Reviews for The Rumored Half
MANGAREADERPSP-T7 chapter 1 . 12/31/2014
Wtf?! Waaaaaahhhh you should post! I can't take it anymore damnit! Just post :'( dis no funny x'( I'm gonna cry u need to post my life depend on it! Or is it suppose to be urs? ?.? Any way post(!
PWWWWWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEE..
Dreamers-Requiem chapter 1 . 4/28/2013
I felt like the opening was a little weak. The prologue doesn’t really add anything, and I think that, coupled with the dream, is just a bit cliché. You could have a stronger opening if something is already happening when the reader begins – maybe have it start from when she’s running? As it’s first person narration, you don’t need to have her ‘thoughts’, such as [I sighed, God I hate parties.] I think her reaction to the idea of the party is enough to show the reader she hates them, and this just feels almost like it’s being rammed down our throats. ["Nick!" a voice said from behind me.] This is just a really tiny, personal thing. I’m assuming the narrator is a girl…but I was a bit thrown out by her name being ‘Nick’. Like I said, really tiny & personal, but I would assume “Nick” is a guy whereas “Nic” seems like the female version. I could be totally wrong and you can completely ignore this, but it just stuck out to me.

["Jake" I smiled up at him, dismissing the thought] Need a full stop at the end of the dialogue. [Wow, Mom really went all out this time.] Again, don’t need the thought in italics. You could just have (Mom really went all out.) then show how she’s done this. [Well, at least until someone shows up with booze, which would be by around 9.] Feels awkward. Maybe cut it down – (Well, at least until someone showed up by booze, which usually happened around 9) or something. I don’t think you need to focus so much on describing people, either. It doesn’t do much to make them stick in the reader’s head; show us what they’re like through interactions etc. [In retrospect, it was pretty ironic.] Could cut that out. It feels too much like you’re leading the reader by the hand and signposting things for them. [No, those were…Fangs] Again, a personal thing, but I think you could drop the ‘fangs’. Just have it trail off. Might build up tension.

Some things do move pretty fast, and I think if you slow it down a bit, you could really build up the tension, especially towards the end. Overall, I am intrigued with this and want to see where it goes; you have a nice writing style, and there’s loads of potential for this. Just a little bit of cleaning and polishing could make it really, really strong. Hope this helps.
The Phoenix Girl chapter 16 . 2/14/2013
I only read half of the chapter because I have to go back to work (I don't have time to even read these days *sob*) but I loved what I read and had to tell you so! great work (as usual)! :)
TheCosmoFall chapter 16 . 1/24/2013
Gah! You HAVE to continue updating! I really like your writing style, your description makes it so easy to picture the characters, etc. I do hope the story line will take on a different turn, since its almost simply becoming a cliched vampire romance.

I'm looking forward to how Nick will handle the many challenges that awaits her on her journey to revenge, and if she will actually do as she planned, to kill Drake, or maybe a twist of event might happen.

Aah, but I do feel for poor ol' Nash, I love his character and personality, I do wish there were more of his scenes, rather than only focusing on the relationship between Nick and Gabe.

I really do like your story, and hope you wouldn't stop, but keep updating! Thumbs up for the work done so far!:)

xXx
Jessy-8739 chapter 16 . 1/21/2013
Please continue! It's one of the best ones I've read.

*poor Nash* hes a good guy.
FlowerGirl55 chapter 16 . 1/20/2013
Don't stop the story please! It's so good! I love reading it!
DeathlyIceMaiden chapter 16 . 1/20/2013
I like it and I'm sure the other readers do to. It's interesting.
DeathlyIceMaiden chapter 15 . 1/18/2013
That was .sexyyyyy! I'm addicted to this story. Update soon.
BloodWillSpill chapter 1 . 1/1/2013
Wow, the beginning and ending of this chapter really "sucked" me in! I found myself skimming through the middle but I'm glad I stuck around.

