|Reviews for The Elemental Warriors|
| Gigaremo chapter 12 . 2/27/2013
Good stuff, though I was a bit disappointed at the lack of Knightmare's torture. His scene with Tony was pathetic compared to Piper's, really, and we didn't even see him interact with Roy. And after all that build-up. Still, I'm sure that'll happen later.
Also... training montage seems a bit forced. Like, you're trying to write a movie or something. Even though it's a story. If that makes sense. Like, I could hear the A team theme playing over it in my head. :P
Last thing, why is Roy referred to as "The Red King." Tony is "the coward" and Piper is "the tomboy" which makes sense because these are the things they need to overcome to get rid of Knightmare's psychological attacks. But... the Red King? Surely "the loner" or something would make more sense? Unless Roy's weakness is that he's ginger. :P
| Gigaremo chapter 11 . 2/27/2013
Oh, ye olde psychological attack. Gotta love it.
Piper reminds me a lot of her namesake from the Heroes of Olympus series. Was that intentional, or...?
Anyway, this is done quite well. Could use a bit of subtlety, but then, that's just my opinion.
Also, I'm shocked that Roy didn't use his powers to take out the crow monsters. Because that was so obviously what was going to happen, from what I could see. You've managed to fool me again :I
| Gigaremo chapter 10 . 2/27/2013
Um... don't really understand why Piper and Tony suddenly can't hold their swords all of a sudden, but I'm guessing it's to do with the voice in Piper's head (which is presumably Knightmare or some other force of evil.) Also because Roy needs his time in the spotlight now; I'm guessing this is when his powers awaken (no duh, Sherlock.)
It's nice to see Nina is training them properly now, and not against monsters that will kill and eat them; although these still have shown up, it would seem. :P
It'd be interesting to know what Nina's powers are; she presumably has them, as she knows an awful lot about them for someone who doesn't, but she only seems to use only her bow all the time for some reason. Mind you, knowing me, I've probably got completely the wrong end of the stick and she doesn't have any at all, or it's been mentioned already. Or both. :I
Also, I looked at the reviews, and I posted a horribly sarcastic anonymous one on this chapter a while back that I'd completely forgotten it. Please delete it, it's frankly offensive :P
| Gigaremo chapter 9 . 2/27/2013
Oh, forgot to mention, I liked Piper's powers activation. I like the idea that the characters have to overcome personal obstacles and stuff; Piper's being that she doesn't let her friends and family reach out to her. It's a pretty cool idea.
| Gigaremo chapter 9 . 2/27/2013
Umm... this is meant to be real, right? Like... not a game? Not an RPG? Because... training against random lion monsters that just HAPPEN to be in the bushes and DISSOLVE INTO BLACK SHADOWS when killed? I'm sorry to be critical here, but this just sounds too like an RPG. Maybe that's the intention, but still, Nina trying to train the kids against real monsters that could KILL THEM is just so stupid. Why don't they fight each other? Or her? Or... something that isn't a huge-ass LION MONSTER?! (Please imagine the parts in caps lock as being said in JonTron's angry New York accent, it helps add to the flavour of the review in my opinion :P)
I'm sorry for the rant, it's just... bleh. I'm probably taking it too seriously. I'll still read, it's not taken away from any of the plot, which is still pretty good, it's just... meh. I dunno.
| Gigaremo chapter 8 . 2/27/2013
... Nothing else to say, I'll move on :P
| Gigaremo chapter 7 . 2/27/2013
You need to work on typos. It's okay when it's only occasionally, but this is pretty consistent. "What are your games?" "The creature known as Knigtmare." "People have gotten missing."
You should proof-read it before posting. Or get a beta. Just.. bleh. It's not a massive problem, it's just a bit annoying.
Another problem is the fact that is feels rushed. They accept this whole thing much too quickly, in my opinion. I can get it with Roy, who is obviously one of those character who thinks being a hero is all awesome and stuff, and will inevitably having his dreams crushed by the reality of it. But Piper and Tony... bleh. I know you can't spend ages having them debating over the whole thing and trying to take it in but... still.
That's not to say it's not good; because it is. It keeps me wanting to know what's going to happen next, which is really good. These are just things you could improve on.
| Gigaremo chapter 6 . 2/27/2013
The other two are Roy and Piper, duh. Has Nina ever read fantasy fiction? :I
Anyway, good chapter. You handled the whole "powers awakening" thing very well. Pyrous seems like a git, but then, all gods are in fiction. They give help, but never ENOUGH help. :P
Good stuff, anyways, nothing really to be criticize or be sarky about, which is rare for me.
| Gigaremo chapter 5 . 2/27/2013
Didn't expect that! I thought that the hands were going to pull Tony into the book, not be the girl climbing out. So well done for that, I like being surprised.
