept me reading the entire time, and I'm probably going to hit the "next" button when I'm done typing this. I think it's because the diction and syntax is so conversational, which is obviously what you're going for. I think it's interesting that you chose to have Phil talk directly to the "officer". I'm wondering how he killed him...If it was planned or out of rage...I suppose I better keep reading!
I don't really have any critiques unfortunately, but I think that's just because the flow of the story has me wanting to read for the fun of reading, so I'm not analyzing it too much. But if I notice something in other chapters, I'll be sure to let you know.
| caapt.donavin chapter 1 . 7/15/2012
I really liked your writing style here. How you would interject with the really random thing that would remind us that he was telling the story to the officer. How you never really tell us weather Phil killed the kid or if he was just a suspect. Oh just marvoulouse. really marvoulouse.