A few problems I found. In the beginning, you said "I looked down at a rain on my hand". It should have been raindrop. Just a little minor error. But your story is definitely good!
professional griefer chapter 1 . 12/23/2012
OT note: I really love the Lewis Carrol quote you used, where's that from?
Okay, I didn't like the length your prologue, it was far too short to have much relevance, and I think if you had started the story without it nothing would be lost. I did however like the content, you definitely intrigued me and it made me want to read on. I think it could be expanded upon and made into an entire chapter, though.
I don't particularly care for the plot, at this time it appears to be the classic (and cliched) vampire story. Maybe you'll do something to change that, but for now it's just kind of enh.
I do like your writing style, everything is blended together nicely and I never got lost in action sequences. I do think you're missing a few commas, however.
Also, stylistic side note: I would consider putting the [and then everything went black] in a seperate paragraph for emphasis. It's fine the way it is, I just think it would look cooler:)
Nice work!
Whirlymerle chapter 1 . 12/8/2012
Roadhouse review. :)

[A large Queen-sized bed took up most of the space] I don't think you need to capitalize "queen"

[its called a bedroom for a reason right] "it's." Also, I'd suggest you put a comma after "reason," because there's a natural pause there.

First person narration works very well but it's also limiting, because you can only use the perspective of your narrator. There are a lot of things she says that I know are backstory purposes that doesn't go well with your narration.

For example:
[He had blue eyes that were kind, with a mop of blond hair that was slightly scruffy and was as tall as Ed.] Descriptions like these take your readers outside your scene, because Nick is basically breaking the fourth wall to talk to her readers. If we were with Nick in the scene, she wouldn't be thinking this since her dad isn't a stranger so she wouldn't really care, if that makes sense. To be honest, if her entire family is just going to die in the first chapter, it's really not necessary to detail how each one of them looks. Or if you want to, maybe in your next chapter, you can be like, "I thought about my dad's kind blue eyes when he laughed and I wanted to cry" (okay, that was really bad), to fill in the details.

[The dress looked achingly familiar] Like the language!

[I have to fight just to stay on this side of size 6] Haha, I totally feel ya, Nick.

I loved the dream scene. The writing was really good there and I would picture the place perfectly. I also liked the black/red imagery in the last paragraph.

Nice work,
Merle
B. H. Stokes chapter 2 . 12/8/2012
I liked the characterization because Nicola's character is very believable. The liked the flow because one thought easily went into the next.
B. H. Stokes chapter 1 . 12/8/2012
Great Chapter! I loved the flow because one thought easily went into the next. The characterization was also good! However, it took me a while to figure out that the main character was a girl. Anyway, great read!
Anihyr Moonstar chapter 1 . 12/4/2012
I like the way you don't immediately make it clear the narrator is dreaming. It reinforces (to me) that sense of what a dream is actually like. (A little disorienting but often, you do realize you're dreaming in the middle of it - or I certainly do.) I feel like that sensation of being fully aware you're dreaming isn't often addressed in fiction and I like to see that you do it that way.

As soon as she stepped into the bathroom and "caught her reflection" I mentally winced. It's not specifically that the idea is bad, it's just so many (heavy, heavy emphasis on that) first person narratives use a mirror/reflection early on in the first chapter to describe the narrator's appearance. The fact that it's been done so incredibly often makes it dull and extremely predictable to me.

Don't be afraid to feed the audience details slowly. If I don't know what a narrator looks like I can still happily read about them, learning how they think and feel, before I ever figure out what exactly their hair and eye color is. (One exception I would make for this is if your narrator is significantly different looking in a way that is crucial to the story - for instance, a black character in an all-white setting, or an alien with natural blue or green skin on a typically human planet, etc..)

[I laid down on the bed as the stereo played Beethoven's "Fur Elise".] Um. The name of that song is "Fleur de Lis"...it's French. I get the sense that you're trying to reinforce her geekiness/sophistication and intelligence by making her listen to classical music, but in general, I'd avoid mentioning what music your characters listen too. It rarely adds anything to the piece and if you make a mistake, it just looks ridiculous.

["Jake" I smiled up at him, dismissing the thought.] You're missing a comma here after "Jake".

[No, those were…Fangs.] Don't capitalize "fangs" since it's still part of the same sentence.

Good job ending on a cliffhanger. :) Those are the best kind of endings for getting your audience hooked to read on.

- Moonstar
esthaelum chapter 1 . 12/1/2012
I really liked this first chapter. You managed to capture my attention just on the first sentence, and I'm glad I carried on reading because this plot definitely looks interesting atm. I loved your descriptions and I found no typos or anything wrong with your writing. I liked the dream sequence too; you did a good job with starting the story off with that because it adds an instant suspense into the plot. Plus, it also gives us a few hints of what we can expect to happen because most dreams in stories tend to either predict the future chapters or just heavily hint something that's going to happen soon... Anyway, like I said, great start so far! :)
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