|Reviews for Disaster in the Making|
| justendthisaccount chapter 1 . 12/8/2011
So I was going to give you some constructive criticism, but then I saw someone already mentioned what I was going to. So I figured it would be an annoying echo if I said the same stuff again. xD
Anyway, I like the story concept here. I think it has great potential to be a decent story. The only thing I'd like to see is some more emotion from the characters.
Good luck with writing!
| Bridgette Cecile chapter 1 . 12/7/2011
I really like the premise of the story. I'm game for anything that zombies, but you did a lot of repeating in first couple of paragraphs about what she had left to eat, like the canned goods, and canned goods, and you kinda of contradicted yourself.
"All I had was two water bottles and a 12 pack of soda pop, and just some canned goods. I had some bottles of water and a few soda cans, and a thing of alcohol that my parents and older brother used to drink."
You need to look for things like this and do a little more showing and less telling. Show us how Xavier and the narrator are best friends, instead of just telling us, and the line about him being like the older brother she never had can be cut, since as she said, she has an older brother.
One other thing I have a critique (I promise I've got positive to say about the chapter too) is that she seems awfully happy to have just lost both her parents and to have been abandoned by her brother. I don't know anyone who would be so carefree, giggling with a friend, only a week or so after becoming an orphan.
That said, I did like the chapter. I like the premise and the narrator's determination to kill the zombies now that they've hurt her best friend's family. I didn't mean to critique as much as I did, and you're welcome to take or leave my comments, but I'm an English major in college, so it's a little hard to stop sometimes.
Anyway, I really did enjoy the chapter, and I'll read more if you post more!
| xeroFruit chapter 1 . 12/6/2011
Great story Lonnee! I cannot wait for you to post more, I mean, so far Xavier is my favorite character. [: