|Reviews for Voices for the Voiceless|
| My name is Ailis chapter 1 . 12/18/2013
MUAHAHA Love it
| The Autumn Queen chapter 1 . 11/15/2012
[Red. Blue. Red. Blue—that's the sight of fate barreling toward you.] - I really like the rhythm you set up there; it gave it a sort of poetic structure, which sets it up nicely to crumble later on in the fic, particularly with that bold in the second last line - repetition again but a totally different effect. However, I do feel (although this is entirely nit-pricky of me) that the "toward" drags it out a tad, and just a plain "to" would work with the rhythm better when I say it out loud. It matches the red/blue dimeter better.
Paragraphs two to four seem a little overly detailed for this situation; I think it would have been more effective if you left the raw nature follow through instead of getting into concrete descriptions. The biting and the splintered wood's one thing - that's perfectly fine - but [breathing the carnage wrought by a god] - I think it would have been more effective just going direct than trying for inner subtlety (I know this sounds weird coming from me considering I always drag out my prose, but...). But those few paragraphs lose the rawness that comes back after a little while, so it made me want to skim over them.
Nicely written though. Nice dive into his mind.
| ConfusedSoAmI chapter 1 . 7/21/2012
This was very well written :) I like it!
| mingsquared chapter 1 . 4/6/2012
Your details are excellently written. "Boots of authority", "red and blue lights", these sound much more professional than just cop, police cars. I was a bit confused by the plot and I had to read it a second time to understand. Overall I think it's excellent and you captured the insanity aspect very well. There were a few places when you used "don't" instead of "didn't". Not sure if you left it like that intentionally or by accident. It sounds a bit awkward.
| Saeyre chapter 1 . 3/16/2012
I'll admit, this one had me pretty confused-I'm not the sharpest crayon in the box. I had to read the end twice because I missed some key details, like the police officer using the name "Marc Goldberg." But once it all fell into place, I had to give you a silent round of applause. In hindsight, this was masterfully written.
I was a little preoccupied while reading with thinking about what a terrible psychiatrist Dr. Goldberg was, between the Rorschach tests and so easily falling for the ranting of his patient. (To be fair, it's really hard to write those "villain with a silver tongue" moments in narration-they work much better in film) But again, as soon as I realized that he had good reason to crack, it made sense.
My only other complaint with it is that some of the imagery in the beginning seemed a little cliche. Police sirens, blood everywhere, crazy murderer standing over the bodies-ok, I've seen that before on a few different crime shows. However, I think it's fitting that it started off in a fairly standard-if dark!-way, considering that you needed to set up the twist at the end. Overall, this was definitely worth a read, or two.
| DutchAver chapter 1 . 2/3/2012
Ah, Doctor Goldberg uses the test with the inkblots? As a psychology student, I can't help but nitpick - the inkblot-test is outdated and is no longer used, for a while already. Anyway, on to the plot...
It was a surprising twist to find out it wasn't Marc, but doctor Goldberg who killed them all - though I wonder why Marc has been locked up. You very gradually switch from POV... and I don't really like it, it's confusing to see who is narrating what now. Nah, I think this is my least favorite of your one-shots.
Still, the writing is good, and you describe the insanity scarily well. But I won't repeat myself.
See you next time!
(Could you please review the third chapter of I Never in return? Thanks in advance)
| The Lucy Program chapter 1 . 2/2/2012
MPD/DID stories always make me smile :D
You've done an excellent job here. If you read it twice, you can pick up on little easter eggs like the gun having run out of bullets. You portrayed both characters of Dr Goldberg really well, and I really got the distinction of two people inside of one broken man. The insanity here was captured perfectly.
Your transitions were also easy and smooth. By the end you're aware that the scene in the middle happened only in his head, but even so the transitions from scene to scene are fairly nice and easy to understand. It also helps with the image of his insanity.
Overall excellent short! You've got a really nice piece here. :)
| Adrian StClaire chapter 1 . 2/2/2012
I love you're imagery, you're very good at first person. You definitely have a handle on showing, and not telling.
