|Reviews for In View of Saturn|
| Rogue Energizer Bunny chapter 2 . 7/13/2012
93rd review! But Ohana is about to beat my ass. GOGOGO! SUPAH LIV!
"Lani was sitting with Chip watching the sun set. It wasn't nearly as pretty as in her time. There wasn't as much pollution to light up the sky in vibrant colors. She liked it better this way. It seemed right." I love this line, because it's such a paradox, and so poetic, heehee.
I think that... there's a lot of characters in this chapter. As evidenced by "Chip rose and shook his hand along with Zack and Lani. Chip and Zack saw Terith out, and Lani just watched them." EEP! Haha. Uh... so. Be careful with tons and tons of characters that people know what's going one, hahar.
| The Autumn Queen chapter 6 . 7/13/2012
Okay, i wasn't expecting this to be so short. Consistentcy wise, I wouldn't even call this a chapter. It's more of a filler, so I dn't really like seeing the Chapter 6 in the dropdown menu. However, on the other hand it continues directly from the previus one, which suggests to me Ranic is actually a minor character and Lani is the main focus. Still, I'd have the chapter on Lani first and this one as an interruption (whatever you call them).
I like the use of [sixteen weeks and four days ] -it shows a dulling of emotion, the calming you illustrated that took place and the boredom that spreads from that after the newness of something fades. Nicely done.
Ohana from the Review Marathon (link in profile)
| The Autumn Queen chapter 5 . 7/13/2012
I don't like this beginning again; it seems a little hasty and dull. Hasty would be fine if it was sharp, but there's no grappling hooks to grab my attention with that beginning.
I like your ending though. This time, I find the lack of descriptive factor with the ending more appropiate. It's a nice, strong ending, giving no time for reflection...but I am looking towards that next chapter where the gravity of the situation descends. It leaves the scene filled with Ranic's panic (lol, nice rhyme).
One chapter to go, then another seven from somewhere to catch up with Liv.
| The Autumn Queen chapter 4 . 7/13/2012
I like the beginning dialogue with this, how Lani's voice seems so gentle initially and turns crisp and snappish, and the begruntled complaint that follows. Now that's more natural dialogue.
[Maybe I do. Ever stop to think what end I would achieve being dead rather than alive] - I do like this line, don't misunderstand that, but I feel you didn't do enough with the idea and /that's/ what I don't particularly like. You've focused on Ranic side, but you've left Lani who I really wanted to see: her emotions, her thoughts, the little nitpricsk about /her/ as opposed to /him/. That was a good place for it.
| The Autumn Queen chapter 3 . 7/13/2012
I find the dialogue in the middle rather confusing. Ignoring what I said last chapter about your structure, it's also somewhat unnatural and thus comes out forced. The dialogue should really come naturally with the narration, but it feels like you stuck them in with masking tape.
I like the last scene because of the strength of Lani's character, the forceful way she gets what she wants (relates back to the first paragraph of the first chapter), the blatant disregard for her own life, and the sigh that follows symbolising a few things, weariness, relief...all nicely interwoven.
| The Autumn Queen chapter 2 . 7/13/2012
I don't like the beginning so much with this chapter because you've made it unnecessarily passive. Eg. [for requested confirmation] seems more detached and insignificant when compared to [to request confirmation] - minor things, but they can make a big impact at the beginning.
I also don't really like the dialogue of this. It's a little too perky for one thing in context, and you're not obeying the usual rule of "...," Name said. That serves as quite a big distraction, so overall I don't feel you've used the motif very efficiently.
| The Autumn Queen chapter 1 . 7/13/2012
I like the beginning of this; it's not one of those overly transparent paragraphs and still gives us an general overview of the situation. On top of that, it does a good job highlighting the failings of humanity sort of in the kick-in-the-backside impact sort.
["It's ok, she's never coming back." He stated, and then left to do his chores.] - comma and lowercase he.
I do feel on the other hand that things moved a little too fast. The emotion from the first paragraph becomes lost as the chapter progresses, and as that was something I was looking foward to seeing, I didn't really like that.
Ohana from the Review Marathon (link in profile)
| Rogue Energizer Bunny chapter 1 . 7/13/2012
OH WOW I have a story with a very similar basic concept.
Except yours is much better-developed than mine.
I like Lani as a character. I hate female main characters, so you have to understand the significance that I like yours, haha. She doesn't seem all damsel-in-distress, or very feminist either. She's just a character, who happens to be a girl, and who I didn't want to punch.
I like the names, heehee. "Lani" and "Chip" and "Zack". They're simple, futuristic, and not-cliche for a Sci-fi. Usually it's "Xernobobit" or some such carp.
Check out review game/review marathon, link in profile. :P I'll come back to this when I don't feel time-crunched.
| Inkspilled chapter 1 . 6/20/2012
Grammar and Spelling:
"Their petty squabbles were more important than the screams of protest from their fragile supporter. Did they deserve to survive? Did they deserve to continue in their hollow and petty lives?"
- repetition of petty, perhaps find a different word for the last one.
"The vibrate light of Earth shouldn't be extinguished " - I think it's vibrant.
"The scientist all got along great,"- should be scientists
"As the flare hit Lani was dimly aware that not only were the sensors were wrong,"- remove the second 'were'.
""Good international waters," Lani said to herself."- I think the dialogue should have is own line, also add a comma after 'good'.
"The land looked nothing like Europe that she knew, " - add 'the' before Europe.
"Lani attempt radio contact again, but was unfazed by the lack of response."- I think it's attempted.
"to see him gapping at her I.D." - *gaping
"Don removing his devises from the Brick"- devices*
"She had nothing her"- here
"Wordlessly Lani rose, and followed Chip. There was nothing else she could do.
"She's gone!""- weird transition; first Lani follows him in, then she's gone again, sleeping in the shuttle?
Enjoyment- Overall, I liked the story. The plot is interesting and it moves pretty quickly, keeping our attention.
Characters- I feel like I don't know Lani all that well, though. We haven't had a chance to get to know her or her thoughts. I also thought her reaction to Chip and Zack's fight was a bit melodramatic.
Writing- watch out for overuse of "Lani did this, Lani did that, etc.". It's a little jarring when her name is used repeatedly or consecutively in a small amount of time.
Pace- I had an issue with the crash scene. She kept passing out, and the initial terror didn't translate to me. I want to be in that shuttle with her while she's crashing, not watching from afar, so any details to how she was feeling (or use of the senses) can help.