|Reviews for Goodbye|
| Rain Crystal chapter 1 . 7/14/2012
Moving, heart breaking, tragic... I think a shift somewhere on the site messed with the format though.
The extremely long paragraph makes it hard to read, find some places to hit enter and start a new one if you can. I do have... minor things that bothered me...
"His living in America made it impossible so - particularly because she lived in England." The 'so' seems unnecessary, unless you are missing words or it is some how misplaced.
"She remembered him telling her, telling her everything." I think I understand what you mean, she's pausing, trying to remember what he was telling her but can't pick just one thing and decides on 'everything', but it looks odd from my point of view. An ellipsis, though that is the literal term for it I mean it to be used as a PAUSE, should probably be used instead of the comma. "She remembered him telling her... telling her everything." And, perhaps, maybe even italicizes 'everything'.
Those are the only things I see at the moment, I don't know if they can actually be called 'wrong' or right', but this is all my opinion, you're free to take it or leave it.
I really did enjoy reading it, but even if there is the description of what they have done, you didn't really write about the feelings besides 'love' and the obvious heart break. I think a few more descriptions could help, just as an example, especially since I don't know if it's true, "She remembered seeing him smile, always dazzling and unexpected, always causing her heart to skip a beat and her cheeks to flush red."
Thank you for posting this, I do hope you'll at least take my paragraph thing into consideration, it really is harder to read as one giant paragraph. Thank you!
| Chelsea Lynne chapter 1 . 12/21/2011
What is the name of this young woman who is so in love with Lukas?
Here's another question for you. Where is the "rest" of your story?
What event sparked this story? When you begin your story, your character mentions that Lukas just moved to the United States. Is she standing in at Heathrow when she says goodbye? In the tube? At the train station? What or who is she saying goodbye to? Is she holding his picture? Rereading a text?
There's a twist to your story. Lukas had a specific reason for leaving England-to be with another woman. Who is this woman? A new girlfriend? Or...perhaps his mother? That would certainly be interesting.
The bottom line is that your story the potential. It would be a good exercise in writing a short story.
Do you intend to edit your story? If you do, please let me know if you would like me to critique your revision.
Your descriptions are beautiful. It is impressive that you can pack so much emotion into a single sentence. I would be delighted if you consider critiquing one of my own stories. I struggle with emotion in my own writing.