The only thing (and its been mentioned before), the scene changes are hard to follow
| Kael chapter 1 . 2/1/2012
All I can say here is: You only get better. First person is your gift. (And, to be cliche) Use it.
| cerebral1 chapter 1 . 12/10/2011
Alright; I read this twice because it's so layered I wanted to catch hints I missed on the first read-through.
First of all, I can't help but see Johnny Depp's movie "Secret Window" when I read this. Great premise, and well executed.
As always, you paint your scenes with perfect descriptions: "boots of authority."
"...those red and blue lights bleed in through the windows and crawl up the walls."
"...an inescapable labyrinth of tests and handcuffs."
"Their souls drip from his smile." (That was my first clue, too.)
I could go on and on. You dropped enough clues for the reader to pick up on.
I had a little trouble changing from scene to scene, and person to person; can't really suggest how to clarify that more except by leaving those dreaded spaces or scene change marks you're not a fan of :) But still the story and plot were easy to follow.
I like the explanation of the gun running out of bullets before the task was completed. ( I did not catch that on my first run through).
All in all, once more you raise the bar for other writers. Well done!
| Nesasio chapter 1 . 12/7/2011
Really cool take on the prompt. I like shift in power between the two personalities as the story progresses, from the doctor directing things to the sociopath turning things around on him. I liked how he was pretty much just screwing with him at first, then basically bashing the doctor over the head with that revelation.
The only thing that felt a little strange to me was the characterization of the dominant personality/ the sociopath. Overall, it seems like he's cold, collected, generally apathetic to the world, which is good. But there're a few reactions, particularly in the beginning when the doctor snaps him out of the memory, that it seems like he's genuinely shaken by what he's remembering. That seemed a bit off to me, but it could just be my opinion.
Nice job and good luck in the WCC!
| Only an old bard chapter 1 . 12/6/2011
I like the way that you made the images so lifelike and surreal; one would feel as if he or she was in a dream if this happened. I didn't like that it was hard for me to know what was going on. The switch between the killing and the doctor made sense, but going the opposite way confused me a lot. It also confused me about the character- he has multiple personality disorder, right? But isn't it the same person who feels liberated at the beginning and guilty at the end? I am confuse D:
| Harlequinn Ashford chapter 1 . 12/6/2011
For a second I thought that said Santas lap. Anyway love the phrase 'My body is a cage' good song by that title. this felt like a mix between Fight Club and 12 Monkeys, supreme kind of mind fuck. Loved it all the way.
| Stephanie M. Moore chapter 1 . 12/5/2011
I like your opening sentence. It introduces the conflict with some fantastic images and enough mystery to push the read further into the piece.
"As my grip tightens on my pistol and a tear rolls down my cheek, I wish I could see where it leads."
I didn't notice this the first time I read this piece, and I think this is a great way to introduce the narrator's emotional state.
You do a wonderful job of appealing to the senses. There are so many great descriptions scattered through here- the taste of iron, the crimson tar, the feel of metal, and the look of the rooms. I also like the repetition of the question "What do you see?" throughout. The way you twist it feels like a reflection of his mental state.
That's a mind-bender right there. So, if I understand this correctly, the doctor has multiple-personality disorder and killed his family. But he doesn't realize it until the end. So I assume that the mental assessment was an imaginary scenario. When the personalities come together feels like such a powerful moment, because for the reader, all of a sudden it comes together.
This was such an interesting piece. I loved the psychological element and your interpretation of the prompt. Awesome piece. Good luck with the WCC!
| Laoch chapter 1 . 12/5/2011
Dark, twisted and gritty. I love it.
Firstly, I greatly enjoyed the character of Marc. He's got... spunk and sarcasm and just something else that makes him loveable and hateable at the same time. And he's so very believeable its scary.
But, I did notice that this came out very scattered. And not in the way a piece like this would come out, because I know in this context, that's sort of what should happen. I don't know if it's something that should be changed or anything, but I just found myself going in a circle a time or two. But then again, it happens a lot to me.
As well, I liked the use of the prompt. It was different from the others I've read and in a good (albeit dark) way.
[It's only fitting I stay to watch the lingering light leave their eyes.] A good phrase, but I feel as though it's too vague. Perhaps adding 'should' between 'I ... stay'. It might work a little better.
Good luck in the WCC!