|Reviews for Fear|
| Project Fiction chapter 1 . 12/30/2012
My name is Ariel and I’m part of ProjectFiction’s staff. PF is a site that looks for, and recognizes, good fiction around the web. We link to stories (and take nominations from authors and readers out there), look for betas, put up writing guides, and a lot of other cool things. What do I do there? Well, I work in PF as a reviewer, basically going around picking stories to read and, obviously, review. Your story Fear is one of them. Hopefully, the feedback I can give you will be of use to you.
Your punctuation is done very well, but watch where you put some of those commas. In some places they are needed, but in others, they technically aren't needed. However, you do a great job placing your semi-colons correctly.
Your sentences are smooth and flow nicely and I love how you began the story by describing his fear, then caught us up in to the then and now part of the story. The description of feeling was amazing to read. As sad as the story was, those feelings seemed real... very real. I also found it interesting to read the part after he died. It proved to be a very unique perspective on the subject and it kept my attention. It left me thinking, it got me curious and I honestly just can't get the fear of that out of my head.
Overall, there weren't any spelling or things I would fix. Normally I'd go into detail about all sorts of description, but I really like the way you wrote this and I love the way you portrayed the character's feelings. As for the title, it's perfect. It leaves you fearing what could happen, because in all honesty, nobody wants to spend an eternity like that.
I hope this helped!
| Skyward Ending chapter 1 . 8/20/2012
Interesting work. I liked it. It embodies a fear that most of us have: being buried alive, and being in the body but unable to move or escape and puts in the character's position of realizing that there are worse things than death. Despite the morbidity of it all, there were parts that made me laugh. I think some of the cursing was unnecessary (though I'm a bit of a sailor myself)-particularly in the beginning and toward the end-and took away from the parts where the language intensified the action.
I really liked your last line, how it emptied into a feeling of hollowness that was very fitting of his predicament.
Thing: should've been peek, not peak.
| The Autumn Queen chapter 1 . 6/28/2012
You've chosen a very interesting topic to write about. And you've done it well. Your summary was particularly eye-catching; if I saw this on the archives instead of the RG forum, I would have still clicked on it.
It's funny how you started with such a simple statement, almost universal, and still made it intriguing. Perhaps because it's so relatable. A single sharp statement, and then following it up with some background info. So no dragging beginning, and yet still all the info you needed to portray.
[It was the unknown, I think, that really got to me.] - I find the syntax of this sentence rather odd, and since it's so close to the beginning, it had a bit of a jarring effect on me.
[I had shit to concentrate on,] - I find it odd that that was thrown in out of nowhere. It takes quite awhile for the next curse-word to show up, so it doesn't really fit in with the narrative voice if you use it so sparingly. While the second one is understandable in context, this one could easily be reworded to fit better into the voice.
[And with that, came another realization; I could see, I could feel, I could hear.] - Should that be: "And with that, I came to another realisation: I could see, I could feel, I could hear."? (sorry for the Australian spelling; it's just too plain awkward to type)
Ironic this guy is narrating from the coffin.
| Corinna Tate chapter 1 . 12/24/2011
There are not too many people who don't have some fear of death. If not fear, then a healthy dose of self preservation. Most people are just hoping to finish living their lives before it comes for them.
Your character on the other hand, is more worried about what happens afterward. This invites so many religious comments, but I won't go there.
The nameless fear; fear of the unknown. Your character has built this almost into a phobia.
As I read, I knew he was going to be challenged on this. I was really pulling for him, especially when he did the right thing, and didn't back away or flee from what happened. He really tried, and it seems Karma should have been on his side. Perhaps the phone would have been a better choice than a knife?
I guess it's the way you wrote this that makes me want it to have some kind of positive outcome. You wrote him so well; he's a likable guy. He's everyman. He could be a neighbor, a brother, the guy who does your taxes. He's so normal and affable, he could be any one of us. You get inside his head pretty well.
I think any time you confront the idea of what happens to us when we die, it can make people squeamish. Whole religions and cultures spring up on this concept alone. The idea of continuing to exist sounds great, but not if you're stuck in the body that failed you.
I've seen the idea of immortality played out to the point that it's a curse, when you just want to die, and stop existing. You've given us a glimpse of an afterlife that would be truly horrible.
Nice job on all the details as well. I liked the way he disparages his own intelligence. I also like the sneaking up the stairs, trying not to make noise.
| The Hiddenworlder chapter 1 . 12/8/2011
Wow. Amazing, I really really loved it. I like the scene and then the depiction of death.
| YasuRan chapter 1 . 12/8/2011
The second half of the piece was the real clincher for me. That's a horrific thing to happen to anyone, to have to endure something like that for all eternity.
I liked how he wanted to keep his eyes open to face Death. It seemed like he finally wanted to face his greatest fear in his final hours. But it turns out to have terrible consequences, despite the bravery of his actions. There is really no redemption for him, even at the end, and that's just the chilling tragedy of the piece. There's no glorious finale in Heaven for our regular Average Joe protagonist; it's the price for his one act of courage.
As you can tell, this left quite the impact on me :). Very well thought-out and delivered. Bravo!
| Inkspilled chapter 1 . 12/7/2011
That was so powerful. I loved that twist at the end, it was so dark and really terrifying in a way. I never would have expected it to end like that. I quite liked your character, and how it ran like a monologue. It was like conversing with the main character, you could empathize and understand. And the little details, "We kept our keys in a little green ceramic bowl by the door", were really useful in learning about these people.
The whole situation was like a nightmare, or a movie. It was gruesomely real through his eyes. The idea of him stabbing that man continuously, reminds me of a nightmare; some sort of frantic, automatic response. The detail in severing his spine, hitting bone and the chipped knife I appreciated because it gave some sort of grasp on reality to this. It was real and ugly. It's bizarre, you get an idea of his fear of death in every action he makes here, like asking to be buried with his eyes open.
I especially liked the twist at the end, his awareness in the afterlife. A really strange concept; I couldn't buy his senses being intact when your body has shut down, being a science nerd. But I do think it's very peculiar how he couldn't smell. I liked the ending, it's such a unique idea to play with. And it ended just as simply as that, on a note of irony and terror. "I would have given my right nut to avoid it." I like the blunt humour here.
I shouldn't say I enjoyed reading this, but I did. It was intriguing and gritty and dark at the same time. It's refreshing to read something like this.