There are several strong points to this chapter. One is the description: "I see face, after face, staring right at me as I pass by. Some chubby, some skinny, and some bloody. Then I see a face with bright blond hair, sticking up all over the place". It's just enough imagery without going too heavy. Another is the scene where Nickie wakes Centa up, it's pretty powerful. Develop it, tone it down a bit, and it'll work out real nice. I'm concerned that Chad is a little too evil supervillain here, and the first scene (the flashback) seems unnecessary. There's issues with advers and repetition, but I've ranted about that enough before.

But, this chapter has a lot of potential. Smooth it out, cut it down.

-REB

So I got on this story, checked to see what I've reviewed so far and I'm like "huh, that's wiered, I was sure I'd reviewed Ch7". So I skim the chapter, yep, I've read it. But I didn't reivew for some reason?

Damn. But then I clicked on the review, and there's already text in the box? That I typed in, like, a week ago. I'll just leave it, I think. SO:

These chapters are CRAZY PSYCHO EFFING LONG. Nobody has the attention span or the time to read this whole thing in one sitting, and the chapters aren't even divided up in any logical manner. Chop them apart some, my eyes are bleeding!

Penny's character needs MAJOR editing, but I've said that already. She needs consistency.

Um... oh. Right. The plot is too complicated, simplify simplify SIMPLIFY. Find a point and focus on it. Not the romance, don't focus on the romance, because romance is almost never fresh or interesting.

These chapters do improve as they go, though. Good job there.

-REB

So. That's what I wrote a week or so ago. Cheers.

-REB, again.

Okay. Characterization of Penny is good. Development of plot is good. Two things:

1) Chris's random infatuation with Centa. Why? It isn't necessary to plot or characterization, and it certainly doesn't make Centa character more likeable. Look up "Mary Sue" on the internet.

2) Kevin whump. Is it really necessary to hurt him twice? It's overkill, it's repetition, it gets your plot in a rut and the story gets unpredictable.

Also, as an interesting side note, putting frostbitten hands into hot water is the absolute worst thing to do. Think of ice, when you put it in how water. What does it do? It cracks. When you put frozen tissue in hot water, the blood vessels rupture and split. Not pretty. Can cause permanent damage. :/

Sorry I'm so slow reading through these... the chapters are improving as it goes, thoguh. More reviews later.

-REB

This is better. Good development of plot. Still some issues:

1) dialogue. It's too dramatic, with too many tags. You never say, "said" or something simple like that. They're always murumuring, or yelling, or "laughing" (even though it's impossible to "laugh" a sentence). And then there's the adverbs and the participial phrases that follow. It gets distracting and it weakens the dialogue. The -ly adverbs are really bad here. There's five of these in a row in one conversation: calmly, grudgingly, coldly, innocently, half-heartedly. You shouldn't have to explain how a character says something, it should be obvious from what they say. There's nothing wrong with using "said" five times in a row, "said" is inobtrusive and oddly invisible to the reader. PM me if you don't understand this, I can explain a lot more. And then there's the dialogue itself. It's unrealistic. I keep quoting dramatic bits of dialogue in other reviews, so I won't do that again here. My advice is to get a notebook and start writing down things people say. Pay attention to how people say things, and how you say things yourself. I do it too, a lot of the people at my writing club do it, I guarantee you won't look like a creeper. And it'll help a lot.

2) characterization of antagonists. Again. Do I need to repeat myself here? "Penny puts her hand in her bag and grabs two other sandwiches. She gives the better one to Kevin and gives me the other sandwich reluctantly. I accept it without saying a word. Kevin takes a big mouthful and immediately puts his hand over his mouth. He sprints behind the bushes and I can hear him spit it out. I decide to abandon my sandwich, just in case." It gets annoying after a while. No matter what, Penny is always cruel and petty, and your protagonists are always clever and righteous and witty. You can't even let Penny give them sandwiches without making her be mean about it, and making her bad at cooking to make things worse! Come on, seriously? How about "Penny pulls out two other sandwhiches, handing one to each of us. We take them with some apprehension, but she doesn't say anything. The sandwhiches aren't very good. They're dry and rather tasteless. At least they're something. We don't thank Penny, and she doesn't seem to expect us to". I mean, really.

Will read more...

-REB

I really like this story. maybe like a couple of spelling/grammar errors but besides that...awesome.

Hellllooo Layne!

Well, I must admit, your first couple of chapters ARE a bit weak...but now I am astounded by your work. In chapter 7, in the gopher scene, you describe that so effectively...wow. And I live the flashback in this chapter:

"Kevin?"

"Yeah?"

"Why are there so many stars in the sky?"

ADORABLE! :3

I can't wait until you add chapter 9, I actually CANT wait. Marvelous work, and I'm looking forward to reading more :)

-Grapes

Hey,

Sooooo I finally got around to reading the first chapter :P haha sorry it took so long. But so far it's really good and I enjoy your style of writing. It's casual but refined. You're doing an awesome job and although "The Virus", your other story that I reviewed was good as well, I can really see the improvement in your writing from then to now. And also of what I've read from chapters 6-8. (I like to preview them :) haha) Well great job so far, and I'll continue to read for sure.

