Reviews for Daniel knight
Revamp chapter 1 . 4/30/2013
While I have read your other stories and I think this makes a nice addition, I believe it might have been better as an extension of the story and not a stand alone piece. If you wanted to make it stand alone you would need to provide more background so your reader would not have to read Book One Secrets to figure it out. It makes things easier for the reader.

I love the telekinetic power to manipulate objects and use them as weapons. I love this character in general and the fact that you made a one shot about him is lovely. I'd love to se others as well.
professional griefer chapter 1 . 10/8/2012
I didn't like the first paragraph because you expect the reader to have read and retained everything else of yours, and that's quite an expectation. Instead of slacking off and basically saying 'read the other stuff', you could probably just have re-explained things.
Also, one formatting thing, whenever you have a line of dialogue you typically start a new paragraph.
I didn't like the length of the paragraphs, they're really chunky and kind of intimidating.
And everything just feels like an infodump. I think it would work better if you opened with some kind of action instead of paragraphs of character information.
Anihyr Moonstar chapter 1 . 9/27/2012
I like that you seem to have a developed story for this character. You bring in multiple past events and other characters that are part of the narrator's life and that gives the story some depth.

However, I feel like the fact that you start immediately off by bringing up all these other books/stories of yours of required background and "assuming" that the reader knows them is very awkward. Not only does the reader not necessarily know any of those things, but it also knocks them out of the world of the story when they're reminded that this is really just a story we're reading on a computer screen, not something happening before our eyes.

Your third paragraph is huge - thirteen lines long - and needs to be broken up. Every time you switch to a new speaker, you should start a new paragraph, and there are quite a few spelling/grammatical errors in this. I would recommend finding a beta to help you clean stuff up a bit before you post in order to make it look more like a finished product.

- Moonstar
Marla's Found chapter 1 . 12/5/2011
Seems like a good story but not exactly in my story preferences - still keep up the good work!