|Reviews for When Elements Collide|
| thegreatredpanda chapter 1 . 8/25/2013
I like the idea so far and will continue ahead! I love fantasy and romance combos so this story is a plus. I like the introduction part aka part in italics. There was a slight confusion for me over the first part where her bother mentions the mom being gone but then the mom reappears later in the chapter after the italic part without mentioning when she arrived back.
| Janthisse Poeroehita chapter 30 . 5/11/2013
| Kerry chapter 29 . 5/9/2013
An interesting premise. Would have liked to have had the world/ culture of the elemental gods explored more fully. Also found the timeline a little jumpy at times. Needs some major editing but I think this story should eventually be published.
| Kerry chapter 1 . 5/9/2013
Some typos spotted -"Fire Gods are are" "make think of me"
I also suggest you double check your verb tenses.
| Terras1fan chapter 29 . 4/7/2013
All right. Time to give a full review.
This wasn't bad at all. Good story, with some decent plot points. No real character Mary Sue-ness from our female lead. Which is great. (:
The big problem for me was the beginning. If I wasn't so completely incapable of sleeping tonight, I would have jumped away from the first chapter of this story like I touched a hot stove. Having the whole "lemme explain the background" and "character self-introduction" is really annoying as a reader. It's having the author say-here's what I can't explain through the story, so I'm just going to make you read boring background notes. From what I read if you started right after the introduction, it was a great start for the story. If you completely erased that section, honestly I think I would have understood everything that was going on. Trust that your readers are smart to catch on these things.
Oh, and don't break the fourth wall. I think you did in the first chapter as well. It's frustrating, and jarring. It takes you out of the narrative, and out of the story world that you have taken so long to produce. Don't do it. Please.
Oh, and then you had that self-introduction, and it feels like you are cramming these ideas of how we should feel about the female lead. Readers want to reach their own conclusions about characters. You have a large part in how we receive them, by writing them in interesting ways with flaws and failures and successes. Show us what your character is don't tell! Plus, I was still confused in the story, because even with your self-introduction, I had no clue how old this girl was until near the end! Plus, if she is seventeen, shouldn't she be graduating that year? Or is she seventeen as in junior? Got to show me these details. Could be as simple as her getting her school schedule and the secretary saying: "Name and year?" "Edana. Sophomore." "All right, take a seat."
Anyways, this all boils down to: Tell is bad. Show is good.
Okay, sorry about that. Needed to be said. I liked your story, so fix that chapter please. I never would have read the rest if this hadn't been an insomniac night.
Revision Advice? Do a thorough reading of this story. Print it out, bring a highlighter. You have a lot of mistakes that are just typo. For example, after the breakup Gabi comes to see our female lead, the dialogue says something like: "Hey, it's mom said you were here." I reread it three times before I realized Gabi was saying: "Hey, it's Gabi. Your mom said you were here." Or something of that effect. Reread!
Furthermore, you definitely aren't as descriptive as I would like. When Arlen brought her to his house for that homework assignment, you made it sound like they were no where near her place. At least from what I recall. But then later, they are practically next door. You have to give the reader a better understanding of the location. No need to draw a map or get too verbose. Just give me a better idea of what say, Kenneth looks like, or is the house huge? Does the city seem to smell musty and damp to our female lead because it's Seattle? What does she feel like when there is water on her? Why is it so important for her to remain warm? It sounded serious by Kenneth's concern when she broke up with Arlen. So what the hell there?
Anyways, these are just story enrichen-ers . I give you a 3 out 5. Higher if you fix these problems. Especially that first chapter. I never continue reading stories that start off that way. Imagine how many possible readers you've lost because of that!
Oh, last note: your summary was decent but by saying she is entering a "Water God's" world. I thought you literally meant realm. I was so lost on where she was (see point about description/location being necessary). Maybe you could say: "Now she was forced to move to Seattle, a Water God's wet dream." The usage of wet dream amuses me. You might not find it funny, but hey, I have strange humor. But you get my point right?
| Kaeli Alice Marie chapter 30 . 2/8/2013
AMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAAAAAA AAAAAAAZING STORY
LOVED LOVED LOVED it :)
ITS AWESHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMM..
| ClosetReader chapter 2 . 12/30/2012
Meh. Not a fan of how rude she is acting.
| Alaeryel chapter 29 . 12/15/2012
OK FIRST I VOTE-I like the idea of the first story myself! NOW THE REVIEW-this chapter had my heart skipping through it all-they are in college and still in love-EXCEPTIONALLY DONE and I AM THRILLED AT IT! It also BROUGHT TEARS TO MY EYES and I still am not ready to let this story end so with your permission-I am going to let my mind, imagination and daydreams continue on with my little continuation of the story-not writing just more the daydreams-that is how my story came about-I kept daydreaming then one day decided to take the plunge and try to write it! Atleast your characters will remain alive and well in my mind!
YOU NEED TO SEE HONESTLY ABOUT HAVING THIS STORY PUBLISHED by Amazon or some other publishing company Jess-this is BEYOND THE PERFECTION!
| Alaeryel chapter 28 . 12/15/2012
OMG Jessie-one I cannot believe this story has come to its close-I am not ready for it too BUT as they SAY 'ALL GOOD THINGS MUST COME TO AN END' and I guess this story has except for the epilogue of course! I ADORED how you worked the the title into this story-you are right-IT DOES MAKE IT PERFECT! YOU HAVE DONE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL JOB ON THIS STORY and I am going to tell you something-YOU REALLY REALLY NEED TO SEE ABOUT GETTING THIS PUBLISHED-HONESTLY! I really believe this can be a HUGE HUGE SUCCESS FOR YOU!
| Juliet Scar chapter 29 . 12/6/2012
I loved this story sooo much! Damn u! I've been so obessed with this i didnt do my math work ;) oh, and i vote for story #2 the one about the band girl! U really should publish a books or at least print out ur books to keep on ur bookshelf :) Good Luck! I really hope u dont lose ur passion and forget about fictionpress because u have talent!
| Guest chapter 29 . 12/3/2012
| Guest chapter 29 . 11/28/2012
Omg yaaaay! Edana Hlynn (: 3
Can I vote both Story 1 and 2... ok. I pick Story 1, only cuz I'm a sucker for romance stories _
| Annonymous chapter 29 . 11/24/2012
I loved the last chapter! And I vote Untitled. :)
| xxWiingsxx chapter 29 . 11/23/2012
Awww! I love this couple. So damn cute! So I've been reading and not reviewing, but now that there's time to vote, I must put in my choice.
I vote you publish story 2!
| RubyRed22 chapter 29 . 11/23/2012
Awww, two years... AND THEY'RE STILL SO CA-YUTE! I enjoyed reading this so much; I'm sad that it's over! :'(
Oh, and I definitely like the second story better! Good luck. ;)