Hm. This chapter is much better.

The use of flashbacks is very effective, I think, in providing backstory and characterization for Kevin and Centa. The description in this chapter has improved a lot too. The image of the tree with the purple leaves is especially powerful. To increase this effect, ramp up the word choice. You wrote, "all of the leaves wither and fall off. The wind blows them around so that they fly around us", which is powerful by itself. But what about, "The purple leaves shrivel and fade, and then the wind picks up to sweep them away. They swirl around us, rattling against eachother, and the tree stands bare and alone" instead? Your description is pretty good as is, like I said, but using more colorful verbs can make it that much more powerful. I said verbs, not adverbs, mind. :P. But like I said. This is more of a suggestion than a critique, since it's so stylistic in nature.

Only real problem I have here is the characterization of the minor characters, which is a common problem on this site, I think. Look at the places where you have minor characters. " 'Not so strong now are we?' taunts the officer with the taser. He jabs me again and I'm writhing in pain." " 'What's so funny sweetheart?' she spits in my face." " 'You've never cared about him!' he yells. 'You probably just let him die!' " With the minor characters, you're emphasizing plot over characterization, which makes them behave in unrealistic ways. It's a fairly simple problem with a fairly simple solution. Analyze every character. Come up with motivations and insecurities. Motivations give characters goals, which helps you to keep them in character. Insecurities are the things that make us (and literary characters) hurt others and misinterpret those around us. Show the insecurities in your antagonists and use their motivation to make sure they stay in character. These aren't the only traits you can list, and it's probably best to come up with a few more, but that's the bare minimum.

Other than that, this is pretty good. The part about Chad at the end is interesting. I hope you develop that. Don't emphasize Centa's trauma so much, be careful with that, but it isn't bad enough here to merit its own paragraph.

Good job so far reacting to criticism, most people don't take it so well as you... :D It'll make you so much of a better writer, I swear. No matter how much natural talet you have, if you don't accept your flaws you won't get better. So there's a strong advantage for you.

Cheers!

-REB

Hi :D

I want to thank everyone for reviewing my story so far. The first couple of chapters are REALLY BAD, now that I re-read it, so I apologize for that. But over time, they get better. I always take my reviews into consideration, and when I'm done this book, I'm going to do some MAJOR editing, don't worry.

Thanks again!

~Layne

Good development of plot and worldbuilding. Criticisms:

1) characterization of Chad. There is none. Well, nothing that makes him a solid character. Solid characters have strengths as well as flaws. He only has flaws. Consider, " 'I brainwashed then so that they would forget what happened. I'm afraid that I'm going to have to do the same thing to y-' says Chad menacingly holding out a complicated looking remote control". Certain words over exaggerate his apparent evilness. "brainwashed", "I'm afraid that..." "menacingly" "complicated looking"... it's all very supervillain. What I mean to say, there's no balance. We have to love him before we can hate him. And the way he treats Centa is off. If he has a crush on her, he'd be nicer to her. The theory that boys are mean to girls they liike doesn't apply with teenagers.

2) characterization of Centa. She hates everybody and has a tragic past. So she comes off as stuck-up and self-centered, instead of tortured and pitied like you want her too. This is because instead of giving her depth, you gave her an attitude and an overwrought backstory. The attitude isn't bad in and of itself, you can pull that off if you give her depth. But the backstory isn't necessary, is it? It's something you created to try and get readers to build a connection with her. Consider: "They got me to the hospital but no one believed Kevin when he told them that Penny tried to drown me. Eventually, I was brave enough to start swimming again but I wouldn't go near boats, until now [...] My breathing is shallow now and I feel like puking. Nonetheless, I make my way slowly towards the boats gripping Kevin's arm tightly. I close my eyes and Kevin guides me to a canoe and I sit down. Kevin is consulting me but I can't hear him, all I can hear is the swishing waves of the lake." and " 'No it's not!' I sob. 'You don't know how I feel!'". You've way overworked the drama for her. Instead of feeling sorry for her, the readers want to punch her and tell her to get over herself. Do you know anybody who has depression? My best friend has it really bad. Let me tell you, sympathy isn't the first emotion you feel for a person with issues. The first thing you feel is a sort of raw, angry jealousy, because depressed people are really bitchy a lot of times and need constant attention. And that's what readers will feel towards a character who is "traumatised". Solution? Tone it down. Make it subtle. Introduce the character, not the trauma.

3) showing vs telling. Consider: "The announcement almost scared me to death" and "I consider volunteering" and "Penny and another adult that I don't know join me" and especially "I feel really dizzy right now". Instead of demonstrating things to readers, you spoon-feed it to them. Most of these declarative, explanatory sentences can simply be cut out. The first rule of writing is to not explain your writing. Well, that's my first rule, anyway.

The plot structure in this chapter has improved a lot-it's sooo much more focused. The chapter flows smoother too,

Not bad so far. I'm exhausted, though: finishing this in one night may have been a little ambitious. Sorry. Being as in-depth as possible, might work a little slower. More reviews to come.