Nina seems pretty cool, if a little generic. And Tony now will have to fight the monster, I suppose. Of course he'll win, it'd be pretty crap if the main character got killed by some nameless wolf... thing. Still, it'll be quite cool to see if he gains control of his powers quickly or struggles with them initially.
So, yeah. Pretty good stuff. Only problem is, yet again, the emotion is a bit off. It's hard to write, I know, but I'd be a little more shocked if a girl climbed OUT OF A BOOK, regardless of what she wanted me to do. It also feels a little rushed. I know you want him to get the element of fire and start the fight against Knightmare and everything to move the plot along but... meh. I dunno.
I'll stop nitpicking, it's a good chapter. I'll move on now :P
| Gigaremo chapter 4 . 2/27/2013
Woah, there, okay. Interesting. Tony's grandma sounds like a really cool old woman :P
A lot of information given here in The Tales of Beedle the Bard :P
It feels like a believable creation myth, so well done for that (not that the myth itself is believable, just that it sounds like a creation myth.) A good job with the suspense stuff as well, both with Tony and with Piper and Roy. Keeps you wanting to find out what happens next.
... Bleh, I'm rambling and probably not even making sense. I'll move on to the next chapter.
| Gigaremo chapter 3 . 2/25/2013
Sorry, I could only get as far as this chapter, I really have to go. I PROMISE I'll read and review more tomorrow.
Anyway, good stuff, it's nice to see you worked on the stuff people said last chapter (I read the reviews like a stalker.) The only thing is, the emotion doesn't feel real enough. The grief caused by the loss of the grandmother should really cast a shadow over the family for a while; rather than just a bit of crying and then it's all back to normal. Same with being attacked by a wolf. But,whatever, maybe I'm nitpicking, and this is only chapter 3 of twenty, you've probably improved this by now.
On a better note, nice to see thing's from Piper's viewpoint a bit. Have to wonder what's going on with her...
Gah. I wish I could read more, but I really have to go. I'll definitely get a lot more read tomorrow. Sorry.
| HarrisonTaylor chapter 14 . 12/30/2012
I like long stories because I like to have an emotional investment - meaning I like to imagine myself as the main character. That's why I chose to read your story. I'm... older... and probably because of that tend to get distracted over nit-picky little things like spelling, grammar, the continuous use of horizontal lines... that sort of thing. Still, after about the 5th chapter I began to understand the flow and how you were writing this tale. I found that I do in fact enjoy this story. Still, I decided to stop at Chapter 14 because I wanted to give you some feedback.
The character development (as far as their individual traits are concerned and how they think about themselves) is becoming much better. As a result, I am enjoying this story more as I go along. There are three things I would recommend for the story as a whole:
* Slow down a little bit and develop the relationships between the main characters. This would be more helpful towards the beginning in what you've already written, as this will make the mental attacks by the villain more interesting and less out of place. It will also make the reader invest more emotional currency into your main characters and be more likely to keep reading.
* Please read this little article - I keep it as an essential reminder for both what I'm writing now and what I do at work. It will help you: /2011/11/on-some-fallacies-of-some-amateur-fiction
* Please do not refer to the main characters as "the boy" or "aforementioned kid." Doing so makes the referenced character seem unimportant. Instead, refer to a main character with their name or with their title in a relationship, for example, "Tony's new protector," or "Piper's reluctant hero".
This is obviously still a work in progress and reading it has reminded me how cool it is to read things that have freshly come from an author's mind. It's kind of like having the director's cut of a film. Keep at it - I'll keep reading!
| Ivory Tides chapter 16 . 12/29/2012
I'm enjoying it so far! But I can recommend that you shouldn't feel need to describe your characters all the time,physical descriptions can get old. The conversations with Knightmare are getting a bit repetitive, so try only making them every so often. It will make it less predictable for the reader!
Keep up the good work! It made me laugh a few times. xD
| CharissaKarn chapter 14 . 12/10/2012
:D YAY! :D cannot wait to read more! :D please update again soon! :D
| Iceleaf chapter 6 . 12/1/2012
In this chapter you said Tony's hair was black, even though you said it was brown like his sister's in the second. I don't mind if you have it black. In fact I like black hair but I think it is better if you are consistent.
I am sorry if my wording has offended you.