|Reviews for Stolen Souls: Exit Strategy|
| sophiesix chapter 2 . 10/22/2013
Ok I think if I had figured out why the doctor was worried last chapter, I would be a step ahead for this one. He's worried that she identified too much with her cover? I'm not sure I'm clear on why that's a problem, but it doesn't worry me too much at this stage, we're only ch 2. so I accept I don't get everything yet. I get she's in danger of erasure and Mark's on her side, and I think they're being given a chance to prove herself/themselves. I like it!
A couple of spots I thought you cold cut out some unnecessary words and maybe improve on the flow.
'...his voice was low, his tone tense.' For me, that would be more tense as the shortest possible sentence. something like his was low, (and) tense.
'you're starting to bond to it', for me, more effective without the 'to it'. We know she's an it to him, it didn't feel natural to reinforce that here.
'in case someone from that interval approaches her.' didn't get this. How can anyone related to that Outing approach her when she's in this place? In my mind they are quite separate places, those inside isolated from those outside and those outside kept out on a need to know sort of basis. maybe they include email as an 'approach?' but even so I don't know what would be useful about her responding - she did her job, the dude was killed, so what's the use in her making contact with that crowd again?
"I'm afraid I agree with Josef, Mark." this is the woman right? so she's in favour of erasure, but then she says IF we have to blank her mind again - but I thought she was agreeing to do it now? or is she saying not this time but definitely next time?
Ok but apart from that it all ran smoothly for me. I like how the characters came through, particularly Mark 8D, as he seemed to show a tenderer side here than last chappy (is that just me? not that he's soppy or anything, I just like the balance, tough in the face of duty but human beneath 83 I daren't go back and check in case I somehow lose the review, but yeah that was my impression, and I like it!)
So yes, overall, intriguing, tense and got me hooked!
| sophiesix chapter 1 . 10/22/2013
I like how you start with the dialogue, I could hear it straight away, almost like the first lines of a tv show before they show you the characters, I think that worked well here, creating a bit of suspense without too much confusion, because we know this general type of scene (though not, of course, the specifics).
‘Practiced and neutral’ love that! I can see it straight away.
Outing: immediately I’m anticipating something different :D
“Why? I told Mark all about it already.” Look its early so I don’t know her character yet, but for me this works better without the ‘why’
‘debriefed’ heh heh I’m glad you had the ‘deliberately’ afterwards to give it the right tone, because I had quite different connotations in mind X)
‘With her eyes rolled’: do you mean she rolled her eyes as/before she spoke, or did her eyes roll back in her head like she was possessed as she recited? Both quite possible but one much creepier
Oh… maybe I had the right meaning of ‘debriefed’ after all.
Ok so then I got too engrossed I didn’t notice anything … XD Love the ending. Kind of a shame she had to kill him, he was interesting. What I’m a little puzzled about is what the doc is quizzing her for, other than to kindly inform the reader what happened. He’s worried about what she felt, or potentially whether she felt, maybe whether she was actually crying or whether she felt anything about the killing. Is he worried about her personally, or just about her actions, or about the effectiveness of the program? He’s obviously afraid of her, so he needs a good reason to be investigating this and to keep probing, and I’m not following his line of reasoning. Maybe it needs a last line for the doctor to lean back, satisfied but disturbed, or surprised but relieved, or something… dunno… depends on how full-bodied the doctor needs to be as a character I guess, and whether any of those potential worries the doctor may have has relevance to the story as a whole. Anyways, it definitely hooked me as a first chapter, and introduced the set up and MCs nicely :)
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 3 . 1/23/2012
I think you could do with a little more description here, just to balence out the dialogue. At the moment, it's leaning too much towards dialogue-heavy, I think. [And I think calling you 'Death' is] I feel like I'm missing something here, but where did the 'Death' thing come from? This may sound contradictory, but I feel in some instances, the conversation between the girls' is too...well, there's a lot of things in there that will go right over the reader's head, because they're not familiar with this world. At the same time, a bit later on, the way they talk is too explanationary, too much for the reader rather than feeling like a natural conversation between the two. There needs to be more of a balence, I feel. Anyway, can't wait for the next chapter.
| Yumito Sazu chapter 2 . 1/19/2012
Wow! This is great. Having played Deus Ex and thoroughly enjoying it, this gives me that kind of vibe with the augments (though they are biological as opposed to mechanical) but anyway, I really enjoyed this. Count me in to follow this and review.
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 2 . 1/11/2012
Again, I really like the style of this, and the way you show the different characters via their dialogue and interactions with each other. I really like the way they talk about her, and again, it does a good job of showing us what they're like, via whether they talk about her as 'her' or 'it'. It also gives an interesting insight into what is actualy going on here. ["Mark, use careful. You agent, but Meredith asset. Not same." ] I was a bit confused with that line, especially the first part. Maybe re-word it? [Prudence rose.] I thought her name was Patience? Anyway, yeah, really good stuff and I look forward to seeing more.
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 1 . 1/8/2012
This is a brilliant opening; although it's mainly dialogue, I think that works really well, and it gives the reader a clear idea of who the characters are, simply through what they say and how they react to each other. Angie seems like an interesting character and I'm really eager to find out more about her, find out more about why she had to kill those men. The ending worked well, and I think the reader can really sense the shock the doctor must feel with that. Really, really great stuff; can't think of anything to critique.
| Devil's Playground chapter 1 . 1/2/2012
I read your concept for this story at The Globe and had to check it out, it sees like a really interesting premise.
I really like that this chapter is almost all dialogue. I think you do a great job of making the conversation flow well, while still revealing a lot of important information; you say a lot without forcing it in.
Doctor Frank slid his finger across the glass for a few seconds, then quickly scanned a screen. He swallowed, blinked and cleared his throat again. - I loved these lines, and that you just say this rather than showing us what he's reacting to. Really makes me curious about what this last job was...
Angie's character comes across pretty strongly, too. Even though she's telling a story in a fairly straightforward way, the little details about how she's acting help show more about her - I especially liked her deadpanned line where she's clearly avoiding the question. I also find it interesting that she avoids answering his question about the other man as long as possible, yet it seems like it was a pretty easy decision for her to make at the time, even though the man had shown her compassion.
While I really like the minimalist approach here, I do think you could add in *some* detail to flesh it out a little; maybe just some tidbits about what "Angie" and the doctor look like, or what the room they're in is like, etc. I think some details about Angie, especially, could help. I know from the summary that she's 15 years old, but it's not pointed out here. I think her youth is really vital to the story, and makes her attitude here a lot more shocking.
I expect a lot of questions will be answered over the next few chapters, but I think it would add to this to have at least a little more description. Otherwise, this is a great teaser, and I didn't notice any spelling or grammar issues. I'll be back for more as soon as you update. :)