-REB

First sentence - pondering [the] numerous events, or pondering numerous events. about is awkward.

5th sentence - I notice [A] small slip...

~not 'i'

First paragraph - Generally keep an eye on your tenses. I always feel past tense is the best, but write using whichever you feel most comfortable in.

Ok, because I'm running out of town I'll sent you a PM message detailing small grammar things to look at.

Right now my exchange student needs my help with something and I don't want you to think I ignored your message so based only on skimming a bit over what you have this is my general comments.

Show vs. Tell. You can tell me this and that as much as you want but you have to show me in their actions and character.

You have a lot of long sentences that go from point A to point C in one moment. Try to slow down the pace a bit and take care in what you have to say. You are building a world for me and I should be able to have a strong vision of what world she lives in and the people around her.

Your opening is a little weak in detail and exposition. Take care in describing what's happening to her and how she reacts to it. If her father comes home piss drunk explain how she knows he's drunk and how she reacts and how he reacts all while giving little hints at maybe a dark past or a dark future.

~~~ Legit, I'm so sorry that this review is REALLY short. This is just a tester :P

&& Thank you so much for requesting a review. That means a lot to me & the kind words on my work is greatly appreciated.

Look for a message maybe next week when my exchange student leaves and I am less busy!

Sorry & Thank you!

Love, Jenny

Good development of society here, and way to do it through showing and not telling. Problems:

1) plot. Too many subplots. Let's count them, shall we? 1: her father's a drunk, 2: Kevin's in love with her, 3: Penny's out to get her, 4: the store explodes. Any of these could be their own novel, with the development you put into them. This confuses the reader, because none of them are even the main plot. The main plot gets buried under all of this other stuff. Answer this question in only one sentence: what do you want the reader to get from this story? And focus on that, and cut what isn't relevant. There's just too much to understand right now.

2) Penny. She's a stock character, and completely undeveloped. The typical blonde, ditzy girl for your character to hate. Ask yourself: do you need her for the main plot? If the answer is no, or if you have any uncertainty whatsoever, cut her out. If you really think you need her, give her a personality. And no, her personality can't be "she's just really mean". Give her motivations, give her backstory, give her strengths and insecurities just like any other character. Don't let her turn into a cardboard cut-out.

3) repetition, again. How many times did you remind us the father's a drunk? How many times did you siggest Kevin's the designated love interest? How many times did you imply Penny is evil? Like a said before: say it once, and trust us to remember. There's a simple formula: 1 1 1/2. The more you day it, the more it looses impact.

All in all, not bad. There's just SO MUCH. So much conflict, so many concepts, so many words. Don't overwrite, you're too good for that. Simplify things and it'll be so much better.

Man, your chapters are long. Nothing against that, just, wow. I can't finish reviewing this tonight, it's past my bedtime already. Will continue tomorrow.

Good job so far.

-REB out.

*poofs out of oblivion*

Hello. Am here. Obviously.

Okay. I love the plot idea here. Imagining a world without money is very interesting. Very dystopian.

Things to work on:

1) exposition. You know, you don't have to explain everything in the first chapter. It's best not to, in fact. The first chapter should build a connection with the characters and give hints to the conflict. The two block paragraphs exist only to dump in backstory. Especially when dealing with a traumatic past, you should wait longer to develop backstory. The readers must first connect with and empathize with your character. Lead with her personality traits (especially the flaws, sounds backwards I know), not her tragic past to build a connection. And then start dropping in backstory as you go. K?

2) fluency and repetion. You're trying really hard with this chapter. I appreciate that. But take a step back and don't smother the plot. You're afraid the readers won't understand key ideas, so you repeat and explain them. Really, this has the opposite effect. Repeating ideas slows the pacing down and bogs the whole thing up. Take the father drinking, for instance. All you had to say to convey that he's a drunk is, "he staggered in with an armload of beer." That's it. Any more and it looses effect, and the description becomes condescending and gets in the way of the plot. You're a good enough writer that you don't have to repeat yourself.

3) worldbuilding. Not so much a criticism here, because there isn't any less than there whould be in this chapter. But in the upcoming chapters, you need to show how this society functions. SHOW, not TELL. Here, you told, because you had a character explain it through internal monologue. Have the character experience it in the next few chapters. My take on what you've written so far is that the government distributes food instead of a capitalist society where everybody buys food. This is very similar to Communism/Socialism. Research that system of government and use it to flesh out the concept you have here. Show how when governments regulate food supplies instead of the people, it becomes oppressive. And show why. SHOW, I stress once again.

*rereads that paragraph* man, that makes no sense. Hope you can understand what I'm trying to say with #3 coz it's a mess.

That's it. Onwards to chapter two!

You have to keep writing! Its amazing! I can't stop thinking about it!; D

OMG Layne!

I love this story! I couldn't think of a better idea than a world without money; it's amazing!

PLEASE PLEASE continue this story! Btw I LOVE Kevin! He's awesome! :D

Can't wait! :D

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