God you're good.

So I was going to say what a cliffhanger, but it's more like a cliff-faller.

:0

I'm hoping she will be able to use her magic to help them to safety, maybe a magical cushion of air or something...

You do a good job incorporating history into the story without information overload. Considering this is a first draft, this is well done. It becomes tempting ot throw in all or a lot of history into a chpater just to let the reader know what needs to be known, but you do well in spacing things out.

I'm going ot be anooying and point out a few punctuation errors: one thing i've noticed is that you use lots of commas, so just be aware of that. But this is very minor and rather nearly inconseuqential compared to other things, and you tend to do other things well :)

lovely again :)

btw did you get inspiration from Merlin on scyfy channel? i just began watching the show :) and i love it!

seems like youre story is getting interestin but it was a bit confusing when nikon was first introduce apart from that it seems to be good

Looking forward to reading more chapters soon!

Please state that the story is a first draft in the blurb/summary ~~Just so the reader knows what to expect.

Really cool, I hope you update soon.

Ardis is really cool, and I love the whole magic-is-death-but-our-heroine-has-it thing.

" The wind from the mountains wound about her ankles and drew out pieces of her golden hair from beneath the hood"-perhaps change this sentence just a bit: It seems odd saying that the wind wound about her ANKLES and then you talk about her hair ;)

So maybe you can write:

" The wind from the mountains wound about her ankles, wrapping around her legs and snaking its way up her entire body, drawing out out pieces of her golden hair from beneath the hood of her cloak."

I'm wondering if there is any symbolism pertaining to her falling thre times and there being thorns (Jesus symbolism-stumbling 3 times under the cross and the crown of thorns?).

One of the tips I also see about writing is to not use adverbs :)-I use them hahaha and then have to go back and edit to take them all out but for example, you wrote:

She turned suddenly in fright when voices came up behind her. They were men's voices, she instantly recognized."

Take out the "suddenly" and you will have a better sentence.

This is one helluva story btw i am really enjoying it and what i like a lot about it is that you have chapters that span from several characters' POV which is one of the great things about writing in the 3rd person. So good job with this :)

I like how you make the men afraid of Ardis, which makes me wonder what is lurking around the town to make these great men with swords afraid of her-perhaps there are beings that look harmless but are not :) hmmmmm

Cliffhanger for sure!

You had a few spelling errors: allusive should be elusive, gage should be guage, but other than that, things are good.

You seem to be relatively good as describing things :)

One thing I would recommend though is using other senses, maybe you could have described the sounds as the two men struggled, perhaps add in thoughts of characters as they go through things, but the though thing isn't necessary, of course. You oculd have described the feel of the blade in Nixon's hand, etc. You don't have to use my examples per se but maybe try adding in other senses besides the visual. It is something I amworking on in my own writing, so I understand how easy it is to lapse into just using vision as the main sense. But good story plot overall! I find myself eager to read more :)

The story needs some careful proofreading.

in stoic clam

to calm the fear of the Mira.

a low voice, its treble causing

The Kingdom is fine, it's leaders,

King and queen and speaKing ~~While I think I would like to see a stoic clam or even a stoic oyster, these are all goofs. 'Treble' may not be the word you want here: treble ~ the highest range of the human voice. 'Trembling', 'tremulous' or simply 'shaking' may be what you mean. 'speaKing' may be the result of a global search/replace gone goofy. 'the Mira'? No idea. Homophones, here its and it's, can be tricky. What you want in the example is 'its leaders'.

"Sir, may I ask a question." Borin spoke through the bars at the man now lying on the floor of his cell & "One, my boy. Yes." He answered with a tired sigh. ~~More correctly these go like this: "Sir, may I ask a question)(COMMA)," Borin spoke through the bars at the man now lying on the floor of his cell & "One, my boy. Yes)COMMA)," (NO CAPITAL LETTER HERE)he answered with a tired sigh. ('Borin' is capitalized because it is a proper noun, a name; 'he' is NOT capitalized because it is NOT a name and does NOT begin a sentence.)

Sentences that include 'said' or a synonym of said are not able to stand alone: He said to the people. He responded, chin raised. The King stated evenly. ~~these are all SENTENCE FRAGMENTS, parts of the complete dialogue tag sentences. They need to be joined directly to what was said.

'He shook his head furiously' & 'He took a breath' ~~These DO NOT contain said or a synonym. They are not sentence fragments and can stand alone.

Things definitely pick up in this chapter-I think you had a few spelling errors in this one, but since this is your first draft (and darn good one i might add) i figure you'll notice them when you edit :)

What I like in this chapter is how you connect previous 'historical' events (the famine, king's curse) with a character that is presumed to be the protagonist. you also do well in describing characters without overkill- i feel i am getting to know the characters without having to read purple prose. what is also good is that you did not take the time to physically describe all characters, instead, leaving them to the imagination, which is a nice job.

Now *this* is a story I wish I had written myself-one I would have been proud of :)

Nice job-the plot keeps getting more intriquing

God this is so good.

I feel ashamed of my own writing now :( lol

I will continue reading this lovely story, in the hopes of maKing my own writing better :)-the plot you are worKing on is very interesting, I think this is what is most attractive of your story, oh and the fact that your characterization is good

i love love this story